


Back To Seattle

by MadAboutGrey



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 71,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAboutGrey/pseuds/MadAboutGrey
Summary: She hadn't been back to Seattle since she was 5-years old. Now she was back, ready to start her fellowship and try and put her old life behind her. TW: Domestic Violence.
Relationships: Finn Dandridge/Meredith Grey, Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	1. Fear

_Fear._ An unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm (noun). To be afraid of, someone or something, as likely to be dangerous, painful, or harmful (adjective). 

That's all she could think about right now. Her fear. That's why she sat on the corner of the bar she sat in, one eye on the door. If these were her college days, she'd have a line of empty shot glasses in front of her. But these weren't her college days, and she couldn't afford for her senses to be impaired. She couldn't get comfortable. She'd made that mistake before.

* * *

_She sat at the bar across the street from Mass Gen. It'd been a long 36-hour shift, problem after problem kept coming up all day. She downed a second shot of tequila, not even realising her phone had ran out of battery._

" _Where the hell have you been?" She heard him before she saw him and she was frozen to her seat as he grabbed her arm, standing close beside her._

" _I've been at work," she knew the best thing to do was stay calm and keep her voice quiet._

" _Get up," she got up from the seat and walked with him out to the dark parking lot, "I didn't realise you worked in a bar now, Meredith," his voice spat with venom as he kept his grip on her arm._

" _Finn, I've been up for 36 hours straight, it was a hard day, I just needed a drink, I was about to come home," she looked up at him with pleading eyes._

" _And you couldn't answer the phone? Call? Send a message?" He demanded from her._

" _My phone…" she blanked a moment as she pulled it out of her pocket. Crap. It was dead, "I didn't even realise the battery was low."_

" _It's just excuse after excuse with you, isn't it?"_

" _Finn, please…"_

_His hand moved with force, pushing her hard against the wall behind her, "Shut up, Meredith. You don't drink unless I'm there. You know how you get after drinking. You're mine. You work and you come home, and you ask me if you want to go anywhere else."_

_Her voice broke as she spoke as pain shot through her spine from the impact with the brick wall, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" her body betrayed her as she felt a tear fall down her cheek._

" _Don't cry, Meredith. Just get in the car, we're going home."_

_She didn't have her own car. He either drove her, or she took a taxi. She stayed quiet and climbed into the passenger seat of his car. He sat in the driver's seat beside her and turned to look at her, taking her hand in his, "Meredith, I only get mad because I care about you, you know that."_

_He used his free hand to press against her cheek, forcing her to look at him, "I know, Finn, I know," she spoke in a defeated voice._

* * *

Her eyes flitted to the door, her heart racing, as she heard the bell signifying someone entering the bar, subsequentially trying to calm herself down when it wasn't who she was scared it would be. Her fingers tightened around the cold glass containing the single vodka lemonade she was sipping at, feeling the wetness of the condensation against her fingers. A moment passed while she gripped the glass, and suddenly someone was sat in the seat beside her, causing her to jump slightly.

"Is this seat taken?" Her eyes looked up to the stranger's face at his words. His soft blue eyes watching her with a hint of concern, possibly noticing her jitteriness.

"Oh, erm, no," she smiled a little at him and her eyes looked back down at her drink, as though it was the most interesting thing in the room.

He watched the slim woman sat at the bar beside him, clutching on to the glass in front of her. He looked up to the bartender who was cleaning glasses in front of him, "Double scotch single malt, please, straight." The bartender nodded and set a glass in front of him, pouring the drink out. He took a sip of the drink before turning to the blonde-haired woman sat beside him, "So, what's your story?"

Meredith was snapped out of her thoughts once again as he spoke, and she looked up at him. She looked into his eyes again and could feel his gaze easing her nerves slightly as she spoke, "It's really not, it's nothing interesting, I guess I'm just a girl in a bar," she said with a shrug, taking another sip of her drink.

"Well then, I guess I'm just a guy in a bar," he said with a grin, taking a sip of his own drink and keeping his eyes on her. He could see there was something bothering her, but he wasn't about to push it, mainly because he didn't want to talk about his own reasons for being there.

She took a moment before continuing the conversation. Surely, if he knew where she was, he'd have come in by now? He probably hadn't even realised she'd gone yet. He was gone till late most days anyway, and that was all the way back in Boston. He hadn't realised when she'd walked into his office and seen him with _that woman._

For the third time in the past ten minutes, his voice pulled her back out of her thoughts, "What are you thinking so hard about?" He hadn't missed the distracted look in her eyes as she stared into the liquid of the glass in front of her. He intrigued her, and he couldn't quite put his finger on why.

She looked up and let out a small, hollow laugh. Almost a scoff. She downed the remainder of the drink in her glass, "I was thinking about tequila." _Screw it,_ she thought. _What's the worst that could happen?_

He laughed at her and turned to the bartender, "You heard the woman, tequila it is."

She laughed softly and took the shot of tequila, downing it in one before turning the glass upside down in front of her. "Another," she nodded toward the bartender who already had one lined up waiting for her.

"So, what brings you here?" The stranger asked her, watching as Meredith downed the second shot of tequila, more intrigued as he noted the lack of lime and salt used.

"I need to forget… move on and forget," she said with a soft sigh, her elbows rest on the side of the bar as she lowers her head into her hands. When she felt his hand rest on her shoulder, she looked up, surprised with herself that the touch didn't make her jump out of her skin.

"I completely understand that one," he said with a soft smile. He knew that feeling all too well. "Maybe we can help each other with that?"

Meredith paused a moment, only for a moment. Why should she keep a promise that he broke so easily? Why should she care so much? She took a deep breath before responding to his question, "Maybe we can," she said with a soft smile. That was when she really looked at the guy sat in the stool beside her. His blue eyes, his dark hair, which she couldn't decide between either being perfectly placed or naturally held that way.

She watched as he finished off the rest of his drink and handed a handful of bills over to the bartender, covering her drinks and his, plus a heavy tip. He held his hand out to her, which she took as she stepped off the stool she had been sat in for the past hour, attempting to steady herself a moment as she felt the effects of the tequila taking it's place. His hand moved to her waist as she almost fell into him. She could feel the electricity through the material of her dress that she'd worn that evening.

"We should go back to my hotel room," she said in one breath, her eyes looking up at his. He took the moment to lean forward and press a soft kiss to her lips.

She returned the kiss, moving her hand into his hair and gripping gently. He pulled her a little closer to him at the hip and murmured softly as he pulled back to study her, "I'll drive, I only had the one drink."

His hand slipped to hers, linking their fingers together, as they walked side-by-side out to the parking lot. As they reached his car, he moved her so that her back was pressed up against the side of the car and lowered his lips to hers again, his body pressing into her as he kissed her hard with growing passion. Her fingers weaved into his hair again, holding his face close to hers as she reciprocated the kiss with a hunger she hadn't felt in years.

A soft moan escaped her lips as she felt his hips press into hers and he groaned softly at the noise, his lips started moving down her neck as he murmured, "I need to get you home, or I'm going to end up taking you right here."

She felt her cheeks blush at his words, and she swallowed a little, speaking quietly, "My hotel isn't far from here, I'm at the Archfield," she bit her lip gently as she felt his lips travelling up her neck again. He reached beside her and opened the passenger door of the car, guiding her into the seat. He shut the door for her, and she fastened her seatbelt as he climbed in the driver's side and started the engine.

As he pulled the car out of the parking lot, she could still feel the buzz from the alcohol, and the tingling on her lips from kissing him. She bit her lip gently as she watched him driving and he glanced over at her. The way her teeth held her lip awakened the hunger inside him again and he slid his hand over her thigh, bunching up the skirt of her dress until his fingers touched against her soft skin there, slowly moving their way up her inner thigh. Meredith's breath hitched in her throat as his fingertips brushed over the lace of her panties. She rested her head back against the headrest of her seat and closed her eyes as she felt his touch, his hand gripping gently at her upper thigh when he pulled into the parking lot of the Archfield hotel.

As the car stopped, his hand moved away, and he got out the car. Before Meredith had a chance to open the door, he was already stood there with the car door open beside her. She grabbed her bag and climbed out the car, his arm sliding around her waist as he closed the door behind her. His lips lowered close to her ear and she felt his breath against her skin as he spoke, "I can't keep my hands off you," he pressed a soft kiss just underneath her ear lobe as she bit her lower lip again, "Especially when you do that."

She blushed again slightly, and he kept his arm around her as she led him inside to the elevator, his hand held at her hip. Once she had pressed the button for the floor of her room, the doors closed behind them and his lips pressed down against hers again and he pushed her up against the back wall of the elevator. They continued where they had left off outside the bar, his hand moving up to press against her breast with a gentle squeeze, eliciting a soft moan from Meredith against his lips. He lifted her up slightly and her legs wrapped around his waist, and he held her against him as the elevator doors opened. Thankfully, no one was stood around the hallway and her lips moved to his ear momentarily to whisper softly, "Room 242."

Her lips kissed down his neck as he carried her to the door of room 242 as directed. He pressed her back against the door and lowered her to her feet, where she went into her bag to pull out the key card for the room. When she turned to unlock the door, he pressed up against her back and his arms wrapped around her again as the door opened, pushing them both inside and he closed the door behind him with his foot before he moved them both toward the bed. She turned to face him, kicking off her heels and throwing her bag on to the side table as his fingers worked to lower the zip on the back of her dress. She shrugged the straps of the dress off her shoulders, her fingers working to unfasten the buttons of his shirt as her dress fell around her ankles, neither properly able to see the other with the lights having been kept turned off. This was a good thing for Meredith. She wanted to get lost in him without the questions. Her nails dragged over his skin as she pushed his shirt down his arms, and he let it fall to the ground with her dress as he kicked off his own shoes.

Meredith sat on the bed behind her, leaning back as he leaned forward into her, one knee on the bed as his lips pressed hard against hers, gently nipping at her lower lip intermittently. He let his fingertips dance down the side of her body, not quite noticing the slight tense of her stomach as he brushed over a developed bruise on her skin, dancing with light touches down her skin. Her hands moved to unfasten his pants and he used his spare hand to push them down his legs, dropping them to the floor beside the bed. His lips moved to kiss down her neck, stopping to gently suck at the crook of her neck where it met her shoulder blade and her moan rang louder in the darkness of the room. Her hands tangled into his hair as his lips travelled down her body, dancing almost in synchronisation with his fingers as he paid blind attention to each area of her body. Her body responded of its own volition, the sparks of their skin coming into contact rushing through her as her body relaxed for the first time in years.

When he couldn't wait any longer, his arm moved under her waist, lifting her further up the bed as he moved above her. As his eyes moved to look into hers, he noticed the slight pout on her lips at the loss of the touch of his lips on her. "I'm not finished with you yet," he murmured as he pressed his lips to hers a moment where she could taste herself on him, and his hips pressed down against hers, causing her to moan again. Her legs wrapped around him and pulled him down against her, desperate to have their bodies close together. His lips pulled back from hers as he watched her facial expressions as best as he could in the dim light as they moved together in throes of passion.

All her worries, her fear, forgotten, almost numbed into non-existence, through the night they were spending together. She focused only on the feelings that rushed through her body while she was with him, the electricity that sparked between them. Eventually, Meredith's head lay back against the pillow and her eyes closed, feeling the wave of fatigue spread through her body.

Noticing the change in her breathing as her body relaxed, Derek reached for the sheets and pulled them up over them both, staying close beside Meredith and sliding his arm around her stomach with a gentle grip, pulling her against him. As she felt herself beginning to doze off, she felt his lips press softly against the side of her head, and she couldn't mistake the feeling of being safe there in his arms. A feeling she hadn't felt in so long.

* * *

His eyes opened slowly as he took in the sight in front of him. The girl he'd met the night before had rolled over onto her stomach and the sheets had fallen to her waist, the sunlight coming through the gap in the curtains casting a strip of light across her back. He could hear the sound of an alarm coming from across the room, most likely from her phone still in her bag across the room. His eyes moved to the skin of her back and his fingers lightly traced the outline of her body, stopping over a purpling bruise that reached from just beside her stomach and round her back, over where her kidneys would be. As his fingers traced through the middle of the bruise, he felt her body tense and her breathing hitched in her throat.

Feeling his fingertips trace over her back, she felt her heart racing in her chest, almost silencing the noise from her phone across the room. She reached to the chair beside the bed and grabbed her robe, pulling it over her and fastening it as she stood off the bed, as to assure that he wouldn't see any more. Wordlessly, she took her phone out the bag, feeling his eyes on her as she silenced the phone call that was coming through. Noticing the time on her phone screen, she turned to look at the guy who lay in her hotel bed, their eyes meeting a moment before she looked away again and spoke, "I have to get ready, I need to go and take shower, and when I get back, you won't be here," she looked up at him again as he began to climb out of the bed, pulling on his boxers, "Yeah, so I'll see you, uhm…"

"Derek," he offered up to her, "My name is Derek."

"Right, Derek, like I said," she nodded and moved into the bathroom, quick to close the door behind her. She turned on the water for the shower, and stood beside the closed door as she listened to him moving around the room, waiting for the moment she heard the door to the room closing behind him to confirm he'd left before she removed the robe and stepped into the shower to get herself ready for the day. As much as she enjoyed last night and the feelings she may have felt in his arms as they fell asleep together, she couldn't do this. She came here to work. She came here to get away, make a fresh start. A guy was definitely not what she came here for.

* * *

Thankfully, she made it into the hospital on time and made a beeline for Richard Webber's office. She hadn't been back to the place since she was five years olds, and now at 35, she could still find her way around the place, like muscle memory. As she approached, she noticed the door to his office had been left open and she stepped inside slightly, knocking on the door as she did so. He looked up at her with a grin from where he sat at the desk, "Meredith Grey!"

She returned his grin, prepared with her façade that she had perfected over the years. Look happy, and no one questions you. "Hey, Dr Webber," she replied as she stepped further into the office, closing the door behind her as he motioned her to do so.

"I know I said this yesterday, but it's just so surreal seeing you all grown up!" He exclaimed with a chuckle as he stood up from the desk. He moved round to the front of the desk, leaning back against it as he clasped his hands together in front of him, "Ready to get stuck in with your surgical innovation fellowship?"

"I'm more than ready, Dr Webber," she said with a laugh, only he had no idea to the actual extent to which she was ready and thankful to be there.

"So, as we discussed, your time will be split between time in the OR and time dedicated to your research," she nodded as she listened, and he led her out of his office, "We just need to go down to HR and get things signed, pick up your pass, all the boring admin stuff, and we can have a quick tour around, things have changed and been added since you were last here."

She walked beside him as he continued to make conversation with her. As they reached the HR office, he left her to fill out and sign paperwork as he spoke with another member of the staff regarding a separate matter. Meredith made small talk as she was passed her pager and pass, and she handed the paperwork back.

Richard turned his attention back to her and they made their way back towards the surgical area of the hospital as he explained the more recent updates to the hospital's ORs and research facilities. As they walked, she attached the pager to the waistband of her jeans and clipped her pass to the pocket of the white lab coat she'd also been given upon leaving the previous room that was embroidered with her name.

She could feel eyes on her as they walked through the main doors on to the operating floor. The looks wouldn't bother her so much if she weren't so painfully aware of how much she looked like her mother who had worked there up until a few months ago. That's another thing she had to go and sort out later today. Her mother.

Richard took her up to the gallery hallway. All the operating rooms were in use which, according to Richard, wasn't all that rare an occurrence. Hence, stepping into each gallery for the quick tour would have to suffice for now until she could use her own time later in the day to become more familiar with the placements of each OR on the floor below.

She watched with great intrigue as they looked in on each surgery being performed. A peds case in the first, cardio-thoracic in the second, and then they came into the third room, where the gallery overlooked a neurosurgical case taking place, a few residents sat in the seats following the surgery being performed. The speciality she almost turned to before choosing general. She looked down below as Richard spoke his praises of Dr Shepherd, who was operating below. The best neurosurgeon the west coast had seen, and he'd managed to get him to work at Seattle Grace Mercy West around a month ago, which had greatly improved the various different ratings of the hospital in that short time. As he spoke, Meredith looked a little closer at the head surgeon and as he turned to speak to the resident beside him, she caught a look at his side profile, recognising him almost immediately.

She turned her face away, looking back at Richard so that if the man below looked up, he shouldn't be able to recognise her. After what felt like too long, probably made worse by the fact she wanted nothing but to leave the room as fast as she could, Richard led her out of the room and they continued with the tour, and Meredith tried as hard as she could to relinquish all thoughts she may have had pertaining to a certain neurosurgeon.

* * *

He'd heard people talking about her all day. He'd even been asked his thought directly by Dr Torres. Of course, he had none on the matter. Ellis Grey's daughter was supposedly starting at the hospital that morning, and he feels like he's heard people talking about her for the past week since it had been announced she'd be coming to work with them. All morning, he'd been unable to get the image of her face out of his mind. The girl he'd slept with, last night, in her hotel room. He had so many questions, all of them left unanswered. He didn't even get her name.

Scrubbing out of his first surgery of the day, he still couldn't keep the thoughts of her out of his head. He walked out of the scrub room and made his way down to post-op to check on his patient who had just been taken there. Dr Robbins caught up with him as he stepped on to the elevator, grabbing his attention as she spoke, "Have you seen her? She looks exactly like her mother. I wonder if she acts like her as well," Arizona scoffed a little as Derek looked to her with a questioning gaze.

"Why is this all anyone can talk about? Is there actually nothing more interesting going on?" He said with a laugh, stepping off the elevator with her onto the post-op ward.

Arizona shrugged with a laugh herself, "I guess nothing interesting has happened around here in a while."

He shook his head as they parted ways to see to each of their patients. He entered the room where his resident was taking vitals, the patient having not woken up yet. He checked over the patient himself before leaving the resident with strict post-op instructions. He checked the time on his watch as he left the room, thinking it was about time he grabbed something to eat.

He went into the cafeteria and grabbed his usual lunch, boxed salad and fruit mix, taking them over to the register and ordering himself a large coffee. He definitely needed it after the night he'd had. As he stood waiting for his drink, his eyes scanned the room as he usually did, people watching. That's when he saw her, stood across the room next to Richard. He grabbed his drink as it was passed to him, and picked up the paper bag containing his food, but when he turned around to approach them, she'd gone, and Richard was speaking with Dr Bailey. Maybe he'd imagined her there? He shook his head a little and sighed as he made his way back out the communal room, in the direction of his office.

* * *

She excused herself from the conversation with Dr Bailey and Richard, feigning the need for use of the toilet, leaving the room as quick as she could before he could see her. She'd spotted him as soon as he entered the room. She was vigilant like that. Aware of everyone and everything around her. She had to be. She entered the crowded elevator and stood to the back, keeping her head down. As the doors were about to close, someone stood near the front held the door and she watched as he stood in the front of the elevator, not seemingly noticing her.

Someone else did notice her though, she turned her head to the voice that spoke beside her, "Dr Grey, how's your first day going?"

His head turned to look as he heard her voice speaking, "It's been… interesting." He watched as she made polite conversation with Dr Robbins. He couldn't keep her eyes off her, her face framed with the loose waves of her hair. The elevator stopped on the next floor and a few people exited the elevator and he saw her head look up as the doors opened, a look of anxiety flash across her expression for just a second. You wouldn't have seen it if you weren't watching her.

Her eyes fixed on him as she noticed him watching her, widening slightly and looked to the doors of the elevator again that were closing.

"Derek! Meet Dr Grey, remember I was telling you about her this morning?" Dr Robbins grabbed his attention, completely missing the look shared between Meredith and Derek, "Dr Grey, this is Dr Shepherd."

Derek rolled his eyes at Arizona and stepped to stand beside her, watching as Meredith nodded her head slightly and held her hand out in greeting, "I've heard great things, from Chief Webber no less," she mentioned.

He took her hand in his, returning the greeting, "As have I about you, Dr Grey," his eyes shifted to the embroidered name on her white coat, Dr Meredith Grey. He was still in slight disbelief, holding her hand a moment longer than necessary, but she pulled her hand back from his first. Arizona was talking again but he didn't hear what she was saying.

His eyes tore from his observation of her to the doors of the elevator as they opened, "This is where I get off," he said to the two doctors, "See you around," he gave them both a smile before stepping off the elevator, walking in the direction of his office with the bag containing his lunch hanging off the wrist of the hand that held his coffee.

Her attempts at avoiding Derek had the complete opposite affect desired. She bid farewell to Dr Robbins and made her way back up to the cafeteria via the stairwell, knowing that Dr Webber and Dr Bailey were still waiting for her. After a brief further conversation with them, the rest of her day was spent getting situated in her shared office space with other fellows, greeting the various doctors she saw around the hospital, and getting herself familiar with the research facilities. She wasn't on the board to operate until tomorrow, allowing her the day to get settled in. Part of her needed the time in the OR, though. It helped her with the compartmentalisation that she had done a lot of today. In the OR she could block anything out from her mind when she concentrated everything she had on the patient in front of her. She found herself being forced to not think about Derek Shepherd.

As she sat at the chair in her office, getting herself familiar with the hospital systems, which really were quite similar to the systems used at Mass Gen, her phone rang from her bag beside her feet. Normally, that wouldn't be cause for panic, but the phone that was ringing was her old phone. When she'd moved back to Seattle, she'd got a new phone, with a new number. She wasn't sure why she kept the old one. She was supposed to throw it out, leave it behind. She reached into the bag, and the person calling her was exactly the person she expected to be calling. Finn. She felt a heavy weight in her stomach as she stared at the phone screen. After a moment, the phone stopped ringing and it went back to the regular home-screen showing her, she had 10 missed calls, 3 voicemails and 5 text messages all from that same person.

_Where are you?_

_If you know what's good for you, you'll answer the damn phone._

_This isn't funny, Meredith. You've been gone for over 24h and you know you should always be contactable and no surgery lasts 24 hours._

_I phoned the hospital. They said you didn't work there anymore. What's going on, Meredith?_

_Meredith, please, baby, call me. Let me know where you are. I'm worried._

She stuffed the phone back in her bag, her mouth dry as her heart continued to race in her chest. She couldn't do this here. She couldn't fall apart here. She looked to the clock, it was finally five pm and she could head back to her hotel room and hide away again. She gathered her things, putting away things she didn't need till the morning and putting the few things in her bag she was taking home with her. She switched the battery in her pager to ensure it lasted till the morning. She hung up her white coat and pulled her outside coat on and grabbed her bag, the strap over her shoulder held in place with her hand as she walked out of the office and in the direction of the car park.

As she approached her car, unlocking it, she heard her name being called from behind her. She wasn't ashamed to say she pretended not to hear it. Well maybe she was, a little. He just moved closer and said her name again though, slightly persistent. She couldn't ignore him now. She turned, pushing her hair behind her ear with a small smile as she spoke, "Dr Shepherd?"

He looked a little startled at her formality, "Oh, Dr Grey, I was wondering, do you want to go for a drink?"

She had two choices. She could let him down gently, or she could push him away, hard. She decided against the latter. She was trying really hard to not act like her mother, anyhow. "I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere. And had I known, beforehand, that we would be working together… I make it a rule not to date co-workers," she offered him a small smile with her explanation as she opened the trunk of her car to put her bag in. He didn't need to know the technicalities of the situation. She closed the trunk and walked back round to the driver side of the car.

"Okay, I guess I'll see you around then?" He watched her closely, not totally believing her whole story but having no reason to say otherwise.

Meredith nodded in response, climbing into the car, "Goodnight, Dr Shepherd." The formality was part of the whole compartmentalisation of the whole situation that is her life.

He watched her car as she drove out the parking lot, before he returned to his own car to head home to his trailer for the night. He would settle for friends if she didn't date co-workers, but something told him even that would a difficult feat, she definitely had walls built up high around her.

* * *

She sat on the bed in her empty hotel room, pulling her laptop out of her bag and connecting to the hotel internet. She'd had five more missed calls from Finn since she'd checked that phone earlier and she knew the longer she left it, the worse it was going to be. She needed to come up with something that would keep him out of Seattle for now, though.

She'd just been to see her mother at the nursing home, and that had worsened her mood even further. She wasn't sure if she preferred her mother's before or after the Alzheimer's had been diagnosed and now she was working at the hospital that new her mother's legacy, work style and ethic, and she was pretty sure they were all about to hold her up to that standard.

She'd managed to keep her relationship with Finn as far from her mother as possible. She'd briefly shown up to the wedding, probably just for appearances. But since Finn had… well she stopped visiting and made up excuses or left town when her mother came to visit. For all her faults, Ellis Grey was very observant, and she'd never get anything past her.

She pulled up the emails on her computer, finding she had messages from Finn on there as well. She rolled her eyes. This needed to be dealt with before he showed up at the hospital. That's the last thing that she needed.

She picked up the phone off the side table, pulling up Finn's contact information. She hesitated a moment, taking a breath before dialling his number, putting the phone to her ear. She listened as it rang three times before he answered. She cringed slightly as she heard his voice on the other end.

" _Meredith! Where are you? Where did you go?"_

" _Hey, Finn, sorry, I had to fly to Seattle, yesterday morning and I couldn't get hold of you, and then the flight and I got caught up with things,"_ Not a total lie, she did have to fly out that morning, the next part though? Definitely a lie, _"The home called for my mother, she's had to go into hospital for a while,"_ back to not lying again, _"they also need me to be here to sign over power of attorney, deal with her property, that sort of thing.."_ her voice trailed of as she waited for his response.

" _Okay, but what about the hospital? They said you don't work there anymore?"_

" _Yeah, I start my fellowship, remember? At Brigham, they've pushed the start date for me, so I can deal with Ellis."_

" _I wish you'd tell me these things, Meredith, I thought you'd tried to_ leave _me."_

" _Oh, no, no, nothing like that…"_ As she spoke, her heart raced. That's exactly what she was trying to do, the lawyers were just taking a little longer than expected.

" _Can you get home this weekend? You know I have that work event, and everyone expects you to be there, what will they think if you don't show? You wouldn't embarrass me like that would you?"_

" _I'll let you know, I'm not sure if…"_

" _Try harder, Meredith."_

She could tell by the tone of his voice there was only one answer he'd expect from her right now, _"I'll be there, I'll make it work. I'll be there for the evening."_

" _Good. Keep your phone on and answer next time I call."_

" _Okay, I need to go, accounts to sort out. I'll speak to you in the morning?"_

" _We'll speak when I call, Meredith."_

With that he ended the call. She dropped the phone down on the bed and let out a long breath. She'd need to talk to Richard tomorrow. She'd go back for that one evening, and it would keep him at bay. The lawyers had got back to her after she'd left her lunch with Richard yesterday afternoon, it would be at least two weeks until they could go ahead.

She closed the laptop and slid it back in her bag, placing both her new and old phone on charge before she stripped her clothes and climbed into the bed, ready to get to sleep. Today was a lot harder than she thought it was going to be.


	2. Brave

_Brave_. Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage (adjective). Endure or face unpleasant conditions or behaviour without showing fear (verb). Was she brave, though?

* * *

No-one really knew quite what to think of Dr Meredith Grey. She wasn't quiet, but she was definitely closed off. She could hold the attention of residents and had their respect while she operated, but pretty much cut herself off from everyone when she buried herself into her research. You wouldn't find her eating in the cafeteria, but maybe the odd appearance at the coffee cart out the front of the hospital. She was an expert in small talk that didn't reveal too much about herself and excusing herself from conversations when people started asking too many personal questions. All anyone knew about her was that she was the daughter of Dr Ellis Grey and she barely left the hospital.

* * *

The next few days, Meredith managed to keep to herself best she could. Conversations with colleagues were kept about work only, and she refused to give away any specific personal details when anyone was asked. She'd spoken to Richard about the evening she needed to be in Boston, explaining she had some loose ends to tie up. She'd leave early Friday morning and be back Sunday afternoon, heading straight to the hospital to be on call Sunday night in exchange for the time away.

Her first surgery performed on her second day was the release she'd been waiting for since her last surgery at Mass Gen the week before. She was able to focus and block everything else out. She could feel her anxiety building up over the upcoming event Finn was dragging her to on Saturday, but every time she stepped into the OR, she didn't have to think about that. It's probably the only reason she was sane right now.

It had been years since she'd spend more than one night away from Finn, and she'd found this new sense of freedom. Other than the single phone call they shared a day, she felt a sense of relief not having him force her into a small box and behave exactly as she wanted him to. She could be her own person in Seattle. She could control what people knew about her and she could have her own personality – not that she'd let on to having one just yet.

She knew she would never truly be free until she was legally free from him. Until he lost all control of her. She'd debated discussing the situation with Richard, but she knew better than to risk anything going wrong. Through Ellis, Richard knew that Meredith was married and would ask about Finn, what he was doing, when he would be moving to Seattle. She'd made up answers when he asked. Finn was doing fine. He'd be moving at the end of the month to join her in Seattle – he was definitely not doing that though. Not if she could stop him.

It was early Friday morning and she had a few things to sort in the hospital before she could go and catch her flight to Boston. She rounded on the few patients she had and went to her office to grab her bag and coat. She stepped on to the empty elevator, pressing the floor for the lobby. As the door closed, a hand stopped the doors and she stepped back a little, her eyes looking to the floor as she realised who it was joining her there.

"Dr Grey," he said with a smile and a nod as he stood beside her.

She responded with a quiet voice and a nod back, "Dr Shepherd."

"Looking forward to the weekend?" He asked, keeping his eyes on her as he spoke.

She gave him a small smile, "I'm just on my way to head erm, home, actually, for the weekend."

"Oh, where's home?" He questioned.

"Boston," she said with a small smile as the elevator stopped, the doors opening, "I'll be back Sunday," she gave him a small wave as she stepped off the elevator. She felt slightly panicked. That was way more information than she should have given out, something about him just, she couldn't explain it.

He followed her out of the elevator into the hospital foyer, "Dr Grey, can we talk a moment?"

She turned to look at him with a questioning gaze, "Is it a patient? I just, I have to get to the airport, I have a flight…" In all honesty, she wanted an excuse to not get on that plane.

He moved a little closer to her, "Let me give a you a ride, I'm done here until later on this afternoon."

She stood there a moment, deliberating a moment, "Are you sure? I don't want you to go out of your way," unconsciously, she bit her lower lip, her eyes lowering to the floor. He reached forward, intending on taking hold of her hand, forgetting where they were at the moment. She pulled her hand back and looked up at him, "I can't, not here."

He nodded in understanding, "I don't mind, really, I have nothing better to be doing," he said with a small laugh, in an attempt to lighten the mood, "Do you have everything with you or do you need to get things first?"

"Okay, and yeah, I have everything I need," she said with a small smile. She only intended to take her carry-on bag and would be bringing a final suitcase of her things back with her. Not enough to tip Finn off, but enough to keep her going for another week or so until she could get a more permanent place to live.

She had no idea what she was doing but she walked with him to his car anyway. He opened the passenger door for her and waited for her to climb in before closing the door again. He climbed in the driver's side, fastening his belt before starting the engine. As he pulled out of the parking lot, he started to make small talk with her, "How's your first week been?"

"It's been good," she said with a small smile, "Everyone's uhm, welcoming."

He laughed a little, "Yeah, I thought the same thing when I started a month ago. Welcoming, slightly intrusive."

This earned him a small laugh from her, and they sat in comfortable silence as he drove. After around fifteen minutes, she placed her hand on his leg and spoke in a quiet voice, "Can you pull over?"

He pulled the car over, putting the handbrake on before looking over at Meredith, her eyes were closed as she was trying to control her breathing with her hand still on his thigh. He took her hand in his and squeezed gently, "Are you okay?"

"I need air," at this, Derek nodded and unlocked the doors of the car as Meredith took off her seatbelt, leaving the car to stand on the grass verge. She started pacing back and forth, the all familiar feeling of a panic attack looming over her.

"Meredith, talk to me," he went to stand in front of her, reaching out to hold her but stopped when he saw her flinch. She stopped walking and stood in front of him.

"I can't, I just, I don't want to get on the plane," she spoke quickly, her eyes looking to the ground as if it were the most interesting thing.

He watched her carefully as he spoke, "You don't want to fly, or you don't want to go?"

She shook her head and looked back up at him, speaking quietly, "I don't want to go."

He stepped forward slightly, cautiously offering one hand out to her. She hesitated a moment before taking it, their eyes locked on each other. She let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding and stepped closer to him, letting her forehead fall against his shoulder. He spoke quietly, "Whatever it is, I'm not going to make you talk about it, I get the feeling that isn't going to happen. But if you did? I'm here to listen, and I won't judge."

She looked up at him again and shook her head, "You're being nicer to me than I deserve."

He gave her that grin, the one that just instantly made her feel better as he responded, "I'm being a friend. I want to be your friend, Meredith."

She gave him a small smile back, "Okay, I can't tell you. Not yet, okay?"

He nodded and his armed moved around her, holding her close to him in a hug, "That's okay. Let me put my number in your phone, you can call, or message if you need to."

She let him hold her for a moment, before pulling back, "I'll put mine in yours while you drive, or I'm going to miss my flight," she said with a small, humourless laugh, "you can message me later so that I have yours."

She went back to the car, climbing into the passenger seat as he secured himself back into the driver's side. Before pulling back into traffic, he handed her his phone, unlocked. She took it and typed her number in as a new contact before placing it in the centre console of his car.

Eventually, he pulled up at the drop off-zone at Sea-Tac. She turned to him as she picked her bag up from the foot-well and gave him a small smile, "Thanks, for everything."

"It's okay, really," he returned her smile, "I'm free Sunday, so I can pick you up if needed, let me know."

She gave him a nod and leaned forward to press a soft kiss to his cheek, catching him off guard a moment, she pulled back, putting her bag on her shoulder, "I'll see you on Sunday."

"Call me if you need anything," he said as she climbed out the car. She watched after shutting the door as he gave her a small wave before driving off.

She turned and headed straight for the terminal. She went through security and was waiting for her flight to be called to board when the phone buzzed in her pocket with a message from him. _When does your flight land?_ She sent him a message back, just before her flight was called to board. _Something came up with Mom, taking first flight out in the morning._ She'd come up with a better excuse later, now she was putting her phone on airplane mode to get on the flight to Boston where she'd get a hotel room for the night. She couldn't bring herself to face him tonight. She needed more time.

* * *

The plane landed in Boston late afternoon, east coast time, and Meredith found herself unable to control the slight shake of her hands as she walked through the airport to grab a cab to the nearby hotel she'd booked whilst on the plane.

She paid and thanked the taxi driver before climbing out with her bag on her shoulder and heading to check in. She heard the vibration of her phone in her bag as she checked in and took it out of her bag, seeing Finn's name come up on the screen. She reluctantly answered.

" _I've been trying to call you for six hours Meredith, where have you been?"_

" _I'm sorry, I fell asleep,"_ Not a total lie, right?

" _Why can't you come back tonight?"_

" _I had a meeting, with Mom's lawyer, and I couldn't get a flight till the morning,"_ Still lying.

" _Well, what time will you be here tomorrow?"_ He was starting to sound impatient. Like he had somewhere else to be.

" _I'll double check the flight and let you know,"_ she silently thanked the hotel receptionist as she was handed a room key and made her way to the elevator.

" _Right, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then."_

She stepped into the elevator as the call dropped, and if he didn't normally end calls without a goodbye, or anything of the sort, she'd think the signal had cut off. She put the phone back in her bag and pulled out her newer phone. She couldn't wait to just have one phone again. She had a message from Derek waiting for her.

_Just got out of surgery, how was the flight? – Derek._

She couldn't help but smile at the message and added his number into her contacts before responding to his message as she waited for the elevator to reach her floor. _Just got to my hotel, how was your surgery?_

She kept the phone in her hand as she found her room and unlocked the door, turning the light on as she stepped inside. Releasing a soft breath, she shut the door behind her and moved to go sit on the bed, dropping her bag at her feet. The phone buzzed in her hand. _Surgery was a success, got the whole tumour._

She grinned, part of her wanted to hear his voice, a very small part of her. She lay back on the bed, holding her phone above her. She was feeling far too much than she should be. She was _married._ She should probably tell him that. Hopefully, she wouldn't be married much longer.

She moved to lay on her side as she keyed a reply to him. _Good, I need to get some sleep, 3 hours ahead and all that. Goodnight, Derek._

It took two minutes for him to reply. _Goodnight, Meredith._

She groaned softly in frustration as she sat up again, reaching into her bag for her other phone and both chargers, putting her phones on charge. Looking at her old phone, she remembered she needed to send Finn a message with the time she'd be there tomorrow. She pulled up flights on her phone, seeing there was one at 5am Seattle time, which would be 8am Boston time… so she'd supposedly land at around 2pm? She sighed. She quickly typed out the message, waiting for his reply before she could go to sleep.

Realising she didn't have a change of clothes with her, she took off the clothes she was wearing, put them neat on the chair in the room and put on a hotel-given robe. She could shower in the morning. Now, she just needed sleep. She checked the phone again to see if she had a reply from Finn. No response, but he'd read the message. That would have to do.

Before climbing into the bed, she set an alarm for around the time she'd have boarded her supposed flight, so she could message and let him know. She just hoped he didn't want to pick her up from the airport. That would pose a whole new problem for her.

* * *

She groaned as she heard the sound of the alarm waking her up. She reached over and grabbed the offending phone, her Boston phone, turning off the alarm and typing out a message to Finn. He still hadn't replied to her previous message. _Boarding plane now, will let you know when I land._ She reset her alarm to make sure she was at least up by midday, just in case, and went back to sleep.

* * *

She woke again with a start to the sound of her alarm going off and reached over to turn it off. She needed a shower, she still felt disgusting from the plane ride over. She got up and dragged herself into the bathroom, turning on the hot water of the shower before sitting on the edge of the bath and looking around the room and not seeing a towel. She went back into the main room, opening the closet to grab a clean towel. As she did, she noticed her Boston phone had lit up. She crossed the room with her towel in hand to check it.

_See you at home._

At least he wasn't picking her up from the airport. She went back into the bathroom, setting the towel down and taking off the robe before stepped into the shower. For about five minutes, she just let the water fall over her, the fear finally starting to set in. In two hours, she'd be back at their apartment, be forced to see him again. She shook herself out of it and got on with it. The sooner she dealt with it, the sooner she could be back in Seattle.

An hour later, she was down in the lobby checking herself out and paying for the room. As she took her purse out, she almost made the mistake of paying with the joint account she held with Finn. That would definitely be a bad idea. She'd managed to open an account using the address for her mother's old house for her wages and the money she'd been saving up for the past year. She quickly paid for the room and headed out to the street. She checked the time on her watch. It was just turning 1pm, so she had an hour until he expected her to have at least landed.

She spotted a coffee shop across the street and headed over there, grabbing herself a large coffee and sitting at a table in the back corner. She took out her Seattle phone, taking this time to send a quick message to Derek. She could be friends. She could do friends. _Figured I should check in with you, as your friend._

She took a sip of her coffee, her phone sat on the table in front of her. She couldn't help the smile that spread across her lips as the phone lit up with his response. _How's the trip home going?_

_I'm not technically home yet. Stayed in a hotel. Will explain another time. I have to go now, might not message till tomorrow. I might take you up on that offer, will confirm my landing tomorrow,_ she sent back to him. She took that moment to make a note in her Boston phone of his number, putting it under the name Dr Shepherd. Part of her didn't want to acknowledge why she'd done that, and the other part knew full well she might need him.

_Sounds intriguing. Enjoy the rest of your day, I await your message._

She laughed softly and turned off the phone. She couldn't risk her Seattle phone going off when she was around Finn. She finished off her drink and sent Finn a message to let him know she'd 'landed' and ordered herself a cab. Before she got up to leave, she went into her bag, wrapping up her work pass and the now powered off phone in a scarf she had in there, he couldn't find those. She left a tip for the barista before heading out into the street and getting into the cab that had pulled up for her.

On the way to the apartment, she struggled to control the shaking of her hands. It was all too real now. As the cab pulled up, she noticed his car wasn't parked up in its normal spot, so she sent a quick message to let him knows she was back at the apartment, although he hadn't responded to the one to let him know she'd 'landed.'

She let herself in, thankful to find he definitely wasn't there yet. She first went into the bedroom, grabbing a suitcase from the closet to start packing up a few more outfits, as well as grabbing a few files she needed from the home office, important documents she couldn't risk leaving behind. Once she had the things she'd need, she put the suitcase under the bed and stripped off her clothes, thankful to be rid of them and stood in front of the mirror. Her fingertips traced the yellowing bruise on her lower back, the one Derek had seen and thankfully, not yet questioned.

She stood there for a moment, looking at the discolouration on her skin, noticing a bruise or two on her legs she hadn't quite noticed until now. A sigh escaped her lips and she grabbed the fresh underwear, leggings and top she'd left out on the bed, changing into them and throwing her discarded clothes into the hamper.

Her body froze at the sound of the door slamming shut and she heard him call out her name. Her gaze looked over to the bedroom door, listening as she heard him moving though the apartment. Her sight caught on her bag that lay on the floor beside the closet, one look in that bag and he'd find her pass to SGMW Hospital, her laptop, her new phone. She moved over to the bag and picked it up, sliding it under the bed beside the suitcase. If he couldn't see it, he wouldn't ask about it, he wouldn't look inside it. She sat down on the bed a second before he opened the door, and her eyes met his, studying him carefully to gauge his mood. He seemed calm, oddly calm.

"Meredith," she felt her body tense slightly as her name escaped his lips again. He moved to sit next to her on the bed, taking her hands into his own with a little more grip than necessary.

"Finn," she said with a small smile.

"I missed you," he said, one hand reaching to cup her cheek as he brought his lips to hers with a soft kiss.

Her breath caught slightly, and she spoke quietly as he pulled his lips back, "I missed you too." More lies. Maybe she shouldn't lie so much.

His eyes watched her closely, "And your mother?"

"She's okay, they're planning to discharge her back to the home on Monday," she almost forgot she'd told him she was in the hospital, "and there's still a few things I have to sort."

They sat in silence a moment before she went to stand up from where she sat, but his hand holding hers pulled her to sit back down, "I'm not finished, we're not finished, Meredith," his hand moved to hold her forearm, "You've been gone for a whole week, I should get more than a kiss."

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired, time difference and all," she smiled weakly, lowering her gaze to her lap.

"Did you sleep on the plane?" he stood up off the bed, releasing his hold on her as she stayed where she was sat.

She kept her eyes on him as he walked over to the closet, pulling out his suit for that evening, "Yeah, I got a few hours."

"Just make sure you don't look tired for tonight, you need to be ready to leave at 6pm," he turned to look at her, putting the suit on the bed.

She nodded, "I'll be ready," she said with a weak smile. She stood up from where she was sat, intending to go into the kitchen, but he moved in front of her, moving his arms around her and pulling her close.

He lowered his lips to her ear, "I haven't seen you in almost a week, Meredith." She felt stiff in his hold, forcing her arms to move around him. He couldn't know anything was off. "Did you think I'd just let you leave like that and we'd be perfectly fine when you came back?"

Fear ran through her. She just about managed to speak, "My mother…"

He let go off her and walked across the room, the anger in his motions and his facial expression evidently clear. "I don't care, Meredith! I deserve more than an after thought 24 hours after you fly across the country! Are you that stupid?!"

She backed up against the bed at his words and sat back down, her hands clutching onto the sheets as she tried to stay calm. She couldn't show weakness, "I know, I'm sorry, I tried…" she stumbled over her words, but he cut her off.

"You didn't try shit, Meredith! If I wasn't answering my phone, you could've left a message. You could've come into the office and told me!" His voice rose as the anger built up.

She wasn't going to bring this up. She really wasn't. But she had to start defending herself, "I did! I went to the damn office, and you were screwing that bitch!"

His face dropped at her words. He didn't even think that she'd suspected anything. "Meredith…" He moved over to her and she flinched away a little. Crap. His mood changed instantly, "What did you expect? You don't let me touch you. I had to get it from somewhere," his hands grabbed at her upper arms and he pulled her up so that she was stood in front of him.

"Finn, please," her voice shook as she spoke, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

His forehead pressed against hers, "Meredith, I love you, you know that I love you," his lips pressed to hers in a kiss.

Her heart raced, kissing him back if only to try and calm his anger. She gave into him as his hands moved to her waist, pulling her against him. His lips pulled back, their foreheads pressed together again as she spoke in a quiet voice, "I love you too."

He smiled and pressed another kiss to her lips a second before he spoke, "We can work this out, okay? We'll work this out, baby."

She nodded and buried her face against his neck as his arms moved around her waist. They stood there for a moment like that, before she spoke quietly, "I need to get ready."

He nodded and separated himself from her, "Your dress arrived this morning, it's in the closet, my treat."

It was always 'his treat.' She forced a smile, "Thank you," she walked over to the closet, taking out the dress bag and laying it on the bed as he came up behind her. He gently loosened her hair from the ponytail she'd put it in and ran his fingers through it.

"You should wear your hair down, Meredith," he lowered her lips to his neck with a gentle kiss, "We'll have fun tonight, I promise, okay? I'm going to grab a shower."

She stood frozen to the spot a moment, listening for him to turn on the shower. She moved quick. She grabbed the suitcase from under the bed, taking it to the closet by the front door of the apartment, putting her work bag beside it. She'd need to get to it easily. She grabbed her Boston phone off the side table in the bedroom and double checked her flight schedule. She'd booked a flight to take her back to Seattle as early as she could, thankfully there was one leaving just after midnight.

She couldn't stay the night with him, she really couldn't. He usually got heavily intoxicated at his work events, and she knew even when she was booking her flight she'd be getting on a plane to Seattle at the end of the night. She wanted to message Derek. Her flight would land at 3am Seattle time and she really did want him to be able to pick her up, but she couldn't risk it. Not yet. It'd be around 10pm in Seattle when her flight left Boston, hopefully he'd still be around. Hopefully, he wouldn't be stuck in surgery. She had to stop thinking about Derek so much. She could just get a cab to her hotel. She didn't want to drag him into this mess.

As she heard the shower switch off, she put the phone back down on the side table and started brushing through her hair. She just had to get through the evening. She could be _brave._

* * *

Her feet ached, that's all she could think about. She hated wearing these shoes, but they're the only ones she had that went with the damn dress she had to wear. It wasn't an ugly dress; it was actually a really nice dress. The back was lower than she wished, and she was sure if she moved the wrong way that bruise on her back would be visible, but it wasn't the worst dress she'd ever worn. She held on to Finn's arm as they walked into the hall that had been booked for the event.

She put on the fake smile as they greeted his co-workers and made polite conversation where appropriate. She'd played the part so many times before it came as second nature. "I'm just going to go to the bar and get drinks," she spoke to him before pulling away and heading over to the bar, ordering his usual drink and kept hers non-alcoholic. As much as she needed the drink, she didn't want to deal with the fall out if he found out.

She returned to him and he kissed her cheek in thanks as he took the drink from her. She stood quietly beside him as he spoke with one of his co-workers, until he pulled away from her, talk of needing a private conversation with one of his bosses. She nodded and went to go stand by the bar while she waited for him.

As she stood there, sipping at her club soda, a man she hadn't met before approached her. She could admit, he was rather good looking, and she gave him a small smile. "Hey, you're looking pretty lonely stood here," he greeted her with a grin.

"Yeah, I'm just waiting for someone. I thought I'd met everyone here, are you new?" She asked, playing with the thin red straw in her drink.

He nodded, moving a little closer to her, "Yeah, I joined the practice two weeks ago, I haven't seen you around either, are you a doctor?"

"Oh, I don't, I'm a doctor, yeah, I'm a surgeon, I don't work at the practice, though," she explained with a smile, glad for the temporary distraction, "What's your specialty?"

He gave her a kilowatt smile as he continued on the conversation, "A surgeon? Impressive. I work in paediatrics. What's your speciality?"

"Just general surgery, at the moment. I'm starting my fellowship soon, though," she explained, keeping up the act that she hadn't started the fellowship yet, she set her drink down on the bar as she spoke, "Surgical Innovation."

Before the stranger at the bar could respond, she felt and arm slide around her waist, "Excuse us, I need to talk to _my wife_." Finn took her through a side door and her stomach dropped as he backed her up against a wall in the otherwise empty hallway. "What the hell, Meredith? What are you doing?"

"I was just, I was just making conversation," she tried to explain but he cut her off, his finger moving in front of her lips.

"You're _mine,"_ he said, getting closer to her, if that was possible, "You will not make me look bad in front of my co-workers."

Her eyes lowered to avoid his gaze and she spoke in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry."

"You know it's because I love you," he lifted her chin with two fingers and pressed a kiss to her lips, "You look beautiful, baby," he pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as he spoke, "I won't leave you alone like that again."

"Let's go back," she said with a small smile, reluctantly pressing a kiss to his lips before he stepped back. She slid her hand into his and they went back into the main hall. The best thing she could do now is stay close to him and keep quiet until she had to leave.

Through the night, he just drank drink, after drink, and she stood there by his side, waiting. It's almost as though he forgot she was a pretty talented, well-known surgeon himself. He held her on his arm like she was a trophy. To make her flight she'd need to be in a cab by ten to have time to get her suitcase and catch her flight on time. It was now just turning half nine and she could feel herself becoming more nervous as the minutes passed. She needed a drink.

"Finn, I'm just going to the bathroom," she spoke in a quiet voice close to his ear.

"Take your time," he grinned softly and as he pressed a kiss to her cheek, she could smell the alcohol on his breath. She held her breath as a wave of nausea hit her.

She nodded and headed to the nearest toilet, locking the door behind her. She took a few deep breaths. She was starting to freak out a little bit, but she needed to do this. She had to go. She looked in the mirror at herself a moment. She did look good; he wasn't wrong there. There was a slight redness on her upper arms that she only noticed now in the harsh light of the bathroom.

Before leaving the bathroom, she ordered herself a cab ready for when she would be outside. As she turned the corner, she didn't expect to see what she saw. There was her husband, his hands all over that same woman she'd seen at his office almost a week ago. Tears came to her eyes as she choked out, "Finn…"

She watched as his head turned to look at her and as he started towards her she turned and made her way as fast as she could in the damn heels, hearing him shouting after her, "Meredith, stop!"

Something inside her made her stop. She wished she hadn't. Looking back, she really wished she hadn't. His hand grabbed her arm tight as the tears ran down her face. He pulled her into a side room, some sort of cleaning closet. He shoved her at the wall and she vaguely remembered hitting her head, he didn't notice though.

"Don't leave me. You can't leave me!" He yelled at her, his hand hitting the wall beside her head, making her jump. His voice lowered, "I'm drunk, I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything." She couldn't speak. She didn't say a word. He watched her, "You can't go back out there, and I can't disappear," she watched him as he started pacing in the restricted area, "I'll meet you at home, okay? Don't go back to Seattle yet. Give me 20 minutes and I'll be right behind you. I can't live without you, Meredith."

Suddenly he was in her face again, his thumbs wiped away the tears that were still falling from her eyes. She said what she knew he wanted to hear, "I won't. I'll wait for you."

"Good, good girl," he kissed her, she could taste the alcohol on him, "I love you, Meredith."

"I love you too, Finn," she whispered in a hoarse voice and then he was gone. She looked around and saw a paper towel roll. She grabbed a piece of it and pressed it against the side of her head, an attempt to mop up the blood that had already started to dry on the side of her face.

She grabbed her bag that had fallen to the floor and left the small room, heading straight to the exit, honestly not caring if anyone saw her. She got straight in the cab that was already waiting, giving the address of the apartment as she pulled her phone out of her bag. Before she knew what she was doing, she called Derek's number she had saved earlier. He answered after two rings.

" _Hello?"_ Of course, he didn't have this number.

" _Derek? It's Meredith,"_ her voice was still shaking, and she took a few deep breaths, trying to steady it as the cab pulled up outside the apartment, she moved the phone's mic away from her mouth as she spoke, "I'll be right back, I just need to grab my bags," the driver nodded in understanding.

" _Meredith? Is everything okay?"_ she heard a door closing on his end.

" _I'm getting on the plane, soon,"_ she took a deep breath, heading to her apartment and fumbling with her keys as she tried to get the door open.

" _Meredith, breathe,"_ he attempted to soothe her, hearing the panic in her voice.

Somehow, it actually helped and she took another breath, unlocking the door, _"Give me a second,"_ she went into the closet and grabbed the suitcase and her work bag, _"I need… can you come get me? It'll be uhm, 3am I think when my flight gets in?"_

" _Just give me a moment,"_ She looked around the apartment one more time before putting a long coat on over her dress, heading back down to the waiting cab, where the driver already had the trunk open for her, and he took the suitcase to put it in for her as she got back in the back of the cab, she could hear some rustling on Derek's end of the phone before he responded.

" _I'll be there, I'll come get you,"_ she closed her eyes, letting out a breath as she leaned her head back in her seat and the cab started driving toward the airport, _"Meredith, are you okay?"_

" _Talk to me, tell me about one of your surgeries from today,"_ she asked. She needed to focus on something else.

He didn't question her _, "It was a craniotomy. Guy had an aneurysm,"_ She opened her eyes, looking out the window of the cab, listening to him as he spoke.

" _Did you use a clip?"_ She asked, thinking through the procedure in her mind.

" _Yeah, 0.5 clip, he's okay now, it was successful and he's in recovery."_

" _Thank you,"_ she said, having managed to calm down as the cab pulled into the airport _, "One moment."_ She grabbed the money from her purse for the taxi driver, passing it to him with a thanks and telling him to keep the change. She got out the cab and grabbed her suitcase from the trunk before heading into the airport. As the adrenaline passed, she could feel the thumping of pain in her head from where she'd hit it, she tried to hide the pain in her voice _, "I'm at the airport, can I call you back in about half an hour? A video call? I need to get through security first and then I need to ask you about something."_

" _Okay, I'll be ready."_

" _Thank you, I'll call you back once I get through,"_ she ended the call and took a make-up wipe out of her work bag, using the reflection in the window to temporarily clean herself up to avoid too many questions before she went through security and checked her suitcase in.

It took about twenty minutes for her to get through to the boarding lounge. She had around 30 minutes until boarding, so went into the nearby toilets which were thankfully empty. She took her new phone out of her bag and turned it on and took her old phone, turning it off. As she waited for it to power up, she looked at herself in the mirror. She was still in the stupid dress and her feet hurt even more now. She could see the reddening of her right arm where he'd grabbed her earlier, that might bruise. Finally, she checked the side of her head. There was a cut just by her hairline that would probably need stitches, but it wasn't actively bleeding anymore. She grabbed an alcohol wipe out the pocket of her bag, tentatively wiping at the remainder of dry blood there.

She binned the dirty wipe and picked up her phone, taking a few breaths before calling Derek through facetime. He answered after a single ring, clearly waiting for her call like he had said he would. His face appeared on the phone and she vaguely recognised the interior of his office, similar to that of her own. She gave him a small smile, _"Hey, I don't have long before boarding."_

" _Hey, what's going on?"_ He looked at her, concerned as he noticed the bruising that had started to form of the side of her head.

" _I know this isn't the best, I just, I want to make sure I don't have a concussion before I get on the plane, and I trust you."_

He nodded, _"Okay, let me have a closer look."_

She nodded and adjusted the view of her camera so he could get a closer look at the cut on the side of her head, _"I think it needs stitches, I just need to know if I can sleep or not on the plane,"_ she gave him a hollow laugh.

" _Yeah, you're going to need a stitch or two, I'll bring the stuff with me,"_ he studied her as she pulled the camera back to show her face properly, _"Any nausea?"_

" _Not initially, but a little bit of a headache since the adrenaline started wearing off with some nausea,"_ she bit her lip gently, she was pretty sure she knew what he would say next.

" _I can't say for certain without a proper exam, but I don't want you to risk falling asleep on the plane, okay?"_

She gave him a small smile, _"Yeah, okay, thank you for this, Derek."_

" _It's no bother, honestly,"_ he returned her smile.

"I need to go, it's time to board my flight."

" _Okay, I know airport water is ridiculously overpriced but please keep yourself hydrated, okay?"_

She would've laughed if the situation weren't so dire, _"I will, I'll see you soon."_

" _See you soon, Meredith."_

The call ended and she put the phone back in her bag. She was thankful for the bandage she had, a fixed it over the cut as a temporary fix before leaving the toilets. Just as she approached the lounge, her flight was called and she took her boarding pass and passport out of her bag, going to board the plane. She felt like this was going to be the longest flight she'd taken in a while.

* * *

Six long hours later, her plane landed at Sea-Tac and she was getting off the plane. She spent her time attempting to continue with her fellowship research to distract her, which was pretty difficult with the constant pain in her head, but she managed to keep her word to Derek to not sleep and keep herself hydrated.

As she walked through the airport to collect her luggage, she didn't expect to see him stood there waiting. She's pretty sure her heart skipped a beat when she saw him. He hadn't seen her there yet, so she grabbed her suitcase and made her way over to where he was waiting, pulling her rings off her finger and stuffing them in the pocket of her coat.

She placed her hand on his arm gently and spoke quietly, "Hey."

He turned to face her with a smile but didn't miss the concern he expressed when he saw her injury in person, "Hey."

"I thought you'd be waiting in the car," she bit her bottom lip as she watched him.

He shrugged with a short laugh, "Stretching my legs. Just so you know, you look beautiful."

She rolled her eyes, "I look like crap."

He shook his head, "No you don't. Can I have a look at your head?"

She removed the bandage with a slight wince and hesitated a moment before nodding, "Go ahead."

He lifted his hand to brush her hair back gently, wary of the bruise that had become more prominent as he studied the cut on the side of her head, "Any more nausea?"

She spoke in a quiet voice, "Not for the past few hours. Just a bit of a headache and I'm really tired."

"Let's go to the car," he took the handle of her suitcase, an action she was too tired to protest, and they walked side by side out to the parking lot as he led her to his car. He put her suitcase in the back of the car, and she climbed in the passenger side.

He grabbed his work bag before closing the trunk and slid into the driver's seat, turning on the overhead light before opening his bag to take out the suture kit, "You sure you're okay with me doing this?"

She let out a breath and turned to look at him, "It has to be done, and I'd rather it be you."

He nodded and started to clean the cut once more, being more careful with her than he would've been with any other patient. He numbed and sterilised the area and checked with her one more time before starting the sutures, "Ready?"

She nodded, and he began the couple of sutures required. She reached her hand forward, gently gripping his leg and closing her eyes. A few minutes later, he was finished and placed two steri-strips over the wound. His hand took hers that rested on his leg, giving it a gentle squeeze as he spoke quietly, "I'm finished."

He watched as her eyes opened, not missing the slight watering of them as she spoke, "Thank you, again."

"It's okay, you got some water?" He offered her a warm smile as he took out a box of aspirin from his bag. She nodded and he passed her two of the pills which she took with a drink of water.

"Am I cleared for sleep?" she asked him with a small laugh, biting her lip.

"Honestly? There's some swelling and I don't think you should be alone," he watched her reaction carefully, not wanting to overstep.

She gave him a small smile, "If I wasn't a doctor who knew the risks, I'd probably fight you on this."

He packed his things away in the bag and put it on the backseat, getting ready to start driving, "Are you still at The Archfield?"

"Yeah, I still have my room there," she told him, "You can stay, if you can, if you want," she said, looking out the window beside her as he started driving, she was having an internal debate on how much she should actually tell him.

"Okay, try and sleep if you want, I'll wake you when we get there," he glanced over at her, but she wasn't looking at him anymore. Her head, the side that wasn't injured, leant against the window as she started to drift off to sleep.

A short while later, he pulled in at the hotel parking lot. He looked over to where she slept, not wanting to wake her, but knowing he had to. His hand reached over to hers, gently squeezing it as he roused her from sleep. He spoke quietly, trying not to spook her, "Meredith, we're here."

She jumped a little as she was suddenly woken, a little disorientated as she opened her eyes, meeting Derek's blue eyes. She gave him a small smile, "Hey, sorry."

"No need to apologise," he returned her smile and got out the car, getting her suitcase from the back as she got out the passenger side with her bag over her shoulder. He went round the car, pulling the suitcase behind him as she took her room key out of her bag.

They walked beside each other into the quiet hotel, a comfortable silence between them as they rode the elevator to her floor and then walked to her room. She unlocked and opened the door for them, turning on the light as she closed the door behind him. She set her bag on the chair as he put the suitcase at the foot of the bed,

He gave her a questioning look as he lowered the handle of the suitcase, "You didn't take a suitcase with you."

She gestured towards her other suitcase, "I didn't need to take my other things back and I needed to bring more," she shrugged as she sat on the bed, finally able to take her heels off and muttered, "I _hate_ those shoes."

He nodded and sat beside her on the bed, letting her lean against him as tiredness started to overcome her once more, "What time are you due in the hospital?"

Her face turned into his shoulder as she groaned softly, "Afternoon, 2pm." His arm moved around her and gently rubbed the side of her upper arm. She tensed a little as he did, and he dropped his arm. She painfully remembered the bruise that was starting to form there under her coat sleeve. She pulled away from him and stood up, "I need to change, and just, don't ask any questions right now, okay? I'll explain, I will, I just need sleep first."

He nodded as he took off his own shoes, "Okay, I won't."

She took a deep breath before taking the coat off and laying it across the chair. She turned her back to him, not wanting to see his reaction just now at the discolouration on her upper arm. She moved across the room, grabbing her pyjama shorts and t-shirt. She spoke quietly, still not looking at him, "Can you help me with the zip, at the back?"

His breath caught in his throat as he watched her taking off her coat, his eyes instantly fixed on the bruise forming on her upper arm. His eyes followed her as she moved across the room, and as she spoke, he stood up, moving to stand behind her and gently unzipped the dress, afraid to say anything. He stepped back again as she held her dress up, not wanting to show him anymore as she went into the bathroom to change into her top and shorts.

He took off his shirt and pants while she was in the bathroom, to leave himself in his boxers. When she returned, she climbed into the bed hiding her body under the covers. He moved across the room to switch off the light before returning to the bed, leaving space between them. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable.

He lay there, watching her body rise and fall with each breath as the faced away from him on her side, not wanting to take his eyes off her when he heard her small voice, "Will you hold me?"

He slowly moved closer to her, trying to be as gentle as possible as he wrapped his arms around her and held her against him, "Is this okay?"

She nodded as she turned into his chest, "Thank you."

His lips pressed a soft kiss against the top of her head and spoke quietly, "Sleep, I'll be here as long as you need me."

He watched her as she fell asleep, his hand gently rubbing her back and eventually, he followed her into sleep, his mind filled with questions.


	3. Help

_Help_. To make it easier or possible for someone to do something by offering them one's services or resources (verb). The action of helping someone to do something (noun). Used as an appeal for urgent assistance (exclamation).

* * *

He'd barely managed to sleep any before he was wide awake again. Meredith was still curled up against him as she slept and he watched her as she slept peacefully, his mind drifting back to the events of the last 12 hours.

* * *

He'd only left surgery ten minutes before his phone started ringing, and he excused himself from conversation with Richard to answer the call from the unknown number, _"Hello?"_

" _Derek? It's Meredith,"_ as soon as he heard the panic in her voice on the other end, however much she might've been trying to hide it, he moved further away from Richard, searching out a room where he could take the call more privately.

He heard her hushed voice speaking to someone on the other end and he went into the nearest on-call room, closing the door behind him, _"Meredith? Is everything okay?"_

" _I'm getting on the plane, soon,"_ he listened carefully as she took a deep breath, but could also hear the fumbling of keys, presumably as she attempted to get a door open, the panic still prevalent in her voice.

" _Meredith, breathe,"_ he attempted to try and calm her a little, feeling slightly helpless being on the other end of the phone across the country and not beside her, but he'd do the best he could. He listened as she took another deep breath and then successfully opened whichever door she had been attempting to open.

" _Give me a second,"_ he waited as he heard her moving around, that feeling of helplessness not leaving him for a second as she spoke again, _"I need… can you come get me? It'll be uhm, 3am when my flight gets in?"_

His eyes moved to the clock on the wall, it was around quarter to nine, _"Just give me a moment."_ He left the room and went back to the OR board, double checking he had no more surgeries scheduled in. Just a few post-ops to check on and then he could go, _"I'll be there, I'll come get you,"_ he listened as she released a breath and as she remained quiet, he could hear in the background noise that she was in a car again and returned to the on-call room before speaking, _"Meredith, are you okay?"_

As he presumed she would, she deflected his question, _"Talk to me, tell me about one of your surgeries from today."_

Now was definitely not the time to question her, and he wanted to help her calm down, not get her worked up, " _It was a craniotomy. Guy had an aneurysm."_

He listened as her breathing seemed to become somewhat steadier, if he could have seen the concentration on her face, he would've realised she was going through the steps of the procedure in her mind, _"Did you use a clip? What size?"_

He couldn't help the smile that spread across his lips, she genuinely sounded interested enough to ask, _"Yeah, 0.5 clip,"_ he paused a moment before adding further detail, _"He's okay now, surgery was successful and he's in recovery."_

" _Thank you,"_ she was silent a moment longer before speaking again, _"One moment."_ He listened as she spoke with the taxi driver again and moved around some more. He heard the closing of a car door and what sounded like the wheels of a suitcase against the floor, when she spoke next, he could hear a slight pain to her voice, _"I'm at the airport, can I call you back in about half an hour? A video call? I need to get through security first and then I need to ask you about something."_

He was a little confused at the request, but he knew she wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important, and a selfish part of him wanted to see her face again, _"Okay, I'll be ready."_

" _Thank you, I'll call back once I get through,"_ and with that she dropped the call.

* * *

As he was lost in his own thoughts, Meredith turned in her sleep, away from him and on to her stomach. He lay on his side, his hand propping up his head as his eyes watched her body move up and down slightly with each breath she took.

He hadn't been prepared for what he'd see when she did call him back. He thought about the way she'd looked when he answered the next call as he sat at the desk in his office with the door locked.

* * *

As he answered her call, he studied the image of her face on the screen carefully. She appeared to be in a public bathroom, but that wasn't what was important. What was important was the slight red colour that tinged the whites of her eyes, and the early developing bruise to the side of her forehead, and even then, she still managed to give him a small smile, _"Hey, I don't have long before boarding."_

He couldn't keep away the concern that laced with his tone as he studied her, _"Hey, what's going on?"_

" _I know this isn't the best, I just, I want to make sure I don't have a concussion before I get on the plane, and I trust you."_ Those three words made his heart swell, that she trusted him.

Forgoing any questioning, aware of the slight rush she was in, he nodded, _"Okay, let me have a closer look."_

He watched as she nodded and angled the phone so that he could see the wound on the side of her head. She would probably need a stitch or two, and the area looked a little swollen, but she spoke before he could give his initial evaluation to her out loud, _"I think it needs stitches, I just need to know if I can sleep or not on the plane."_

His heart broke a little as he heard her hollow laugh, but he kept a straight face for her, _"Yeah, you're going to need a stitch or two, I'll bring the stuff with me,"_ he mused, making a mental note to grab the things he'd need before leaving the hospital, _"Any nausea or dizziness? How's your vision?"_

He studied her expression as she moved the phone back so he could see her face again and she shook her head a little, _"Not initially, but a little bit of a headache since the adrenaline started wearing off with some nausea,"_ he watched as she bit her lip, almost anticipating his next words. Normally, seeing the way she bit her lower lip would do things to him, but even he knew when there was a time and a place.

" _I can't say for certain without a proper exam, but I don't want you to risk falling asleep on the plane, okay?"_ He wouldn't have minded had he been with her, but she was flying alone and he didn't expect anyone to keep an eye on her.

She gave him a small smile as she responded to his evaluation, _"Yeah, okay, thank you for this, Derek."_

He couldn't help but return her smile, _"It's no bother, honestly."_

" _I need to go it's time to board my flight."_

" _Okay, I know airport water is ridiculously overpriced, but please keep yourself hydrated, okay?"_

" _I will, I'll see you soon."_

" _See you soon, Meredith,"_ with that, the call ended, and he let out a long breath.

* * *

He brought himself back to the present, focusing on Meredith as she breathed softly beside him in her sleep, in and out. He studied the peaceful look on her face, previously laced with pain and hurt while she'd been awake, his mind coming up with all sorts of assumptions as to what had happened to her that night.

He didn't expect her to talk though, and he thought maybe, the best way to help her was to tell her more about himself. He'd tell her about Addison, about the way he'd walked in on her with another man, his best friend. He'd tell her about the divorce that had been finalised just hours before he'd met Meredith. Regardless of anything else going on, he wanted this to work with her and the only way to ensure that was to make sure he was honest with her from the start.

Even after he told her all of that, he didn't expect her to talk until she was ready, as long as she knew he'd be there for her, however she needed him. He suspected she hadn't had someone in her corner for a long time.

He closed his eyes again, settling for listening to the sound of her breathing, lulling him back to sleep.

She awoke, momentarily forgetting where she was. As her eyes open and she took in her surroundings, realising she was in Seattle, she was with Derek, she was safe. She was safe. She reached over to check the time on her phone that sat on the bedside table. It had just gone past 10am. She sat on the side of the bed as she woke a little more, feeling a dull ache in her arm and shoulder.

She felt Derek's movement behind her before she heard his voice, thick with sleep, "Meredith?"

"I'm just going to take a shower, go back to sleep," she gave him a small smile of reassurance before she stood up and went into the bathroom.

She stood in front of the sink, looking in the mirror at herself. Her hair was a mess, and mascara smudged under her eyes. She ran a hand through her hair in an effort to soothe it out. She then focused on the developing bruise on the side of her face accompanied by the stitched up wound partially hidden in her hairline. She had to admit, he'd done a good job with it, almost as good as a plastic surgeon. Instantly her thoughts went to Finn, a shiver running down her spine.

She didn't want to think about him right now. She knew there was going to be a fall out, eventually, and her plan was to strictly avoid even thinking about it. She turned on the hot water for the shower and discarded her pyjamas to the floor before stepping in.

After finishing up in the shower, managing to not get her stitches wet, she went back into the bedroom with her bathrobe on. Derek was still asleep in the bed as she moved around the room, opening up the suitcase she'd brought back with her the previous night to take out the clothes she wanted to wear and taking them back into the bathroom to change.

As she changed, she made the decision that she wasn't going to tell him what happened. She couldn't tell anyone, least of all the guy she'd slept with when she first got to Seattle. She just needed to remind herself, she came here to get away, to be independent. She didn't need to be getting involved with anyone or dragging anyone into her situation.

Once she was ready to leave for the hospital, she wrote a quick note for Derek, leaving it on the table beside his side of the bed to let him know that she'd gone to work, and that the door should lock behind him.

* * *

Coming out of surgery at 6am, she froze as she saw a familiar person stood up ahead. "Cristina? Cristina Yang?" Meredith couldn't believe who she saw stood by the OR. The woman who stood just ahead of her turned to look at her with a questioning gaze.

"Meredith? What are you doing here?" She said in almost disbelief.

"I'm doing my fellowship here, I started last week. Do you work here?"

"I did my residency here, I've been away for the past two weeks before my fellowship started," she stepped forward as though she wanted to hug Meredith, but Meredith took a step back, "I never thought you'd leave Boston."

"Well, you know, plans change," she said with a weak smile.

Cristina looked at her, confused at Meredith's unnatural timid-ness. She'd been nothing like this in med school, something had definitely changed. And then she remembered the phone call she'd received the previous day, "I was actually going to try and contact you today. Finn called."

Meredith looked at her with wide eyes and her breath caught in her throat. Why would he call Cristina? He knew they hadn't spoken since the start of their last year in med school, which in hindsight was mostly his doing. One of her biggest regrets was losing touch with her.

When Meredith didn't say anything, Cristina continued, albeit cautiously, "He sounded like he was close to filing a missing person's report, you know."

A rush of anger flooded through Meredith, causing tears to well in her eyes. Cristina knew this look from the time they'd spent together through pre-med and med school. Looking at Meredith closer, she now noticed the sutured wound on her forehead, somewhat hidden by her hair line. Cristina's face dropped. The fears she'd had from med school flooded her mind. "Oh, Meredith…"

Meredith knew that Cristina had figured her out, and she took the woman by the arm, ushering her into a nearby empty office, locking the door behind her. "I'm sorry," as she said this, Meredith realised she had started crying when the sobs wracked through her chest and Cristina's arms wrapped around. Almost as if they hadn't been apart for the last six years.

"You don't get to apologise. I should've questioned more, and I should've done more. I knew he was bad news, and I saw how he was treating you, and I didn't do enough about it," her hand rubbed Meredith's back as she started to calm a bit.

Meredith shook her head as her friend held her, "this isn't your fault."

"How long?" Meredith knew what Cristina was asking.

"Just over a year. I left a week ago. I went back at the weekend, which was stupid of me, and then I really ran. He knows I could be in Seattle, but he doesn't know I'm here. He doesn't know I'm working here. No one here knows, Cristina. Richard still thinks I'm happily married!"

"I won't let him near you. Even if he does come here thinking we're harbouring you. He knows I'm working here somehow, that's how he got in contact with me to ask about you. I don't know if he's actually going to file you as a missing person, though."

"I'll call my lawyer, see what they say. I'm waiting on divorce papers to be served to him, hopefully he'll just sign them. Right now, I plan to just bury myself in work"

"Classic Meredith. You haven't changed that much," Cristina said with a laugh as she tried to lighten the mood in the room.

Meredith wiped at her face where she'd been crying and turned to Cristina, "How do I look?"

"Only a little like you were just bawling your eyes out," she teased her, "Are you going be okay while I go into surgery? I'm due in like five minutes."

Meredith nodded, "I'll be okay, I was just headed to catch a few hours' sleep, and then I'm in surgery the rest of the afternoon. I can't take a break every time I have a breakdown about it, I'd getting nothing done," she said to her with a sad smile.

Cristina nodded, "Okay, well we can go to Joe's after work, the bar across the street, and catch up properly. I've missed my person".

"I've missed my person too, Cris."

They left the office together and Yang gave her one final hug before heading off to her assigned OR for surgery. As Meredith turned to go to the nearby on-call room, she saw Derek stood there watching her.

He watched as she hugged Dr Yang, a doctor he hadn't had talked to much past introductions, and when she looked at him, he could see the red tinge in her eyes, a sure sign she'd just been crying. She walked over to him with a small smile, "Hey, you're in early."

He shrugged, "I'm a bit of a morning person, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to try and catch a few hours' sleep," she explained.

"Okay, I'll see you later?" He asked.

"Thanks, I'll uhm, I'll see you around," she said with a small smile before she turned around, heading to the on-call room. Internally, she was hitting herself. _See you around?_ She decided then she had to distance herself from him. Work came first, and she wasn't going to drag him into whatever drama she had going on. She'd taken up enough of his time.

* * *

Before meeting Cristina at Joe's, she went back to the hotel to shower and change, and then to visit her mother. They mentioned she'd have to get everything signed over soon, as her mother deteriorated more and more by the day. She made a mental note to get that sorted by the end of the week. She didn't spend too much time there, despite not seeing her all weekend, and when her mother asked about Finn, she smiled and said he couldn't make it.

Cristina was already there, sat at the bar waiting for her. She sat beside her and greeted her old friend, ordering a shot of tequila alongside a vodka lemonade. They took their drinks and sat in a booth in the back of the bar, initially making small talk, catching each other up without yet mentioning Meredith's somewhat estranged husband. Cristina had moved to Seattle, studied under Dr Burke until his disappearance at the start of her second year of residency and that following winter had met Dr Owen Hunt, a trauma surgeon who'd been in the army. They still hooked up from time to time, Cristina had told her, but they wanted different things, they'd never be able to have an actual relationship. He'd gone back out on tour a few months ago.

After they'd ordered the second round of drinks, Meredith started to talk about the topic they had been ignoring. Cristina was already aware of the first year of their relationship, more or less, so Meredith just picked up where they'd left off, when they'd parted ways near the end of med school.

"He wanted me to do my residency at the same place as him, he said he'd leave me if I made us do long distance. So, I made Mass Gen my first choice, I didn't want to be alone. It's not a bad residency programme, and my Mom was working there up until I left for college. I look back and I see the warning signs, you know? I could've stopped it but, you know how it was with Ellis. I just wanted to feel loved and he'd threaten to leave, like he knew he had this hold over me, that he knew I was trying so hard to make him happy. And I did. He was nicer to me when he was happy," she knew she was rambling, and she took a pause as the bartender brought their second round over to the table.

"I moved in with him in my intern year. He was in his fourth year and was specialising in plastics, he said that was where the money was at," she scoffed at the thought and her mind drifted.

* * *

_She sat on his bed, laptop in front of her as she looked through rental listings, a soft sigh escaping her lips. She was struggling to find somewhere affordable and liveable._

_She looked up as he walked in the room, fresh from the shower, a towel around his waist, "What's up, Mer?"_

_She closed the laptop, moving it off the bed and putting it on the side table, "It's like there's no where decent enough to live."_

" _Why do you need somewhere to live?" He asked, moving on to the bed between her legs, his hand settling on her waist._

_She grinned as he moved over her, "I can't live in student halls anymore, I'm not going to be a student," she bit her lip gently as his hand move under her waist with a gentle grip._

" _Just live here," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, leaning down to press a kiss against her lips which he returned._

_She raised an eyebrow, "You're asking me to move in with you."_

_He grinned and deepened the kiss, murmuring against her lips, "I guess I am."_

* * *

She was snapped back to present day by the loud laughter of a drunken group of men across the room. She looked to Cristina who was watching her closely, "You know we don't need to talk about this if you don't want to."

Meredith took a long sip of her drink and they sat in silence a moment before she spoke, "Am I doing the right thing? Walking away?"

Cristina gave her friend a sad look, "You deserve so much more, Meredith."

"That is pretty hard to believe," she said with a hollow laugh, her fingers tapping against the side of her glass.

"It mainly started about two years ago," she began, "Obviously, he finished his residency first. It started small, the possessiveness, the controlling behaviour, I didn't even see it until it was too late," she still spoke in a whisper, taking a moment before she continued, blinking away tears that had formed in her eyes, "I guess there had been hints from the start, like you said. But anyway, he joined this private practice in Boston once he passed his boards. He was, he is, making _a lot_ of money. Maybe it got to his head? I don't know. But just over a year ago, not long after our second wedding anniversary, that's when it started becoming… Physical," her breath caught as she said the word and she glanced up at Cristina, devastation clear on his face as she told her story, she quickly looked back at the glass in her hands, "I'll spare you the full details. When that started, I knew I had to do something. He had control of the finances, the apartment is in his name, I couldn't just up and leave. I couldn't run back to Ellis, I mean, maybe I could've, but she wouldn't have let me hear the end of it," at this thought a few tears escaped down her cheeks and she hastily rubbed them away. "I got a bank account, solely in my name. I put money away when I could. I got my fellowship advance paid into it for relocation costs. I registered it to my Mom's house in Seattle so that he wouldn't see any letters, or statements. When I got the call a few months ago, about Ellis' Alzheimer's diagnosis, that was the just about the final push. That's when I started actually planning to leave. I lined it up with the end of my residency and I applied to fellowships around Seattle and got the best offer here. And then the night I was leaving, I went to his office at the practice, that's where I found him with some red-headed woman. I don't even know who she is. I turned around and walked away. I had everything I needed, I'd spoken with lawyers, I had the money in the bank, I had a second phone so he couldn't contact me, I had my suitcase packed and I came here."

She didn't know if it was the alcohol, but as she continued with the story her mind kept replaying the more positive memories she had with Finn. By the time she finished she'd had around four, maybe five drinks.

As she said the next three words, she didn't have a doubt in her mind that Cristina wouldn't judge her, or berate her, "I miss him."

"I know, Mer," Cristina acknowledged her.

Meredith suddenly out a laugh, causing Cristina to raise her eyebrows in questioning, "I haven't told you what I did my second night here."

"Oh god, what did you do?"

"I came for a drink, just to get take the edge of after having dinner with Richard. I slept with someone," she finished off her drink in one before continuing, "Turns out it's the new head of neuro at Seattle Grace."

Cristina burst out laughing, "Derek Shepherd? You slept with Derek Shepherd?"

She groaned and leaned back against her seat with a soft groan, "It was definitely the tequila. He picked me up from the airport yesterday, stitched my head back together," she gestured to the sutures on her forehead.

Cristina shook her head in disbelief, "Does he know?"

Meredith Grey shook her head, "Definitely not. Gave him some spiel about not dating work colleagues, he responded with being just friends. I don't fully believe that's what he wants," she shrugged as another drink was delivered to their table.

"And how's that going for you?" She raised an eyebrow at her friend.

Meredith shrugged and started at her new drink, "About as well as it sounds."

Cristina studied her friend a moment aware of the effect the alcohol seemed to be having on her, before hearing the sound of her pager. "Where are you staying?"

"I'm fine, go, go, I'll stay here," she grinned at her friend, "I'll stay right here, and I won't move."

Cristina looked at her cautiously, "Are you sure? Give me your keys."

Meredith frowned but handed her keys over anyway, "I'm sure."

"Don't be taking any more mystery men home," Cristina said as she got up and reluctantly left her friend there in the booth. Meredith's eyes roamed the room with a sigh, finishing off her drink before climbing out of the seat and heading over to the bar. She took a seat as she ordered a shot of tequila.

* * *

It had been one week since the incident in Boston, and she'd actually managed to avoid any conversation of run in with Derek since she left him in the hotel room. Her lawyer had called her that morning to let her know that the divorce papers had been served to Finn. She felt more on edge today than she had since she left on the flight to Seattle.

She stood in the scrub room for OR 2, watching Cristina as she finished up in her surgery, almost jumping up and down with anxiety as she waited to give her friend the most recent update. Since telling Cristina everything, and catching up with her, it had actually eased some of the anxiety for her. Not all of it, though.

Cristina looked up from where she was finishing the last suture on her patient, seeing Meredith stood waiting for her. She finished up and went into the scrub room, pulling off her gown and gloves and throwing them into the waste bin. She ran the water as she scrubbed out, "What's up, Mer?"

Meredith leant against the sink as she spoke, "They served him the papers this morning."

"Well that's good, that's progress… why do you look like you're about to go further into hiding?" she asked as she dried off her hands.

"He could turn up at any moment," she walked out the scrub room, side by side with Cristina as she spoke in a quiet voice, "but I guess, maybe he'll just sign the papers and it'll all be over, right?"

"Are you being positive?" Cristina asked in a wary voice as they made their way to their shared office.

"I mean, I was trying? Did it sound believable?" Meredith asked.

"Not in the slightest," her friend gave her a somewhat comforting pat on the shoulder, "Look, he knew you were in Seattle all week and hasn't come here, maybe he won't again."

"You don't sound too convincing either, you know," she said with a small laugh, which quickly faded as she saw Derek approaching them. Cristina saw and gave her friend a sympathetic smile before walking ahead and going into the office.

"Hey, Dr Grey, can we talk?" He asked her.

"Dr Shepherd is there a patient?" she asked as she fiddled with her fingers nervously.

He sighed a little and took her arm, taking her into the stair well, "Will you please stop avoiding me?"

She pulled her arm back from him, leaning back against the railing as she rolled her eyes, "I'm not avoiding you."

"You're not as subtle as you think you are, you know," he said, watching her, "You're acting like that weekend never happened."

At the mention of that weekend, Meredith's eyes closed, and she took a deep breath before speaking in an almost whisper, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, fine," he sighed, feeling defeated. He wasn't going to force it out of her when she clearly didn't want to talk about it.

Her eyes opened again and looked up at him, "Look, I fell, okay? I was running late for my flight and I fell and hit my head. It's not a big deal," she narrowed her eyes as his gaze looked over her, "Will you please stop looking at me like that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You look at me like I'm about to break, and I'm not, okay? I called you because I had no one else to call, and I didn't want to come here and have everyone talking about it, making up their own stories," her arms crossed over her chest as she spoke.

"And now you won't speak to me? Way to say thanks, Meredith."

She rolled her eyes again and moved around him, walking back out into the hallway and continuing on to her office. She practically stormed into the room, closing the door behind her and she sat in her desk chair with a groan.

"So how did that go?" Cristina asked with a short laugh.

"I told him I fell over," she said, leant forward on her desk with her head on her crossed arms.

Cristina continued with the paperwork on her desk as she spoke, "Classic. You know he watches you, _all the time._ He's pining for you. It's sickening."

Meredith opened up her laptop, loading her emails as she spoke, "Well I have more important things to worry about."

"Don't worry, if I see him, I'll kick his ass for you," Cristina said with a shrug.

Meredith laughed softly, "Thanks, Cristina." Meredith went quiet as she read through her emails. She already had a follow up from her lawyer – Finn was refusing to sign the divorce papers until she came back and spoke to him. She groaned softly, "Well that just made things ten times harder, he won't sign unless I go back to Boston."

Cristina looked up at her, "Seriously? I mean, it sounds like he's not willing to come here."

"I hope he doesn't," she said as she started typing up an email to send back, to confirm she wouldn't be able to return to Boston, "I don't see why he doesn't just sign them, probably too busy fucking that red-head in his office."

"You need a surgery, go troll the emergency room and find a surgery to distract yourself, okay?"

She closed the laptop, "Good idea."

* * *

It had been just over a week since the divorce papers had been issued. Meredith was reviewing charts by the nurses' station when she heard a voice behind her that had her frozen to the spot, "Meredith?"

She plastered a fake smile on her face as she turned to face him, "Mark Sloan, what are you doing here?"

"Well, you know, cleaning up my mess as usual," he laughed and moved to give her a hug which she returned, "What are you doing here? Where's Finn?"

She raised an eyebrow and motioned to the chart in her hand, "I'm working and Finn... he's back in Boston," she avoided eye contact with Mark as she spoke.

Mark furrowed his brow, "I didn't peg you guys to do long distance."

Meredith shrugged with a half-smile, "People change, I guess." She quickly changed subject, "So what mess are you cleaning up now?"

He stood in front of her, looking sheepishly at Meredith as she narrowed her eyes at him, "I may have had an affair with my best friend's wife."

"Mark!" Her hand slapped against his shoulder and he cowered slightly, "Wait, is this that woman you kept going on about? What was her name?" Meredith furrowed her brow as she tried to remember the name. Alison? Abigail?

"Addison," he said with a sigh, "but then he divorced her, and she disappeared, practically ghosted me, so I've come to win my best friend back," he shrugged.

"Right, but wasn't she back in New York? Why are you in Seattle of all places you could go? It rains, and it's cold. I had to come here for my mother," she laughed a little, "I definitely wouldn't choose it as a getaway destination."

"Oh no, I wouldn't choose to come here. But apparently, this is Derek's city of choice," he shrugged and leaned against the nurses' desk, "he's run away to practically live in the woods."

Meredith's eyes widened, "Wait, Derek? As in Derek Shepherd, the neurosurgeon?"

"Yes! You know him?" Mark grinned at her, not quite registering the shock on her face.

"I mean, yeah, he works here I just didn't realise... you're the best friend that slept with his wife? Twice?"

"Yeah, and I feel terrible about it, I really do," Mark plead.

She gave him a hollow laugh as she signed off the chart in her hand, "I'm sure you do, Sloan."

Their conversation was cut short as a loud voice interrupted them, "What the hell are you doing here, Mark?!"

They both turned to look at the source to find Derek walking up to them, looking like he was ready for a fight, Mark spoke up first, "Derek! Can we talk?"

Derek scoffed and shook his head, "I don't want to talk to you. Go back to New York. Leave."

Meredith stood there, looking between the two, and the strong urge to remove herself from the situation had her stomach doing flips. Her hand went to her abdomen unconsciously and she didn't miss the look Derek gave her as he registered that she was stood there.

"Don't listen to a word he says Dr Grey," he gestured to Mark, "he's a liar, and a cheat."

"Mark? I know he is, that doesn't surprise me in the least," she said with a laugh, which only increased the nausea she felt, "you boys figure it out, I have somewhere to be," she said in a quiet voice as she handed the chart back to the nurse and turned to leave, hoping to reach the toilet before vomiting. She took one step and when she realised, she definitely wouldn't make it that far, she went behind the nurses' station and threw up her lunch into the waste bin there.

The bickering between Derek and Mark was silenced with the noise of her upheaval and they both turned to look at her. Derek spoke first, "Meredith?"

He started to walk toward her, but she held up a hand to stop him as she leant against the glass window beside her, "Don't."

Mark watched curiously, not saying anything as he observed the interaction. Meredith pulled her hair back into a ponytail, tying it up and out of her face. She took a moment, ensuring she wasn't about to start throwing up again, before she made her way to her office, ignoring the heated conversation happening between the two doctors she left stood there. She needed to see Cristina.

As she walked into the office she shared with her best friend, she realised she was breathing a little heavier as she closed the door and leaned her back against it. Cristina heard her come in and looked up from the article she was reading, "What's going on with you?"

Meredith looked at her with a pained expression, "Oh, you know, an old friend of Finn's arrived in the hospital. Turns out he's the best friend who slept with Derek's ex-wife. He doesn't know I left Finn. And to top it off, I just vomited into a waste basket in front of him and Derek."

"Oh wow, it's not even," Cristina glanced down at her watch, "2pm and you're having quite the afternoon. Why the vomiting?"

Meredith shrugged, "I don't know, Derek looked like he was about to punch out Mark and I started feeling nauseous," she trailed off as her mind worked through the possible reasons for her nausea, and then she realised a vital piece of information, "I'm late. Cristina, I'm late."

"You really are having an eventful afternoon," Cristina raises her eyebrows as she caught on to Meredith's meaning and stood up from her desk, "Right, come on then, let's go find out."

Meredith looked to her, "Right now? Do we have to do this right now?"

Cristina nodded, "Better to know than to not know."

Meredith stepped to the side and Cristina opened the door, taking Meredith's arm in hers as she led her to the clinic. The whole way there, Meredith was looking round vigilantly, highly aware they could walk into Derek, or Mark, or the both of them, at any point. Thankfully, they made it without any interruptions and ignored the look they got from Dr Bailey who was working in the clinic.

They entered an empty exam room and Cristina closed the blinds on the door while Meredith took her lab coat off and sat on the exam bed. Cristina gathered the necessary equipment to take Meredith's blood and minutes later, had a vial of Meredith's blood ready to take to the lab. She passed the blood work to Meredith, checking the time on the wall clock, "There, now are you okay to take that straight to the lab? I have a surgery to get to."

Meredith nodded with a small sigh as she put the lab coat back on, "Yeah, I got it."

The two women left the exam room, Meredith heading to the lab and Cristina heading off to surgery.

On her way back from the lab, with a promise of a page once the results of 'Jane Doe' were ready, Meredith found herself being accosted once again by Derek, this time into an on-call room. He locked the door behind them.

"What the hell, Derek?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

Derek took a breath, almost as though he was trying to calm himself down, "Who's Finn?"

Meredith immediately tensed up and dropped her arms, speaking in a quiet voice, "What did Mark say?"

Derek couldn't look at her as he spoke, "Apparently, you and Finn have been trying for years to get pregnant."

Meredith scoffed as she sat down on the bed, her face in her hands as she muttered, "I thought you said not to listen to a word he says."

"I guess you and Mark have a lot in common, maybe I shouldn't listen to a word that you say," she could hear the accusation in his voice. She was a cheater, making her a liar, just like his former friend.

"Then why are you talking to me?" She looked up at him, hurt evident in her eyes as they started to water, "Mark doesn't know everything. He thinks he does, but he doesn't."

"Do I really mean that little to you, that you can't just tell me the truth for once?" His hand ran through his hair, still unable to look at her.

He didn't see when tears started falling down her cheeks, or when she wiped them away before he could. She stood off the bed, malice laced in her tone as she spoke, "I'm married. Is that what you want to hear? I'm married to Finn Dandridge, the best Plastic Surgeon in Boston." Her hand reached for the door and she spoke in a quieter voice before leaving the room, "Now, just let me continue avoiding you because I can't deal with your damn ego right now."

She needed alone and she needed it now. Knowing Cristina would still be in surgery for the next however many hours, she went straight to their shared office and locked the door behind her, sitting on the couch out of the view of anyone walking past.

She lay back against the arm of the couch and found her hand resting on her abdomen once more. Mark wasn't wrong. Her and Finn had been trying ever since her intern year to get pregnant, to no avail. Not even a pregnancy scare. Something she'd been grateful for in the past year.

She had been to her OBGYN about it, she'd thought something was wrong with her. After receiving a clean bill of health, she'd tried to bring up the subject with Finn. He wouldn't have any of it. There's couldn't be anything wrong with him.

Except she'd only slept with Derek once, and it had been over two months, and she'd had her period, since she'd let Finn has his way with her. She didn't need a test on his part to confirm what she'd previously suspected - Finn was infertile.

Her head leant against the cushion beside her as her eyes closed. She was exhausted. Her emotions were heightened, and she was feeling nauseous all over again. She had no idea what she was going to do now that Derek knew about Finn. He didn't know the whole story but she hadn't exactly stuck around to tell it, either.

She must've lay there for far longer than thirty minutes, almost falling asleep when her pager went off. She groaned softly before checking it. The lab results were back.

She stood from where she'd previously cocooned herself, grabbing a bottle of water from her desk before she made her way down to the lab to collect the results. She didn't know what she wanted them to say. Of course, things would be much easier if she wasn't pregnant, but as bad as her relationship with Finn ever got, she had at one point wanted to get pregnant. It's what he wanted, and if she gave him what he wanted she got a break from the nasty words and more recently, the 'accidents.' That's what he called them.

She shook her head of the thought as she exited the elevator and approached the lab. The technician recognised her from earlier and grabbed a piece of paper, assuredly the results, "Jane Doe?"

"Yeah," she gave a small smile as she took the paper, not yet looking at it, "Thanks."

The technician gave her a silent nod before continuing with whatever task they were completing before her arrival.

As she walked, with no real intention of where she was going, she kept the piece of paper held against her, not wanting to look at it with the risk of prying eyes on her.

Coming across an empty on-call room, she slipped inside, not thinking to lock it behind her. She took her lab coat and shoes off, placing the forgotten water bottle on the table, before laying on her back, staring at the ceiling. She could do this.

She took a deep breath before lifting the piece of paper above her so she could read it. Her eyes concentrated far longer than necessary on the standard results that were provided, slowly making her way to the final result on the page.

The truth was there in bold, waiting for her to read it. _**Positive**_.

She turned on her side, facing the wall, unable to stop the tears that began streaming down her face. She held the paper against her and squeezed her eyes shut, letting the silent sobs take over.

At some point, she must've fallen asleep, because the next thing she knew she wasn't alone in the room. She wasn't alone on the bed. She could feel the weight of someone sat by her feet.

Opening her eyes, sore from crying, she squinted at the person sat there. Sloan. Not quite the last person she wanted to see, but he wasn't that high up the list either.

It took her a moment to realise he was now holding the piece of paper she'd been clutching as she fell asleep. She sat up in the bed with alarm, not anticipating the slight lightheaded-ness as she did so.

He looked over as he saw her movement out of the corner of her eye, "We could all see it, you know."

Her mind still felt foggy and she sat confused, "What do you mean?" She asked in a small voice.

"Well, most of us... those of us who were watching. It was never spoken about, or questioned, but I'm sure I'm not the only person to notice. I'm pretty sure I know why you're here and he isn't," Mark started to explain.

"You don't know anything," she cut him off in a cold voice, taking the paper from his hands, "and that's confidential."

He gave her a look, the pity look. It made her sick to her stomach, she couldn't bare it. The last thing she wanted was anyone's pity. "I could've helped, and I didn't."

She stood up from the bed and spoke in a quiet voice as she put her lab coat back on, "I don't know what you're talking about." She stuffed the paper in her pocket, making a mental note to shred it before anyone else could read it.

"Cut the crap, Meredith," he said, watching her from where he sat on the bed, "You might have everyone else fooled, but you aren't fooling me."

She felt her eyes start to water and she took a breath, "I thought he would've told you that I'd left."

"He hasn't told anyone you've left. As far as anyone is aware, you're looking after your mother," his tone turned more serious, "Honestly, I was starting to think something worse had happened."

"It probably would have if I hadn't left," she spoke at almost a whisper as she admitted her fear out loud for the first time, "He got the divorce papers two weeks ago. Told the lawyer he wouldn't sign them unless I went back to Boston to speak with him in person. I can't go, I can't go back now."

She sat back down on the bed beside him. Even though she hadn't seen Mark since her intern year, barring the odd gala or fundraising event the practice held where she wasn't allowed to speak to him, she still held a bond with him. They'd met through Finn, and had started to become quite close, until Finn got jealous and demanded she never speak to him again. And if she refused, she obviously didn't love him. So, she did as he said, and she cut him off too.

Mark sighed as his arm reached around her shoulders and she leaned against him, her head on his shoulder. His chin rested on top of her head. "You don't have to go back," he was quiet a moment longer before he spoke again, "do you want to talk about the blood test results?"

She groaned softly and her eyes closed, "It's not his."

Mark chuckled, "I have a pretty good idea whose it might be."

"I know, I'm an adulterous whore," she muttered, "But in my defence, he was one first and I had left him, even if he didn't know I'd left him. It was just one time," she said with a bitter laugh. "He probably hates me now, too, didn't know I was married until someone commented earlier."

She narrowed her eyes as she looked up at him and he raised his hands as if to defend himself, "I'm sorry, I didn't intentionally out you like that."

She shrugged with a sigh, "I know, it's my own fault for not telling him. He told me about his own divorce and I just avoided anything to do with me." She stood up off the bed and pushed her hair back slightly to show the faint scar now much more easily hidden in her hair line, "He stitched this up for me after Finn shoved me against a wall."

Mark raised his eyebrows as he stood to take a closer look, "Damn, Shepherd didn't do a bad job."

"Yeah well, he thinks I just fell over. I've basically avoided him ever since," she said with a shrug, "what's your plan here anyway? Are you staying?"

"Well, word is Webber is looking to add plastics into the grand resumé that is Seattle Grace, so I could look at getting a job here, there's nothing left for me back east anyways," he said, "and that way I can keep an eye on you."

She shook her head, slightly out of disbelief, "I don't know why you're acting like I didn't ignore you for years."

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't your choice," he gave her a pointed look, "like I said, I could've helped earlier and saved you a lot of hurt and I didn't. This is me trying to make it up to you."

"I never expected anyone to help me," she sighed softly and went to put her trainers back on.

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't let them, Mer," Mark said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

A thought crossed Meredith's mind and she looked up at Mark, "Maybe you should speak to Richard _before_ he tries to offer a job to my hopefully soon to be ex-husband?"

"Oh crap, yeah that's probably a good idea," Mark ruffled her hair as she rolled her eyes, "Drinks later, I'll come find you."

"Yeah, yeah, okay, just do me a favour, don't tell Derek about," she gestured to her abdomen, "this."

"I won't, but don't keep it from him for too long, okay?" he said as he left the room, leaving her alone. She grabbed the water bottle and sat on the bed, taking a long drink, dehydrated from all the crying. With a soft groan she realised, she couldn't take 8 more months of all this crying.


	4. Hope

_Hope._ A feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen (noun). To want something to happen it be the case (verb).

* * *

_Another 2 Weeks Later_

She'd been on her feet for at least 14 hours just in surgery, and her lower back and feet were killing her. It didn't make her feel better that she'd had to get the scrub pants with an elastic waistband that morning from the weight she'd been gaining.

She checked over her post-op instructions and found a nearby on-call room, far too tired and sore to even think about making the drive to the Archfield, her temporary home. She climbed into the empty bed after discarding her shoes and pulled the covers up close around her, laying on her side with her back to the door as she quickly fell asleep.

Unbeknownst to Meredith, Derek watched from the office behind the nurses' station as she dragged herself into the on-call room. He'd tried to not pay so much attention to her, but he couldn't help it. He had this nagging feeling, like he was missing something. She was still avoiding him, and when their eyes would occasionally meet it was almost as though she had something more to say, but she'd drop her gaze in almost an instant before he could read more into it.

He watched her speaking with Mark every now and again, but never caught on to their topic of conversation. Mark had never told him about her before and had no clue that they even knew each other before now, but it was obvious that they were close. It had been the same with Cristina. Like they were long lost friends, and now they were inseparable.

There was so much about her that he didn't know. Part of him was still hung up over the fact that she was married and hadn't told him. Did that make him as bad as Mark? Maybe not, he didn't know she was married when they met. But did that make her as bad as Addison?

And then there was the all too obvious pregnancy symptoms he'd noticed. She probably didn't think anyone noticed, but he did. Ever since she'd thrown up in the waste bin at the nurses' station, he couldn't help but notice. He couldn't help but wonder if she was pregnant with his child.

Handing the chart he had been working on to the nurse, he built up the nerve to go and speak to her. He went over to the on-call room she'd slipped into twenty minutes prior, quietly opening the door and hearing her soft snores coming from the bed. He closed the door gently behind him, but obviously not quietly enough as she jolted awake. She turned with a soft groan and mumbled, "Trying to sleep, here."

"I'm sorry," he spoke quietly, "I was wondering if we could talk but I'll let you sleep."

As she heard his voice, realising Derek was in the room with her, she was confused a moment before speaking in a quiet voice, "Stay."

"Are you okay?" He asked her, his voice laced with concern as she groaned again at the pain in her back, trying to get more comfortable in the bed, facing him now.

She paused a moment before responding, "My lower back, it hurts."

"Can I help?" He asked, moving closer to the bed.

She nodded, "Please, if you don't mind." She shuffled back on the bed to make more room for him as he took off his shoes and climbed into the bed with her.

His arms moved around her, and his fingers pressed gently in massaging motions against the muscles around her lower spine, "Does this help?"

A soft moan of relief escaped her lips at the pressure he applied to her back muscles, she nodded and buried her face against his shoulder, "So much."

They lay in silence, his fingers still massaging against her back muscles as he tried to ease her pain. She knew this was wrong of her to do, but she was too tired to argue. She knew they needed to talk. Maybe now was the time for them to talk. She was approaching the eighth week of her pregnancy and he had every right to know, whether he hated her or not. At least that's what Mark kept reminding her.

She spoke in a soft whisper, breaking the silence between them, "You wanted to talk?"

He looked down at her, only the light from the car park flood lights illuminating the room, "We don't have to if you're tired, Meredith."

"No, we should, we should talk," she admitted in a quiet voice, "Sometimes I feel like I've known you forever, you know? And then I realise I barely know anything about you."

He laughed quietly, "I feel the same way," he smiled softly as he pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to tell you, I was waiting..." she took a breath before continuing, "I was waiting for divorce papers, which were sent, and then he refused to sign them, so I didn't know what to do," her voice went quieter at the end.

"Can I ask why?"

"It's complicated, I guess, he did cheat on me, but then technically I cheated on him too, after. I can't tell you more, I can't..." she could hear her own voice breaking as the tears welled up in her eyes, and she closed them to avoid any overspill and to gather herself.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead and spoke in a quiet voice, "it's okay, you don't have to. It's okay," his fingers ran through her hair.

"And then there's another thing, that only Mark and Cristina know, and please don't tell anyone else," she looked up at him with pleading eyes.

He kept his eyes on her and nodded, "Tell me."

"I'm pregnant, but it's not his baby, Derek. It can't be his, there's only one person whose baby it can be," she looked up at him again. His eyes widened slightly in realisation as she took his hand in hers, laying it flat against her abdomen, she spoke in an almost whisper, "There's no actual bump or anything yet..."

"Oh," he breathed out, leaving his hand against her abdomen even though her hand had dropped from his. He decided in that moment, there was definitely a difference between suspecting something to be true and knowing it was true.

They shifted slightly, Meredith moving so that she was now lay on her back with his arm under her head. His hand lay flat against her abdomen, his fingertips brushing against her skin in small movements. His head rested on the pillow beside her, watching her as her eyes closed and she spoke in a quiet voice still, "I need to stop living in a hotel and find somewhere to actually live."

He raised an eyebrow, "You're still staying at the Archfield? You've been here for over two months now."

She turned her face to look at him and laughed a little, "I may be avoiding moving into my mother's house."

"I see. Well, if you need any help with that, I'm happy to," he gave her a small grin, his eyes on hers.

"You don't have to…" she started to say.

His finger moved to press gently against her lips, "Shh. I'm here to help you with anything," his hand returned to her abdomen, "I'm here to look after you, and our child."

She raised an eyebrow but didn't comment, somewhat changing the subject, "Would you still have spoken to me again if I wasn't pregnant with your child?"

"That's a silly question," he furrowed his brow, "I came in here to speak to you before I even knew for sure. I told you, Meredith. I'm your friend. Friends have arguments, you know. But I'll be here for you when you need me, regardless."

She watched him a moment before releasing a soft sigh, "I haven't had friends for a long time, and now I have three. I'm sorry, I'm so tired."

"Again, with the apologies," he gave her a small laugh before continuing, "Do you want to stay here, or do you want me to take you back to the hotel?"

"As uncomfortable as these beds are, I'm far too tired to walk, and there will be definitely be talk if you carry me out," she muttered quietly as she could feel her body being dragged back into sleep, a quiet laugh escaping her lips.

Derek laughed softly as she settled against him, "Go to sleep, I'll keep you comfortable." It didn't take long for her to fall asleep, and he let himself fall asleep there too.

* * *

The following weekend, Meredith finally checked out of the Archfield, her suitcases packed into her car. She'd finally made the decision to just move into her mother's old house, even if just for the time being. She paid the final bill for her stay before heading to her car and making the drive to the house.

She opened the door the old house, the door pushing aside mail that had started to build up since she was here to pick it up last weekend. She bent down to pick it up and placed it in a pile on the side table in the hall, a mental note made to sort through it all.

There was a definite mustiness to the house, proving it definitely hadn't been lived in for a long time. White sheets covered various pieces off leftover furniture, so she went round and began pulling them off. She'd spoken to the utilities and was glad they were able to get them turned on in time for her moving in.

The house hadn't been lived in for around five months, so it wasn't as in bad a state as it would have been if she'd waited years to come back. It definitely needed an update, it looked like her mother hadn't bothered to redecorate in at least ten years. She went out to the car and brought her suitcases inside before she was too tired to do it later and took them up to the main bedroom.

She was definitely going to have to go out shopping soon enough, but she had far too much to do today to get that done. She could probably order it all online anyway. Her day was to be spent dusting, and cleaning and finishing it all off with take-out.

As she sat on the couch, takeaway eaten and surgery tapes of her mother's playing on the tv in front of her, her phone started ringing. She picked it up off the couch beside her, seeing Derek's name on the screen, _"Hey, what's up?"_

" _Just calling to check everything went okay today."_

She laughed softly and rolled her eyes _, "I moved two suitcases, cleaned through the house, and wrote out a list of things I'm going to need to buy."_

" _Have you had dinner?"_

" _Yeah I just ordered in, going to the grocery store feels like a lot of effort right now."_

" _I just got out of the hospital; I can go if you want?"_

She thought for a moment, she was back in the hospital the next couple days and probably wouldn't get the chance to go herself _. "Are you sure?"_

" _I'm sure, Meredith. It's the least I could do. Send me your list and the address and I'll bring them_ _over."_

" _Okay, I'll send it over now. I'll try not to fall asleep."_

" _I'll see you in an hour or so,"_ he said before ending the call.

Meredith climbed off the couch, pushing aside the blanket previously covering her and picked up her trash from the takeout, taking it into the kitchen where she'd left the grocery list and throwing it out. She took a picture of the list and send it to Derek's number along with her address.

After showering and changing into clean pyjamas, she put a load of laundry on and situated herself back on the couch under her blanket. She turned off the surgery tapes and switched over to the news channel, if not to just have something playing in the background.

She half-lay on the couch, propping her laptop up on her knees with the blanket underneath. She began browsing online for various pieces of furniture and housewares she knew she was going to need. It wasn't long before she was distracted by things she didn't need, but definitely wanted, and these all got added to various wish lists.

After placing an order for bedding, a knock on the door took her attention. She climbed off the couch with the blanket draped around her and set the laptop on the low table in front of the couch. She went to the hall and smiled through the glass door at Derek who stood there with grocery bags. She opened the door for him, "Hey, thanks for this."

He greeted her with a kiss to her forehead, his hands full with the bags, "It's my pleasure. Kitchen?"

"Oh yeah," she closed the door behind him and led him through, "Just this way. Put them on the island, I'll sort them."

He put the bags down but started taking things out, and she moved over to help him, depositing the blanket on the kitchen table. He spoke as she directed him to various cupboards, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, just really tired," she gave him a small smile as they put the last few things away, "How was your day?"

He moved over to the kitchen table, picking up the blanket she'd put down there, "Things have been relatively quiet, really." He held out the blanket for her and she laughed softly, moving over to him and he wrapped it around her again, keeping his arms around her as well, "You should get some sleep."

She leaned into his hold, "Aren't you back in the hospital first thing in the morning?"

"Yeah, I'm in early," he said as he rested his chin on top of her head.

She didn't know if she was going to regret this later, but she went for it anyway, "You can stay if it's easier," she said in a small voice, looking up at him.

Derek sighed softly, pulling back from his hold around her, "I don't think that's a good idea, Meredith."

"You're right, I'm sorry," her gaze dropped to the floor a moment as they stood there in silence. She looked up and gave him a small smile, heading out into the hallway, "I'll bring the cash for the groceries tomorrow."

Derek shook his head, following her, "No need, don't worry about it." He moved over to the door, turning to her a moment, "Meredith, I want to be with you. I want to be in this with you."

Her eyes locked with his and her mind raced at his words. It was one thing thinking that somebody wanted you, but actually hearing it was a whole other story. She shook her head and spoke quietly, "You don't want me."

Derek shook his head and moved closer to her, he cupped her cheek with his hand and gently touched his forehead to hers, speaking in a soft whisper, "I want you. When you're ready, I'll be here for you."

Meredith's breath caught in her throat at his proximity, her hand unconsciously moved and gripped at the front of his shirt as her eyes closed. They stood there like that for a moment.

And then he was gone.

* * *

_Meredith,_

_I got an interesting email from Richard Webber today. Apparently, he has a great job opportunity for me, working under Mark Sloan at Seattle Grace. Apparently, that's where you work now. I'd prefer if you didn't leave me blind-sighted. I guess I will be making the trip to Seattle to see you._

_Your_ _**husband,  
** _ _Finn._

Meredith read the email with her heart hammering in her chest. It was dated two weeks ago. Something had made her go through his emails he'd been sending to her that she'd filtered out. There were subsequent emails trying to get her to speak to him before he arrived in Seattle on… she checked the date on the email, comparing it with today's date. _Tomorrow._ She was supposed to be in various surgeries all day tomorrow. She couldn't hide away at home, Richard must know he's on his way, considering he was the one who offered Finn the job.

She stood up from the desk, closed her laptop and picked up her phone. She sent a quick message to Cristina as she left the office ready to head home _. He's coming here tomorrow. Apparently, Richard has offered him a job._ As she pressed send, she stepped on to the elevator, not paying attention to her surroundings. A hand on her shoulder made her jump with a soft gasp.

"What's got you on edge?" She turned as she registered Derek's voice, her eyes slightly wide as he looked at her, half-amused but half-concerned.

"Oh no, nothing, just didn't see you there," she gave him a weak smile before her attention was drawn again to then phone in her hand when it buzzed with a new message from Cristina.

_Crap, I'm flying out to that conference tonight. Richard will be on my ass if I miss it. Maybe you could come with me?_

She typed out a quick reply, feeling Derek's eyes on her as the elevator descended, _I'm scheduled in for surgery all day, and I don't think Richard will let me leave. I don't think he knows still. I'll speak to Mark and keep you updated._

Meredith looked to Derek, "Have you seen Mark anywhere?"

Derek, still not speaking with Mark and unsure as to why Meredith seemed so close with him still, shook his head, "Nowhere I've noticed."

Meredith swore she saw a flash of jealousy in Derek's eyes as he spoke but she ignored it, dealing with his jealous ego and jealousy of Mark's friendship with her would have to wait, she sighed and stepped off the elevator as it reached her desired floor, dialling Mark's number and holding the phone to her ear.

" _Grey, what's up?"_

" _Did you know?"_

" _Did I know what?"_

" _He's coming tomorrow. Richard invited him to come, to work here, under you."_

" _I knew I should've opened that email from Richard last night… no I didn't know. He'd said something about prospective hires but nothing concrete."_

" _I can't even find an excuse to get away, I'm going to be in surgeries all day. Can you manage to not punch him out and keep him away?"_

" _Maybe to the first thing, definitely to the latter."_

" _Thanks, I'm going to head home now, I'll be in at seven in the morning."_

Meredith ended the call and shoved the phone back in her pocket, making her way out to her car to head home. Tomorrow was definitely going to be a long day.

* * *

She couldn't sleep that night. Her mind was racing with thoughts, possible scenarios, what ifs. There were multiple times she almost called Derek, wanting to tell him everything and convince him to hideaway with her. She then moved on to looking up flights that were leaving that morning. She then resorted to going to the hospital and hiding in her office at around 4am.

At around 6am, she made her way to the pre-op surgery floor, collecting patient charts from the nurses' station where her residents and their interns were waiting for her. She put on her game face and expelled all other thoughts and worries while she saw to each of her patients for the day whilst simultaneously teaching the residents.

After seeing the final patient, it was almost time for her to get scrubbed in for her first surgery of the day. As she stood at the nurses' station, going over the patient's chart, Derek approached her, juice bottle in hand.

She looked up at him as he placed the bottle on the desk beside her with a grin, "Drink up. I saw you're in surgery all day, and I know you don't normally eat breakfast, so this should keep you going until lunch."

She raised an eyebrow at him as he spoke, "How do you know I don't normally eat breakfast?" She asked as she picked up the juice and took a small sip, handing the chart back to the nurse.

He walked side by side with her as she made her way to the OR board to check over her schedule one more time, "I'm very observant, I think I've seen you eat actual breakfast food maybe, once," he said with a shrug.

"The concept of a type food only being assigned to the morning baffles me," she gave him a pointed look as she spoke, "I have surgery now," she said as she finished the bottle of juice.

He laughed softly as he watched her, "I'll try and meet you for lunch, okay?"

She gave him a smile and nodded, "I'll try, too," she said before heading to the OR.

* * *

She was in the zone. The OR was her safe place and she didn't have to worry about anything or anyone. She finished the final suture on the patient's abdomen, giving post op instructions to her resident before heading to scrub out.

She checked her phone as she left the scrub room, finding a message from Derek to let her know he'd been pulled into an emergency surgery, but to make sure she ate something.

As she passed the OR board, Dr Bailey was waiting by the OR board for her as she walked by, "Dr Grey!"

She stopped to talk to the woman, "Bailey, what's up?"

"Webber asked me to tell you, he's cleared your surgeries for the rest of the afternoon and to go see him in his office," Bailey told her, "Don't know when I turned into a messenger but," she shrugged.

"Oh right, thanks Bailey," she gave her a small smile before sending a quick message to Mark. _Why does Richard want me in his office?_

She made her way to the nearby vending machine and got herself a granola bar while she waited for Mark's response. As she ate the granola bar, leaning against the wall, her phone buzzed with his response.

_I'm here now. He cleared your schedule to spend time with Finn._

This was definitely something she hadn't anticipated. She replied to Mark to let him know she was on her way and started off in the direction of Richard's office. She took a moment to compose herself before walking into the office.

"Meredith! Glad you could get here so quickly," Richard greeted her.

Her gaze shifted as she saw Finn stand from the chair he had been sat in and approach her, his arms wrapping around her with a hug that was just a bit too tight, "I missed you, baby."

She gave him a tight smile but didn't miss the look in his eyes, a look she knew all too well, "I missed you too."

"Meredith, as I'm sure Dr Bailey already mentioned, I've cleared your schedule for the rest of the day so you two can catch up," Richard said with a grin, pleased with himself for reuniting the pair.

Mark spoke up now to divert the attention in the room, "Let's all go to lunch!"

Finn spoke then, having slipped his hand into hers with a tight grip, "Sounds good to me. Lead the way."

They all left the office to make their way to the cafeteria, but Finn held Meredith back a moment with promises to Richard to catch up in a moment, wanting to have a proper greeting with Meredith in private.

At his words, Meredith's eyes found Mark's, and he gave her a single nod as though to tell her that he wouldn't be far. Richard, blissfully unaware, left with Mark, promises of meeting them in the cafeteria.

Finn took Meredith into a nearby on-call room, almost pushing her inside, and locked the door behind them. She moved as far across the small space as she could, away from him.

"So," he started, not a hint of pleasantness in his tone, "You got a new job?"

She spoke in a soft voice, not meeting his gaze, "Richard offered me the fellowship." She wasn't about to expose to him now how she'd be planning the move for months.

"I'm not signing the papers, Meredith. We are not getting divorced," he said bluntly, his eyes fixed on her, "You honestly think people would believe you if you told them? Really?" He moved closer until he was stood in front of her and he lifted her chin so that she was looking at him.

She could feel her heart beating faster in her chest as a wave of nausea took over her, she clamped her lips together in an effort to stave off her intense need to vomit. His hands moved to unfasten her hair from the pinned-up plaits she had in place for surgery and he ran his fingers through her hair until it fell in loose waves on her shoulders. Her voice broke as she spoke, "Yes, yes I think they would."

He let out a laugh, his face too close to hers for her liking, "And what makes you think that?" Her breath caught in her throat as he spoke, and she realised she couldn't say anything in response to him without exposing Mark and Cristina's knowledge of the situation. He pressed his lips against hers in a rough manner, but she didn't move.

The sound of Finn's phone ringing was a saving grace as he pulled back from her and as he turned to answer it. Meredith let out a breath, her hand moving to her forehead. She needed to get out of that room. She ignored his conversation with whoever he was speaking to, taking deep breaths and felt thankful when the nausea passed.

She leant back against the wall, waiting for Finn to finish the hushed conversation with whoever was on the other end of the phone. She looked up at him when he ended the call and spoke in a quiet voice, "Who was that?"

"None of your concern, Meredith," he looked back at her, his eyes studying her carefully, "You look pale. Have you eaten today?"

She shook her head as he took her hand in his, leading her out of the on-call room again. He pulled her close to him as they walked in the direction of the cafeteria, and he spoke in a low tone, "Play nice now and maybe it won't be so bad later."

She gave a small nod and fought the urge to place her hand over her abdomen feeling overly protective of the life growing inside of her. He couldn't find out she was pregnant. She also needed to find a way to not be alone with him, she didn't take his threats lightly.

Once they reached the cafeteria, they located the table where Mark and Richard were sat, and he left her sitting with them while he went to get food for them both. She sat quietly, only speaking to answer Richard's questions about her earlier surgeries.

At one point, when he was sure Finn's back was turned, Mark's hand touched against her forearm that was resting on the table, giving it a reassuring squeeze before he pulled away just as quickly as Finn turned to walk back to them. He sat in the chair between Mark and Meredith, his arm draped over the back of Meredith's chair as he made conversation while they ate. He'd brought her over a chicken sandwich that she was sure was going to trigger the sickness again around half an hour after she'd eaten it, she'd had the same sandwich last week and made a mental note to not eat that one again.

She simply picked at the sandwich, only taking small bites until he leaned close to her, talking quietly by her ear so that the others couldn't hear, "Eat it, Meredith." He left a kiss on her cheek before returning to his conversation with Richard over recent research from the field of Plastic Surgery, Mark weighing in every now and again.

Knowing she wouldn't be able to get away with avoiding it, she started taking larger bites of the sandwich. She could feel the nausea rolling in her stomach already when a resident came up to them, and she didn't miss the charming smile Finn offered them.

"Dr Grey, sorry to disturb, can I borrow you a moment for a patient?"

She looked up a moment, her eyes darting to Finn who gave a small nod of his approval for her to go with the resident. She put the sandwich down and stood from her chair, excusing herself from the table before following the resident to a quiet corner of the room, "How can I help, Dr Wilson?"

The doctor passed Meredith a patient chart which she looked over as the resident explained the symptoms of a post-op fever that had arisen in the patient. She gave the resident specific instructions and passed back the chart, "Page Dr Bailey if the symptoms don't improve in the next four hours."

The resident nodded in confirmation before leaving her alone. She could feel Finn's watch on her, and she took a deep breath before turning and returning to her seat at the table, at which point Finn rested his hand on her thigh with a squeeze that she tried not to wince at.

It took her a moment to realise their conversation had turned to one about her, only registering when she heard Finn speak, "I'm so proud of her, Richard." As he leaned over to press a kiss to her temple, she gave a tight-lipped smile as Richard watched them together before standing from his seat.

"Right, I have to get back. Think about what I've said Dr Dandridge, we'd love to have you here," Richard said before making his exit, leaving Meredith sat between Mark and Finn.

As Meredith focused on not letting the nausea take over, she barely processed a word in the conversation between Mark and Finn. As if by luck, Finn's phone started ringing and he checked the caller ID, "I have to take this, I'll be right back."

As soon as Finn was out of earshot Mark looked to Meredith, "You really need to vomit, don't you?" Meredith nodded, "Go, I'll cover."

Meredith nodded again, unable to speak and left the cafeteria by the door opposite to where Finn had left the room, going into the nearest toilet to vomit, again.

In her rush, she didn't realise Derek was approaching the cafeteria when she left and ran went into the bathroom. He followed her into the stall and held her hair back, talking quietly as she tensed up, "It's just me, I'm here." His hand gently rubbed her back as he felt the tension fall away from her muscles and she leaned into him, her head on his shoulder.

"I tried to eat..." she said in a quiet voice, "I have to go back, crap."

"What's wrong? Take a minute," he kept his hold on her a moment before she pulled back, "Are you going to be okay to stay?"

"Richard already cleared my schedule," she said with a sigh, "I need to go," she left the stall and went to splash her face with water, rinsing out her mouth.

"I feel like I'm missing something here," Derek said as he watched her.

"Richard flew him out here," she said, leaning back against the sink, "Offered him a job."

"But the divorce?" Derek raised an eyebrow at her.

"Richard doesn't know," she said, looking at the floor, "He won't sign the papers, anyway. This will be better for everyone if I just take it back. I have to go."

As she turned to leave Derek reached and gently grabbed her arm, "Meredith, please, can we talk."

She looked up at him with a soft sigh, her eyes starting to water, "I can't do this, Derek, it's too much."

"And the baby?" He asked in a low voice.

"I don't know," she avoided his gaze as she felt the tears spill over down her cheeks and his hand dropped from her arm. She wiped the tears from under her eyes and looked up at him, "The last thing I want is to lose this baby, but it isn't about what I want," at her words, he stepped forward and pressed his lips to hers.

At the touch of his lips against hers, his arms wrapped around her and held her close to him, and she returned the kiss as her fingers tangled into his hair. She pulled her lips back to catch her breath after a moment and spoke in a soft whisper, "Can you do me favour?"

"Anything, Meredith," he said, his forehead gently pressed to hers as he pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Send me the location of your land, where your trailer is, and speak to Mark," she said and pressed another kiss to his lips before pulling back. She looked in the mirror a moment, running her fingers through her hair and wiping at her eyes one more time. She left Derek there and pulled her phone out of her pocket, sending a quick message to Mark. _Tell Derek._

She went back into the cafeteria noticing Mark had already left, and Finn stood up as she approached, looking annoyed at something, "Come on, we're leaving."

She was too tired to come up with anything and frankly, she'd almost given up at this point. "I just need to get things from my office," she spoke in a quiet voice, and his arm went around her as they walked, her lips still tingling from her kiss with Derek.

She walked with him to the office she shared with Cristina, she released his hand to unlock the door and open it for them. "You've been keeping secrets from me," he commented as he read the names next to the door.

She stayed quiet as she walked inside the office, not missing it when he closed the door behind them. She picked her bag up from underneath the desk, setting it on top of the desk as she emptied the pockets of her lab coat inside. She pulled the coat off and hung it up in place of her coat, putting that on. As she did this, she kept an eye on Finn as he looked around the room.

He looked over at her as she put the bag on her shoulder, "Where are you living then?"

"I'm staying at my mother's house," she looked back at him, "Where are you staying?"

He gave a hollow laugh as he moved closer to her, "I assumed I'd be staying with my wife," his hands took hold of her forearms, pulling her close to him, "I also assume you have a car here? I don't know, apparently, I don't know you anymore. You're a different person. I'm not sure if I like it."

"I'm trying to be more independent," she said in a quiet voice, looking up at him.

"You don't need to be independent, Meredith," one hand moved to cup her cheek as he continued to speak, "You don't even have to work, I don't know why you do it."

"I want to work, I enjoy work," she looked down as his hand touched her face, "It's mainly just research at this point anyway."

"Fine, but you know," his arms moved around her waist, "When we have children, you'll be best staying home."

"Let's not talk about this right now," she gave him a small smile, "We're not even there yet."

His lips touched against her cheek and he whispered softly, "maybe we can really start trying now."

She pulled away from him and took a deep breath before she started speaking, "I'm staying in Seattle, Finn. I'm not going back to Boston."

"Meredith, how many times do I have to tell you? I can't live without you," Finn's voice started to raise in volume as he spoke.

Something inside her snapped as she heard him speak as though he were a broken record, "Well I can! I can happily live without you!"

Taking advantage of Finn's moment of shock, she left the room and took the stairs down to the main entrance of the hospital. As she approached the main doors, her face fell, and she was frozen to the spot. She stared at the red-headed woman stood in front of her and just about heard Finn calling after her.

She felt his hand on her shoulder and she spoke in a cold tone, "What is _she_ doing here?"

Finn then realised who was stood in front of them, watching the interaction between the two. His hand dropped from her shoulder and she turned to face him, a rush of confidence bursting through her, "I'm done, Finn. Find someone else to push around the place and play the perfect trophy wife," she gestured to the red-head she still didn't know, and didn't care to know, the name of, "She looks _fucking_ perfect for it!"

She didn't stick around to hear what they had to say. She didn't stick around to register the looks from everyone who had heard. She walked straight past the red-head and out to the parking lot, not stopping until she reached her car and leant against it to catch her breath, letting the tears fall.

She reached her hand into her bag, grabbing her phone and dialling Derek's number. She climbed inside the car while she waited for him to answer the phone. When it went to voicemail, she decided against leaving a message and hung up the phone. She took a moment to register that Finn hadn't even come after her before starting the car and driving back home.

She didn't stay home long. She went to the bedroom and packed an overnight bag, ignoring the hunger in her stomach. As she left the house, she locked the door behind her and got back in the car, checking the messages on her phone to pull up the address that Derek had sent her earlier. She wondered briefly if he had spoken with Mark yet. She set the sat nav up and started on her journey.

An hour and a ferry ride later, she arrived at his land, a small laugh escaping her lips as she saw his silver trailer sat on the expanse of land. She got out the car, wrapping her arms around herself. Derek wasn't wrong. The view was beautiful. She'd spent too much time in cities and didn't think places like this were so close. She grabbed her phone from her bag before locking up the car and starting to walk towards the cliff edge in the clearing of trees up ahead. She didn't think the view could get better, but it did. She felt like she could finally breathe clearly again.

She sat down in the grass with legs crossed as she looked out at the view. She took her phone out of her pocket to take a picture of the view, sending it over to Derek. Five minutes later, the phone started ringing in her hand. She answered it, _"Hey."_

" _What are you doing?"_ She heard Derek's voice on the other hand.

" _Hiding."_

" _You're hiding on my land?"_

" _As long as you don't tell anyone, yes I'm hiding on your land."_

" _Okay, I won't tell anyone. I spoke to Mark earlier, like you asked."_ When she didn't say anything he spoke again, _"I'm on my way, I'll bring food. There's a key under the mat, don't stay outside if it gets cold."_

" _Okay, thank you. Oh, and no chicken."_

" _I'll make sure of it. I'll see you soon."_

By the time Derek arrived, Meredith had found her way into the trailer and had fallen asleep on the bed. He put the take-out bag on the table and took his shoes and coat off before climbing on to the bed beside her. He watched her sleeping a moment before his hand brushed her hair out of her face and he pressed a kiss to her forehead, speaking quietly, "Wake up, Meredith."

She roused slightly, her eyes opening to look up at him as she murmured softly, "You have food?"

He laughed softly and nodded, "Yes, I have food."

At this, she started to wake up a little more and sat up with a yawn, her hand covering her mouth as she did so. Derek moved back off the couch and over to where he'd left the food and she followed him over, sitting down at the table. He grabbed utensils for them, taking the boxes out of the bag as he sat across from her. He took the lids off after passing her a fork, "I just grabbed a few different types of pasta for us to share. No chicken."

She gave him a smile and nodded, piercing a few pieces of cheese-covered pasta onto her fork, "It looks and smells good, thanks."

"Are you going to expand on your whole hiding situation?" He asked, taking a few bites himself.

She laughed a little and took a few more bites before answering him, "I just need to not be found, and this was the first place I thought of."

"That's fair enough," he shrugged, "Hiding does sound pretty good right now."

"What are you wanting to hide from?" She asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I think Richard is trying to play matchmaker you know, my ex-wife turned up at the hospital," he shook his head in disbelief, "I didn't speak with her, just saw her standing in Richard's office with another guy I haven't seen before."

She looked up at him, a curious look on her face as she processed what he said, "This is going to sound really, really strange, but what does she look like?"

"That does sound really strange," he said with a small laugh, "Why do you ask?"

She shrugged, "It's fine, it's nothing, I just had this weird feeling."

They continued to eat in silence until both had eaten enough. Meredith stood up and started to put the lids back on the pasta boxes when Derek stopped her, "I'll do it, it's okay."

He stood up and gathered the boxes, putting their used forks in the sink. Meredith stood back and watched him, a look of confusion on her face as she did. He turned to her after putting the boxes in the fridge, noting the expression on her face, "What's wrong?"

"You don't let me do things, actually no it's not that, you don't _expect_ me to do things," she observed as he moved closer to her.

His hands rested on her waist as he spoke, "You're doing enough, I know this sounds cliché or whatever, but you are growing my child, _our child_ ," his hands moved around her waist and held her close to him, her head resting on his shoulder.

She laughed softly at his words, "That is very cliché, you're right," she pulled away after a moment and went to sit on the bed, her legs crossed, "So, you spoke to Mark?"

He nodded, staying where he was stood as he looked over at her, "I did."

"And you're still talking to me," she said, watching him.

He raised an eyebrow and moved to sit on the end of the bed in front of her, "Yes, I'm still talking to you."

She lay back on the bed, her hands resting on her abdomen as she spoke, "I still don't know what I'm going to do."

He moved to lay beside her and spoke quietly, "You don't have to stay with him."

She turned her head to look at him, her brow furrowed as she spoke, "She turned up at the hospital as I was leaving. I told him I was staying in Seattle, that I could live without him. I left the room and she was walking through the main entrance. That's when I left, well I yelled at him, and then I left." She turned her head to look back up at the roof of the trailer, "These past two months, I've changed. I can be independent; I can be my own person. I can live my day to day life and not worry about what will happen when I go home."

"You don't have to live like that," he lay on his side as he watched her, his hand supporting his head.

She was quiet a moment before turning to look at him again, "I feel safe with you, but I don't think I can be with you."

"That's okay," he gave her a small smile, "Just please don't stay with him," before she could say anything he spoke again, "Don't do it for me, do it for your baby."

"Our baby," she said in a quiet voice, her hand pushing up her top a little before laying on the slight bump on her abdomen, "Our baby."

His hand reached over to rest on top of hers, "Mhm, our baby. And I'll be here, even if just as a friend, I'm not going anywhere."

"I'll speak to Richard tomorrow. I should've told him sooner. Mark said I should've told him, and I didn't and now he's here."

"Can I ask, how do you know Mark?"

She let out a small laugh, "Mark Sloan. I met him through Finn, actually, when I was in med school. We started getting close, as friends. Now that I think of it, I think he did mention you. Said your Mom practically took him in, you're that friend, right? Practically his brother?"

Derek laughed and nodded with a small grin, "That would be me, yes."

"Maybe I know more about you than I previously realised. Well, we bonded over absent parents. But then Finn got jealous and I wasn't allowed to speak to him again. When he turned up looking for you, he told me what he'd done. If you hadn't walked up to us when you did, I was going to tell him what for," she said with a laugh, turning on to her side towards him.

"Oh yeah?" He returned her laugh, "I appreciate the thought."

"He feels bad, for not stepping in when he saw the signs. He used to go to the same work events that Finn dragged me to but never said a word. At the time, I was grateful that he didn't speak to me," she sighed softly as their eyes met, "You should go easy on him."

"He does seem to be redeeming himself," Derek mused, "I guess seeing her here, makes it harder."

"I know, and we can hide for one night. We can deal with the rest of it tomorrow," she moved closer to him, "We can hide tonight."

"Yes, we can hide tonight," he laughed softly, "Do you need something to wear for bed?"

She shook her head, "I brought a bag with me, it's still in my car."

He got up off the bed and grabbed her a clean towel, passing it to her, "Here, get a shower and I'll grab the bag."

She took the towel from him and nodded, "Okay."

* * *

They made their way separately to the hospital that morning but arrived within minutes of each other having taken the same ferry boat ride over. She grabbed her bag as she got out of the car and walked beside him as they went into the hospital.

"I've always stayed in my car when I took the ferry," she smiled, "well, the one time I took the ferry, last night, I stayed in the car."

He laughed softly, "I have a thing for ferry boats, you know."

"Oh, I could tell," she laughed in response, "I enjoyed the view."

"Do you want me to come with you?" He offered as they walked through the front doors, the time just passing 8am.

She shook her head, "No, it's okay. I need to do this."

"Okay, I'll see you in a bit then," he gave her a small wave as they parted ways, he headed off to start round son his patients, and she headed to Richard's office.

When she arrived, he was already sat at his desk on his own. She knocked on the open door and he waved her in. She shut the door behind her, taking a deep breath.

"Richard, I need to talk to you about something," she looked at him and moved to sit in the chair opposite him.

He looked at her with concern, "What's wrong, Meredith?"

"I served Finn with divorce papers over a month ago, Richard," she said in one breath, "When I came here, I was running from him. And I know he's a better surgeon, and he's more experienced, and he'll probably bring in more revenue if you hire him, but if he stays, I have to leave."

"Meredith, what do you mean? Why were you running..." he trailed off as he started to piece things together in his mind, "The head injury wasn't an accident, was it?"

Meredith shook her head and spoke in a quiet voice, "No, it wasn't. And it wasn't the first time, either."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked her, his brow furrowed.

"I guess I just hoped he'd sign the papers and then I could just tell you we divorced and it would be easy," she took a deep breath, "and then he refused to sign them, and then he showed up yesterday."

"Okay, well first of all, you're not going anywhere, Meredith. You're an excellent surgeon, and an excellent teacher. I'm not losing your natural talent to another hospital," he started, and then stood from his desk, "He's coming here for a meeting at 9am, and I'll rescind the offer. He doesn't need to know why."

"There's something else, something he doesn't know," Meredith took another deep breath, she wasn't going to talk about this until it had been another month, but she figured it was best for Richard to know. "I know this technically makes me an adulterer, and it would be childish to point out he was already having an affair, but my first night here I got drunk, and I met someone, and what I'm trying to say, is that I'm pregnant. And it's definitely not Finn's."

"Have you got a lawyer?"

She nodded, "I've already spoken to them. They have paperwork ready but, I don't think he'll sign his rights away if he found out, he's not even signing the divorce papers at this point."

"Okay, we'll deal with that if and when we have to," Richard stood up from his desk, "Come here." She stood up and moved over as he hugged her close. As soon as she felt his fatherly embrace, she started crying. His hand rubbed up and down her back in gentle motions, "You're not alone, Meredith."

They stood there a moment before a knock on the door got their attention. Meredith stepped back and wiped at her eyes, turning to face away from the door as she composed herself and Richard called for the visitor to enter, "Good morning, Addison!"

The name piqued Meredith's interest as she heard the woman speak, "Oh sorry, I'll come back."

She barely heard Richard speak, saying it was okay and that he wanted to introduce them, as she turned to look at the woman. The _red-headed woman._ She couldn't help herself, for some reason she burst out laughing. The thought had crossed her mind the previous day when she was eating dinner with Derek, but she never thought she'd be right. Richard gave her a confused look as Meredith held a hand over her mouth, "Meredith, what on earth...?"

Meredith wiped at her eyes again and took a few deep breaths to calm herself before speaking, "I just, I didn't realise... Mark is going to love this. Richard, this is the woman who was screwing my husband." She looked over at Addison again who was stood there, speechless, "I've got rounds to do, I'll catch up with you this afternoon, Richard."

"I'll make sure he's gone by 10am, Meredith," Richard told her, and she nodded in acknowledgement before leaving the room, laughing to herself again.

She went and dropped her bag off in her office, grabbing her lab coat and clipping her pager to the waistband of her jeans before going off in search of either Derek or Mark, whoever she found first.

The first she saw was Mark, stood by the coffee cart. She walked up beside him, grinning as she spoke, "I feel like there's something you should've told me, but you haven't told me, or maybe you don't know."

Mark looked at her confused as he took a drink of his coffee, "I feel like I'm missing something."

She laughed softly and took the muffin out of his hand, picking a piece off it to eat before continuing, "I met Addison just now."

"Oh yeah, she showed up yesterday," Mark shrugged, "Wouldn't say where she's been but it doesn't bother me. I've realised my friendship with Derek is definitely more important. I've moved on to new horizons."

She laughed again at his words and rolled her eyes, "New horizons isn't quite what I'd call the nurses. And save the speech for him, Mark. That's not why I'm telling you. I like knowing something that you don't know." He eyed her suspiciously as Derek approached them, "And he definitely doesn't know," she gestured towards him.

"Derek doesn't know what?" He asked, as equally confused as Mark, "Did you speak to Richard?"

She nodded, answering his second question first, "Yes and it's getting sorted," she turned to Mark to catch him up, "I told Richard. He's withdrawing the job offer. Anyway, this serious talk is ruining my mood and I have to get to rounds," she shrugged and started to walk away from them, Mark's blueberry muffin still in her hand.

"Aren't you going to tell us what's got you in such a weird mood?" Mark called after her.

She turned a moment to reply, looking over at Derek, "Your ex-wife has been banging my soon to be ex-husband!"


	5. Regret

_Regret._ To feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that one has done or failed to do) (verb). A feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over an occurrence or something that one has done or failed to do (noun). Meredith had a lot of regret, thought a lot about what ifs in her life. But regret never saved anyone's life.

* * *

Mark and Derek looked at each other, eyes-slightly wide from Meredith's revelation. Derek spoke first, "Did you know?"

"No!" Mark exclaimed right away, "When you sent her the divorce papers she disappeared, no note, wouldn't answer the phone. I didn't even know they knew each other," he said with a shrug.

Derek's pager went off and he checked it quickly, looking confused, "Richard is paging me to his office."

"I was just thinking about heading that way anyway, make sure he leaves when he's told," Mark said, walking beside Derek towards Richard's office.

Upon approach, they could hear a man shouting and picked up their pace and went straight into the office. There they found Finn stood across the room from Richard, anger clear in his face, but hadn't noticed the two of them walk in, "Did _she_ put you up to this? You'll believe any crap that comes out her damn mouth."

Mark spoke first, "Dr Dandridge I think it's time for you to leave."

Finn's head spun to look at Mark, "You!" He spat out, "Did she get to you as well?"

"I'm just here to make sure you go straight to the exit. You're not welcome here," Mark responded, staying calm.

Richard motioned for Derek to go over to him, where he passed him a post-it note, _Go find Meredith Grey and take her to your office._ Derek simply nodded while Finn's rant continued in the background.

Finn laughed out, "I can't believe this, she's got you all wrapped around her finger," he gestured towards Richard and Derek, "Who the hell is this guy, anyway?"

Derek could feel the anger building up inside of him as Finn moved closer to him. He wanted nothing more than to give this guy what he deserved. This was the guy he'd seen stood in Richard's office with Addison. He knew he had to stay calm for Meredith, he had to get her and make sure she was safe, and their child. Richard covered for him, "This is Dr Shepherd, he's checking a patient for me while I deal with you."

He laughed again, "Oh, you're Addison's ex-husband," he shook his head, offering no further comment on the subject, and turned back to Richard, "I'm not leaving until I've spoken to my wife. If I'm leaving, then so is she."

At his words, Derek left the room. She'd said she was on rounds, so she'd either be in pre-op or post-op of general. She'd only just started so she'd probably been in post-op where she normally rounded first. He found her leaving a patient room with a group of residents, "Dr Grey!"

* * *

She'd left them there, talking between themselves as she put her hands in the pockets of her lab coat and walked away to start rounds. The whole way through seeing her first patient, she found that she couldn't stop looking at the clock on the wall, and there was a nervousness that she couldn't shake off.

After seeing her second post-op patient, she was speaking with Dr Wilson when she heard her name being called. She looked over to see Derek beckoning her over, she furrowed her brow and held up one finger to ask him to wait. She turned back to Wilson who finished her summary of the next patient, and then asked her to wait a moment while she went over to see what Derek needed.

"What is it? Are you here to force feed me breakfast again?" She asked, her eyebrows raised.

The look in his eyes worried her a little as he spoke, "You need to come with me."

She eyed him suspiciously, "Dr Shepherd, I'm in the middle of rounds," she gestured to the residents waiting for her.

"Dr Webber sent me," he told her, trying to keep his voice level.

Her face dropped a little and she thought a moment, "Give me a second." She turned back to the group of residents, instructing them to finish rounds without her and to only page with an emergency.

Derek watched on, impatiently wanting to take her away, knowing he could show up at any minute. As she walked back toward him, he looked down the hall and could see Mark walking in front of Finn. Derek moved to stand behind Meredith before he could see her, his hand on the small of her back as he spoke quietly, "My office, go."

She didn't argue and started walking with him behind her as they went to his office. Once inside, Derek locked the door behind them. She sat on the couch and held her head in her hands as she spoke in a quiet voice, "He won't leave, will he?"

He sat down beside her, "When I left, he was talking about not leaving without you. We'll get him to go, don't worry. Have you got surgery today?

"No, just monitoring post-ops and then research. Have you got surgery today?" She turned her head to look at him.

"I have a tumour resection this afternoon, just doing consults until then," he watched her as she stood up from the couch and started walking around in the small space, "Are you okay?"

She stopped to look at him, "I need a distraction. Can I see the tumour?"

He laughed softly and moved over to his desk, "Come here," he pulled out the chair for her and she sat down. He leaned beside her to bring the scans up on his computer and he watched her as she assessed them.

She looked over the scans of the tumour for a moment before speaking, "This is…"

"Inoperable?" He finished her assessment and she nodded with a soft laugh, "I know, that's why they came to me."

She turned the chair round to look at him as he spoke about his surgical plan, how he would tackle the tumour. She was fascinated by the animation in his voice as he spoke. She stood up from the chair as he finished talking and took his hands in hers. "The way you talk makes me want to come and watch," she said with a small laugh.

"I won't stop you if you wanted to watch from the gallery," he grinned softly, linking his fingers with hers as he spoke, "I'd invite you to scrub in but people may start asking questions."

They stood like that a moment, Meredith's fingers entwined with Derek's and he gently pulled her forward and wrapped his arms around her. She lay her head against his chest, closing her eyes as he embraced her, her arms around his middle.

Out of nowhere, Meredith started laughing softly. Derek looked down at her, confused, "What's so funny? Why are you laughing?"

She looked up at him, her head still against his chest as she spoke, "We're hiding again. I like hiding with you. And laughing is better than crying, I suppose."

He found himself entranced by her laughter, his eyes fixed on her, and he couldn't help but grin softly. If only she knew how beautiful she was when she laughed. His hand reached to push a strand of hair behind her ear and her eyes latched on his, gently biting her lower lip. He could feel the physical effect it had on him, and his hand lingered by her cheek. The atmosphere between them felt like it was charged with electricity, the tension in the air between them could be cut by a knife, and they both felt it. He spoke in a low voice as his face inched closer to hers, "You really shouldn't do that, Meredith." His thumb pulled gently at her lip to release it from the grip of her teeth.

She could feel her heart rate pick up as he did so, and her lips parted slightly. She planned to say, 'I'm sorry', but a whisper barely escaped her when his lips crashed against hers and she immediately reciprocated the intense longing he had to kiss her again.

As their lips moved against one another's, he gently manoeuvred her back against the edge of the desk with his hand on her hip. His body pressed against hers slightly as her hands moved up the front of his chest, gripping gently on the front of his lab coat. Their lips parted and his forehead rested gently against hers, he spoke quietly, "I've been trying so hard not to do that."

She kept her slight grip on the front of his lab coat and closed her eyes as he spoke, her mind in a state of conflict. She liked the kissing, she _loved_ the kissing, even. She was technically still married, though, through no fault of her own. His hands slid around her waist when she didn't pull back from him and she eventually spoke back in a whisper, "I'm glad that you did."

He pressed another soft kiss to her lips, before responding, "More kissing then, but maybe not here."

She couldn't help the slight feeling of disappointment that sank in her stomach, but she understood his reasoning. Her eyes met his to find him watching her closely and she gave him a smile, pressing her lips to his with a whisper of, "Once more."

He laughed softly and took her hands in his, gently pulling her back over to the couch and sitting down with her, putting a small amount of distance between them, "They shouldn't be too much longer."

"Is it really necessary for us to stay in here?" She looked at her hands in her lap as she spoke.

"We just want to make sure you're safe, Meredith," he said, causing her to groan softly as she leant back on the couch.

"I'm a big girl, Derek, I can look after myself," she half glared at him, but realised she couldn't be mad at him, he was just trying to protect her.

"I'm sure you can, but if you leave me alone while he's still around I'm going to end up punching him myself," he said in a serious tone.

"And threaten your ability to operate?" She teased, trying to lighten the mood. "I'm just saying, I've done hiding from him. I've done running away when he's angry. I've done not being able to get away when he's angry. I'm sick of it and I just want him gone. I can deal with one more confrontation with him if it means that he leaves. I want to move on. I want to do more and be more outside of him. Outside of being the sad, abused wife."

"As much as I love your confidence and have zero doubt in you, I saw him, and he looked like he wanted to kill you," he cupped her cheek with his hand, "and I'm not going to risk your safety. They'll get him to leave, and they'll call the police if they have to."

She pulled her phone out of her lab coat as Derek's hand dropped from her face, checking again to see if Mark had messaged her and she's missed it. Still nothing. "I'm bored," she looked back up at Derek with a pout.

He thought for a moment before holding his hand out to her, "Come on."

She raised an eyebrow as she took his hand, "Where?"

He stood up off the couch, pulling her to stand with him, "Keeping you entertained."

She stood with him, keeping hold of his hand as she did so. He led her to the door, and they went into the hallway. Derek kept hold of her hand despite the fact if anyone walked past by them, they would see the connection between the two. She kept her hand in his, welcoming the comfort it brought her, "Where exactly are we going?"

"I figured we could hide out in your office instead. You can show me your research that Richard keeps talking about."

"Richard keeps talking about my research… To who?"

"To anyone who will listen, Meredith," he gave her a serious look as they stood approached the elevator.

"Oh, I didn't realise... I guess I've kind of being keeping myself in a bubble, haven't I?" She mused as she called for the elevator.

"Well, I wasn't going to be the one to say it," he shrugged but gave a her a warm smile as they waited for the elevator to arrive, "There are a few... rumours, I guess? Nobody ever came close to the truth though, from what I heard. News travels fast around this place, though, and you may have given them something to talk about yesterday."

She let go of his hand as they stepped into the elevator, and she leaned against the back wall with her hand on her abdomen. She sighed softly before speaking, her gaze fixed to the floor, "Yeah, not one of my finest moments."

He stood in front of her and she looked up to him as his eyes studied her, he spoke in a quiet voice, "It's not the worst thing that's happened around here, by far. Don't worry, they'll find something new to talk about tomorrow."

She gave him a grateful smile before dropping her hand and standing up straight, "Until I start to show, anyway."

"Well, you shouldn't care what they think because they don't know the whole story," he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her in a close embrace for a moment before the elevator stopped. He stepped to the side of her as the doors opened and they walked in the direction of her office.

To get there, they'd have to walk across the catwalk bridge that joined the two sides of the hospital that overlooked the main entrance. As they approached, they could hear the sound of some sort of commotion coming from below near the entrance doors. They walked up to the railing to see Finn being escorted from the building by security as people watched on. Nurses, doctors, members of the public. Derek's hand touched the small of her back as a form of support and he spoke in a quiet voice, "Let's go, Meredith."

She silently shook her head, keeping her gaze fixed on the situation in front of them. She had just started to feel the tension release from her muscles watching Finn leaving the front doors, only to tense up again as he turned once more and his eyes locked with hers, a silent promise in them. She'd seen that look before when they'd been out in public and she would do or say something that he didn't approve of. The look that said he'd let her know how much he disapproved when they were alone.

As soon as their gaze broke and Finn eventually sauntered off into the parking lot, out of sight, Meredith stepped away from Derek, "I have to... I'll see you later on. Good luck with your tumour resection," she spoke in a quiet, almost empty-sounding voice before walking away, not hanging around for his response and not turning back to look at him. She didn't want his pity and she didn't want his comfort. She didn't deserve it.

As she walked to her office, she ignored the sound of her phone ringing. She ignored any looks she may have gotten, and if anyone called her name, she didn't hear them. She shut herself in the office and locked the door, finally releasing the deep breath she'd been holding, along with the tears she'd been keeping at bay since her gaze broke from Finn's. All she could think was that she'd made a huge mistake.

She sat at her desk with her head in her hands. She couldn't seem to think straight. She'd spent the past two months in an almost blissful ignorance and now it was coming back to get her. She'd known it wasn't going to last forever, but she got lost in it anyway. Maybe having this baby was a bad idea.

She was startled by a knock on the door and wiped at her face as she got up from the desk. She unlocked and opened the door to see a Richard stood there, and stepped back so that he could come in, offering a small smile of greeting.

"He's gone now, Meredith," he confirmed what she'd already seen happen, not that he knew of course.

"Thank you, I'm sorry for causing all this trouble," she avoided eye contact with Richard. She really couldn't deal with the pity looks. She just wanted to get on with her day.

"Are you going to be okay staying for the rest of the day? I know you don't have any surgeries, so it wouldn't be a bother if you need to go and work from home."

She shook her head, "No, no, I'm fine. I have post-ops to monitor and most of my research material is here anyway. I have some work to be doing in the lab," she tried to sound as reassuring as possible.

"Okay, just let me know if you change your mind. I have to get to a meeting now, but just get the message to me when you decide to head home."

She assured Richard she would before he left her office, leaving her alone once more. She decided to go and check up on her post-ops, starting with those she'd had to skip rounds on earlier. She locked the door behind her and started walking to the surgical floor, scraping her loose waves of hair up into a ponytail and securing it with the hair tie she kept on her wrist, ready to distract herself with work.

* * *

He hadn't seen her again since she walked away from him on the catwalk, but he hadn't actively gone after her either. He wanted to give her some space, and he would make sure he called her after his afternoon surgery, if only to let her know that he was still there for her.

He stood in the viewing room, going over the pre-op scans for his upcoming surgery. He analysed and compared the changes in the tumour growth between earlier scans and the newer ones, going over the surgical plan in his head once more. As he was about to leave the room, Addison walked in and closed the door behind her.

"What do you want, Addison?" He asked her, his impatience with her clear in his tone.

"You're avoiding me," she stated bluntly.

He gave her a confused look, "What makes you think I want to be around you?"

"We were married for eleven years, Derek," she said as though to prove some point to him.

He stopped her before she could say anymore, "And you threw that down the toilet pretty quickly. You had an affair with my best friend, and then you move on to Meredith Grey's husband? Classy stuff, Addison."

"I didn't know he was married," he rolled her eyes at his words, but she continued, "Why do you care so much about Meredith Grey's marriage anyway? It's not like she cares so much about him. It's one thing to move across the country and abandon your marriage," she gave him a pointed look, as though accusing him of the same thing, "but to then accuse him of domestic violence? That's a low."

Derek couldn't believe the words coming out of his ex-wife's mouth. He could only assume that it was Finn accusing Meredith of lying, and even if Addison didn't know any better, he couldn't stop the anger brewing inside of him, "You have no idea what you're talking about, Addison. I'd shut up right now if I were you."

She let out a short laugh, not missing the anger in his tone, "What? She got to you as well and you believe her?" She rolled her eyes, "He did everything for her. Anything she wanted, he got it. And then she repays him by abandoning him and moving across the country? I'm not surprised he looked for comfort elsewhere. She certainly wasn't giving it to him. And now he misses out on a great job opportunity because she lied to Richard who, of course, believed her straight off the bat, given his relationship with her mother," her eyes narrowed a moment at him, "Are you _sleeping with her?"_

He could feel the anger building with every word she was saying, "Shut. Up. Addison. You don't know anything. What, you're just going to take his word for it? Let him drag her name through the mud? You don't know anything. You don't see the look in her eyes every time his name is mentioned, the way she tenses up if someone touches her unannounced. You didn't see the bruises that covered her body. You sure as hell didn't see her head split open after he threw her against a wall when she caught him with you! Don't you dare speak about Meredith Grey as if you know a damn thing!"

He could see the shock on Addison's face as he spoke, rendered speechless by the words he'd said, "Derek, I, he told me, I didn't think..."

"That's it though, Addison. You didn't think. You didn't think when you jumped into bed with Mark, twice. You didn't think when you believed Finn and jumped into bed with him, too. You never think. Get out before you become his next victim."

He picked up the scans he'd previously been studying and left the room without another word. He had another half hour between his surgery and definitely needed to calm down before then. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard from Addison.

He found himself walking by the research lab and looked through the window to see Meredith working away. His anger dissipated as he saw her. Part of him wanted to go in and speak to her, but he needed to give her space right now. Overcrowding her and pushing her wasn't going to help. If she hadn't spoken to him by the end of the day, he'd just try and call after his surgery.

"Don't go in," he heard a voice beside him say, Mark.

"I wasn't going to, I just," he shrugged and looked to Mark, "Addison said some things."

Mark looked at him inquisitively, "What kind of things?"

Derek looked back through the window to Meredith, "She believed Finn over Meredith. It doesn't matter now. I have a surgery to get to."

Mark nodded, "I'm keeping an eye out, don't worry."

"Thank you, Mark," Derek turned to his old friend before he left, "As angry as I am at you about Addison, I'm really glad Meredith has you."

Mark shrugged it off, nonchalant, "It's the least I can do."

* * *

She'd managed to get through the day without running into Mark or Derek and they hadn't come to seek her out, that she'd known of. She'd appreciated the space from them. And Cristina was still away at her conference, none the wiser to the events of the day.

In order to avoid them, though, she'd also avoided the cafeteria and settled on the granola bars in her desk drawer. When these had run out, and the hunger began to get too much for her to be able to focus, she decided it was finally time to head home. She packed up her things and popped her head into Richard's office to let him know she was heading home, with reassurances that she'd be fine on her own and would call if she needed anything, and that he'd see her early in the morning for their scheduled surgery together. A case of pancreatic cancer had come in a few nights ago and he wanted her to scrub in with him to assist with the Whipple procedure.

Eventually, through all the rush hour traffic, she'd made it home and instantly turned the heating on. The seasons were changing, and it was becoming considerably colder as they days passed by. She peeled herself out of her clothes and took a warm shower before changing into a clean set of pyjamas and heading down to the kitchen.

She looked through the cupboards and happened upon a box of macaroni cheese that once she saw, she instantly craved. She took it out the cupboard and set the mix to cook in a pot with water on the stove, mixing it every now and then as she tried to come up with a plan of action in her head.

She needed something to keep him away from her. Whilst waiting for the pasta to cook, she typed up an email to her lawyer to look into filing a protection order. She hadn't done it from the start, although suggested by her lawyer, and she really didn't even know why. At the time, she figured it would have made him angrier and he'd have ignored it anyway, so what was the point? She definitely regretted not getting one now.

She sent the email off and sent a quick message to Cristina, summarising the events of the day for her before setting her phone down on the counter, deciding the pasta was ready. She turned off the stove just as she heard the front door open and close. She ran through who it could be in her mind for a split second before realising there was only one person it could be. The only other person who had access to a key for the house. A fleeting thought that she should've changed the locks passed her mind, but she pushed it away. It was too late for that now.

She stepped into the hallway, forcing herself each step, forgetting to pick up the phone with her like any sane person probably would've. Hindsight would tell her she should've phoned someone as soon as she realised who was there.

As she stepped out the kitchen, her eyes locked with the cold ones in front of her. He stood in front of the door as though he was expecting her to meet him there. She could smell the alcohol on him from where she stood, almost as though he'd bathed in whisky.

"Meredith, you're finally home."


	6. Denial

**We deny that we're tired, we deny we are scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed, and most importantly we deny that we are in denial. We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like truth. We deny so much that we can't recognise the truth right in front of our faces.**

* * *

She slowly became conscious. The sound of a steady beep filling her ears, along with low hum of machinery. She felt a dull pain in her head all of a sudden as she tried to open her eyes, the harsh lights making the pain worse. She felt a gentle squeeze on her hand and turned her head to the side, trying again to open her eyes and see who was there. She was only slightly relieved to see Cristina sat there. She murmured softly, "Cris..."

"Hey," she heard her friends soft voice as her eyes closed again, "You're okay, it's just me."

"What..." she swallowed at the dry sensation in her mouth as she tried to speak, "What happened?" Meredith squinted as she looked at her.

Cristina stood a moment and went to turn one of the lights off to make the room dimmer before moving to sit beside her friend again. "You're at the hospital, Mer, do you remember what happened?"

She shook her head, her eyes opening wider as she tried to think, "My back hurts..."

Cristina sighed softly, "It's just bruised, Mer. Mark found you at home...," Cristina summarised Meredith's injuries, a few broken ribs, nothing life threatening, except one, the Cristina hadn't mentioned. "They had to call Finn, as your next of kin, he went to the cafeteria." Meredith's hand pulled back from Cristina's and she looked up at the ceiling again as she moved her hand to her abdomen, a panic running through her at the sound of Finn's name.

Then she remembered, just a flash. She remembered falling backwards down the stairs. She looked to Cristina whose face had fallen, knowing what Meredith was about to ask. From the expression on her face, she knew the answer before even asking the question, and as Cristina spoke the words she didn't want to hear, sobs started to wrack through her chest. "I'm sorry, by the time Mark found you, it was too late," Cristina explained, watching as her friend broke down in front of her. Meredith's heart rate picked up as she struggled to breathe, unable to stop the crying as she went into a full-blown panic attack.

Cristina jumped up and called a nurse in, "Push Midazolam." She turned back to her friend, her hand gently rubbing at her upper arm to try and calm her as the sedation took effect, fixing an oxygen mask to her mouth to help her breath. Cristina watched as Meredith's breaths began to even out and her eyes closed as she fell back into unconsciousness.

Moments later, as the nurse was leaving, Derek appeared at the door to Meredith's room, "Cristina? What happened?"

Cristina didn't move her gaze from Meredith as she sat back down beside the hospital bed, "She woke up and started having a panic attack, she's sedated again now."

"Where is he?" As Derek spoke, his voice dropped with malice.

"He went to the cafeteria. He'll be back any minute, you should go. I've got her, Shepherd," she briefly glanced to Derek who was looking worse for wear, "Go before he gets back, don't make this worse for her."

He leant against the wall beside the door with a heavy sigh, looking down at the floor, "I was supposed to protect her, Cristina. I wanted to give her some space and then this happens."

Cristina gave him a sympathetic look, laying a hand on his shoulder as she spoke, "There's nothing anyone could've done, Shepherd."

He nodded and left the room reluctantly with one last look at Meredith. He made his way down the hallway his mind drifting back to just 6 hours ago.

* * *

_Although the surgery had been successful, he left the operating room with a sinking feeling in his stomach as she scrubbed out. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, but something had definitely happened. Something had changed._

_He checked his phone for any messages from Meredith, but she hadn't tried to call or text. He knew she wanted her space, but he was growing worried about her. He just needed to hear her voice, to know that she was okay._

_Just as he was about to dial Meredith's number, it started ringing. Mark was calling, he furrowed his brow in confusion but took the call anyway as he walked to his office, "Mark, what's up?"_

" _Meet me in the ER. It's Meredith," Mark said before immediately hanging up. Derek put his phone away, practically running across the hospital to get to the ER, his mind filled with panic. He didn't bother waiting for the elevator and ran down the stairwell that led out to the ER._

_He grabbed a yellow trauma gown, putting it on and reaching the ambulance bay where Richard was already waiting with Bailey as the ambulance parked up. He barely heard a word the EMT said as they unloaded Meredith on the gurney and Mark came out of the ambulance behind her._

_He immediately went to Meredith's side and took in the sight of her, unconscious, bruising to the side of her face, not to mention the numerous injuries across the rest of her body. He looked up at Mark as they pushed the gurney inside the ER and immediately took her to one of the trauma rooms, "Mark, what happened?"_

_They stopped at the door to the trauma room as Richard and Bailey started their work up to assess her injuries, "I don't know, I don't know. I stopped by her house to check on her, and I found her at the bottom of the stairs."_

_They both took in the scene before them as Richard turned to one of the nurses, "We're going to have to call her next of kin, I'm going to have to keep her sedated while we work on her."_

_Mark's attention was taken by Richard's words, "Richard you can't call him, for all we know…" his words trailed off, aware of the presence of other people in the room._

" _I know, Sloan, but legally we have to, until she tells us otherwise. Make sure the police are contacted, just in case," Richard told him, clearly against the idea of calling Finn himself, he turned to one of the interns, "Call up to OB, get them to send down whoever is on call. This doesn't look good."_

_Derek's breath caught at Richard's words. The baby… Mark pulled him out of the trauma room, "You can't be here, Derek. I'll stay with her, go and call Cristina, she'll need her."_

* * *

When she woke again, she felt numb. The pain in her head had subsided, and the ache in her bones was simply from being lay down for so long. She suspected some form of pain relief had been administered as she expected to be in a lot more pain than this. She looked to the chair beside her bed, seeing Finn asleep there. She looked out the window at the stormy night, focused on the raindrops that danced down the glass as her memory came flooding back to her.

* * *

_She turned off the stove just as she heard the front door open and close. She ran through who it could be in her mind for a split second before realising there was only one person it could be. The only other person who had access to a key for the house. A fleeting thought that she should've changed the locks passed her mind, but she pushed it away. It was too late for that now._

_She stepped into the hallway, forcing herself each step, forgetting to pick up the phone with her like any sane person probably would've. Hindsight would tell her she should've phoned someone as soon as she realised who was there._

_As she stepped out the kitchen, her eyes locked with the cold ones in front of her. He stood in front of the door as though he was expecting her to meet him there. She could smell the alcohol on him from where she stood, almost as though he'd bathed in whisky._

" _Meredith, you're finally home."_

_Her breath caught in panic at his voice and she froze, stood at the opposite end of the hallway form him, unable to form any words. "No one here to hide you from me, this time?" he said in a cold voice._

_Her mind was racing, she didn't know what to do. She couldn't get her body to move, to do the sensible thing and remove herself from the situation. To call for help, did she need help? She finally managed to speak, "Why are you here? Just go back to Boston with Addison."_

_He gave her a cold laugh, "I'm here to take my wife back to Boston. You ruined anything with Addison. Telling her lies about me."_

" _I've never spoken to Addison," she was confused as she spoke, had Mark said something? Or Derek? "And I'm not going back to Boston, I've already told you this."_

" _Whatever you did, she's scared of me now. Way to get revenge. I told you it was a mistake with her! Why didn't you believe me?" His voice rose as he spoke, both of them stood there in the hallway, "And you will come back to Boston, you're my wife and you will do as I say."_

" _You cheated with her twice that I know of, God knows how many more times, how many other women!" She spat back at him, "Just leave me alone. Why do you have to do this?" All of a sudden, her hormonal body betrayed her and she started breaking down in tears in front of him, the last thing she wanted to do, "Just go back to Boston, sign the divorce papers, and leave me alone!"_

" _It doesn't matter, Meredith, you're my wife, and nothing will change that!" He sounded so sure of himself as he moved closer down the hall to where she was stood, "We're going back to Boston,_ tonight."

" _I don't want to be your wife. If this is what being your wife is, being belittled, and broken down, and beat around, I don't want it!" She wiped at the tears on her face as she spoke, "I loved you, Finn. I put up with it. I thought you could change. But you don't change! You say you'll change, that you'll do better. You think you can control everyone and everything, but you can't! I'm staying in Seattle, and you need to leave."_

_He lunged forward and pushed her back against the wall that made up the banister of the stairs, speaking between gritted teeth, "How dare you talk to me like that? I don't take orders from you. You take orders from me. You do as I say, or you get yourself into messes like you seem to have found yourself in now." His hands had a firm grip on her waist, holding her there._

_She found herself looking at him with pleading eyes, speaking in a broken voice, "Please, just go," her hand moved to her abdomen as she spoke, the protectiveness of the life inside her taking over at the feel of his hands close to her stomach._

_He didn't miss the movement of her hand and took a step back, releasing her in his shock, his eyes looking over her as he came to the realisation, "You're pregnant." She stood there against the wall, her body shaking slightly, not saying anything as he was thinking. Calculating. He finally spoke again, "It's not mine, is it?" She saw the darkness in his eyes. It was more intense than she'd ever witnessed, "You fucking whore."_

_Her heart was racing in her chest as she realised what was about to happen. Everything that happened next was a blur. She moved. She didn't know if it was the adrenaline in her, or the fear coursing through her veins, or both even. She started up the stairs, but he caught the back of her shirt, pulling her down. As she fell, she felt an intense stabbing pain in her ribs, and in her abdomen, and then everything went black._

* * *

A knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts, and she turned to look at the visitor. Her body tensed seeing Derek stood there and she looked to where Finn was still sleeping. She looked back at Derek who had seen that Finn was still there but was approaching the bed quietly anyway.

He spoke in an almost whisper, "You know you can talk to me, Meredith." He knew from the panicked look in her eyes that he shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't stay away any longer. Finn had refused to leave her side all day and wouldn't let anyone be alone with her, even as she slept.

Meredith shook her head, clearing her throat a little before she spoke, her voice a whisper, "You need to go… I'm fine."

He sighed softly, knowing there was nothing her could do right now. With one more look at Finn to ensure he was sleeping; he leant forward and pressed a soft kiss against the top of Meredith's head with a quiet murmur, "Let me know if you need anything, any time. I'll be here."

She gave a small nod but couldn't look at him. She knew what was probably going to happen in the morning. Finn would demand they go back to Boston and she wouldn't be able to work. Her life was essentially over, and she had to come to terms with it. Part of her was regretting even telling Derek about the pregnancy, then she wouldn't have put him in so much pain now.

* * *

The next time she woke, the room was dark, but she could feel a presence in the room beside her. She looked over to see Finn sat there, awake now but not looking at her, looking down at his phone. Her eyes widened in panic, her eyes looking to the window of the room where Cristina was stood with Mark, not looking into the room. As her breathing unintentionally sped up, increasing her heart rate, the rapid increase of the beeps on the heart monitor caught his attention and he looked up at her, "Meredith?"

When she looked back at him, she could see he'd been crying, she spoke in a quiet whisper, "No, go away, get out."

He gripped firmly on her hand, standing between the bed and the glass window to block the view of Meredith's panicked look. His eyes bore into hers as he spoke in a firm voice, "Meredith, you fell down the stairs, remember?"

Her voice trembled under his stare, "Finn, you can't…"

"You will _not_ say a word, Meredith," He threatened. When she didn't say anything, he kneeled on the bed beside her, still blocking the view of her from the doctors stood at the nurses' station, unaware that Meredith had woken up. His hand moved to cup her cheek in a chilling caress as he spoke in a quieter voice, "You fell down the stairs. You were simply exhausted and missed your footing."

She nodded and closed her eyes, not wanting to look at him as she calmed her breathing. She had to let him win. Her body froze as she felt his lips against her forehead and heard the door opening, Cristina's voice harsh as she addressed Finn, "Is she awake?"

She felt his grip loosen on her hand as Cristina appeared in the room, "Yes, she's awake. When can I take my wife home?" Her eyes opened and focused on Cristina, noticing the cold look being shared between them both as Finn moved off the bed.

"I'll page Dr. Webber," Cristina said simply, pulling out her phone to page him before moving to Meredith's bedside. She wasn't afraid of Finn, and sensing this, he simply sat back down in the chair he had previously sat in. "How's your pain, Mer?" Cristina addressed Meredith now in a softer tone.

Meredith coughed a little, an attempt to moisten her dry mouth before she spoke, "It's… bearable, I just need water," she looked at the questioning look Cristina was giving her before glancing over at Finn and then back to her, giving a discreet shake of her head when she realised Finn wasn't looking at her, and was back looking at his phone.

"I'll send a nurse in now with some," Cristina couldn't hide the concern in her eyes, as though waiting for some sort of signal from Meredith, but she didn't give one.

"Can I speak to my wife in private now?" Finn said in a harsh tone, still typing away on his phone. Cristina simply nodded and left the room.

Mark was stood waiting for Cristina's report back to him, who simply shook her head at him. She spoke in a quiet voice after closing the door behind her, "She didn't say anything, we need to get him away from her."

"That's going to be pretty difficult, Yang," Mark pointed out with a sigh.

"Don't you think I know that?" She snapped back at him and then dragged her hand over her face with a groan before speaking again, "She can't go back to Boston with him. We'll never see her again."

Richard spoke up, having approached them unknowingly, "I think I can help with that. Meredith's contract means she has to stay here. I'm not one to enforce these kinds of things, but I can if need be."

"What about him?" Cristina rose her eyebrows at the Chief, "You think he'll just leave her here after this?"

Richard shrugged, "All I can say is that I'm not offering him a job here. He might be good at what he does, but she needs a safe place if he stays in Seattle."

Cristina and Mark both nodded as Derek then approached the group. Mark took his friend's arm and turned him back to walk away from the room with him, "Derek, I know you're hurting, and you need to be with her. I know. But you can't right now. I'll page you, okay?"

"We can't just let him get away with this!" As Derek's voice began to raise in volume, Mark dragged him into a nearby abandoned office to ensure attention wasn't drawn to them.

"There's nothing that we can do. Trust me, if there was, we would do it. We can keep her from going back to Boston with him for now, but that's about it," he closed the door behind them as he spoke, watching as Derek paced the room.

Mark simply stood with him, watching as he paced back and forth muttering his frustrations under his breath. A knock on the door grabbed their attention and Mark opened it to find Richard, "She's ready. Neuro check. He's not there."

* * *

Richard entered Meredith's room, a wide smile on his face meant to comfort Meredith somewhat as he approached her, "How are you feeling, Dr. Grey?"

She spoke in a quiet voice, her eyes flickering to where Finn sat, now paying attention to the doctor who has just walked in, "I'm okay, Chief."

Not waiting for Richard to respond, Finn spoke up, "When can she be discharged? I need to book our flights back to Boston."

Richard furrowed his brows as he looked to Finn this time, "Back to Boston?"

"I'm taking her back home, she's resigning and finishing her fellowship elsewhere," Finn snapped back, impatient. Meredith simply looked to her hands, fidgeting as they spoke.

"I don't think she is, Meredith has a signed 12-month contract with us," at Richard's words, Meredith's head snapped up, almost hopeful as Richard continued to speak, "She still has 10 months left on her contract, as I understand she is conducting some very promising research leading to a fully funded clinical trial. If you need to get back to Boston, Dr. Dandridge, she's in safe hands here."

Finn was taken aback, not used to being told no to his demands. Meredith's eyes were on him as he weighed up the options in his head. He gave a resigned sigh, "Fine, and the job offer? Is that still off the cards?"

Richard stood firm, "We don't have the opening anymore, budget cuts." He turned to look back at Meredith now, aware that she was being left out of the conversation, "Now, I'm going to need you stay for another 24 hour observation, but you should be ready for discharge in the morning. As long as you're just doing research, and you feel rested enough, I'm happy for you to come back to work after the weekend. No strenuous activity, okay? I'll make sure the relevant departments have signed off on your discharge by the morning."

Meredith nodded in understanding and spoke a little louder, "Am I okay to eat something?"

Richard nodded, "As long as you feel up to eating, then I encourage it," he turned back to Finn then whose gaze was fixed on Meredith, "Finn, why don't you grab her something light from the cafeteria while she has a neuro check? I know Dr. Shepherd is on his way now."

Meredith tried not to react at the mention of Derek, knowing Finn was watching her every move at that point. Finn sighed, annoyance clear in his voice as he spoke, knowing he wouldn't be able to refuse the request from Richard, "Fine. I won't be long."

Before he left the room, he gave Meredith a knowing look. She winced slightly as he closed the door with a little bit too much force and then looked to Richard who had his eyes on her with a questioning gaze, the same Cristina had given her, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Meredith shook her head as she looked away, she couldn't look at him while she lied to him, "I just fell down the stairs. I guess I was just exhausted, and I'd forgotten to eat…"

Richard gave a sad sigh and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze, "You can tell me, you know. We can keep you safe."

She gathered herself and shook her head again, looking at him this time with a small smile, "it's my own fault, Richard. I just missed a step on the stairs. What I said… about Finn, it's not... I overreacted. It was just one time."

Richard knew not to push her, she wasn't about to budge from her story, he made his way towards the door, "I'll send Dr Shepherd in."

A few moments later, Derek entered the room with Mark followed close behind him. Meredith looked over to them as they walked in, not missing the heartbreak that was apparent on Derek's face. Almost as though he knew what she was going to say. Mark stayed by the door, almost as though he was on lookout.

Derek began to approach her slowly, but she protested, "Derek, don't. I fell down the stairs, okay? It's my own fault. I didn't eat and… it's my fault, okay?"

She watched as he appeared to gather himself, a cold expression over his face as he spoke, "I'm here to do your neuro clearance, Dr Grey. We don't know if you hit your head or not, so we need to double check again."

Mid-way through the exam, Finn returned, not amiss to the tension in the room as he eyed the interaction between Meredith and Derek. He put a salad box down on the table next to the bed, before returning to his seat in the chair and bringing his attention back to his phone, "I got you a salad. Eat it."

Derek's composure broke slightly at the harshness in Finn's tone, but Meredith just avoided his gaze. He stood straight and stepped back, picking up Meredith's chart, making a note and signing off, "Neuro check is clear," his eyes locked with Meredith's, hoping to convey the hidden message behind his words as he spoke, "Have someone page me if anything changes."

He left the room, walking away with Mark who had stayed silent the whole time, and Meredith picked up the salad box, starting to chew on the bland leaves. Finn eventually spoke up, "I'm getting a plane to Boston tonight. There's some business I have to take care off, and then I'll be back on Monday," he looked to her then, "Think you can stay out of trouble and look after yourself until then?"

Meredith nodded as she put the salad back down, feeling tired again. She assumed her pain meds had been automatically delivered, "You're coming back to stay in Seattle?"

He gave her his full attention now, putting the phone away and took her hand, "Meredith, I know we've both made mistakes. We can fix this, okay?" He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "I love you, baby."

She recognised the voice he was using. His apology voice, the one that said _'Hey, I know I almost beat you back there, but I didn't mean it.'_

* * *

She couldn't sleep. Finn had left only an hour ago, and although she knew she should feel a sense of relief, but she still just couldn't sleep.

The door opened and she watched with a blank expression as Derek came into the room. She spoke, keeping her voice indifferent, "Why are you here?"

His voice broke a little as he spoke, moving closer to her, "Meredith, please. Please, speak to me."

As his hand touched hers, all resolve she had broken as tears started to fall. Before she even realised it, she was crying again, "I'm sorry," her voice was slightly raspy, "I'm so sorry."

He moved to sit on the bed beside her, and she shuffled over slightly to give him a little more space which caused her to groan lightly as her body protested the movement. He carefully wrapped his arms around her and held her close, speaking against her hair, "It's okay, it's not your fault, it's not your fault," he held her close as he spoke, and she buried her face against his shoulder, his hand running over her hair as they grieved the mutual loss of their unborn child.

As her sobs finally began to subside, he could see the tiredness start to take over her. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head and whispered softly, "Sleep, Meredith. I'm not going anywhere."

The next time she woke, Derek had gone from the bed beside her. In fact, he wasn't even in the room. No one else was in the room. She turned her head to look out into the hallway and stood there with their backs to her was Bailey, Richard and Cristina. She tried to adjust her position in the bed, only to catch the attention of the three doctors who flooded into the room.

Cristina spoke first as she entered the room, moving to her bedside, "Are you in pain? What do you need?"

She spoke in a raspy voice, her mouth dry, "Water." She watched as Cristina poured a cup of water for her and she lifted her hand to take it, grateful for the straw that had been placed in the cup. She avoided the pitiful gazes she was sure she was getting from Richard and Bailey. At least Cristina didn't look at her with pity. She put the cup down on the table beside her and moved to sit up in the bed, with support from Cristina as she did so. She finally looked to the other two doctors in the room, "Can I see my chart?"

"Meredith, that's not…" Richard spoke first, but Bailey had already picked up the chart and passed it over to Meredith. She'd only worked with the head of general surgery a handful of times so far, having been more focused on research, but she appreciated the gesture. She read through the chart, making a note of the amount of time she had actually been in the hospital. It had been almost 48 hours since she had been at home making dinner. She closed the chart and set it to one side before looking back up at Richard.

Cristina spoke up from beside her, "I'm going to take you back to your house, is that okay?"

Meredith nodded, "Yeah, okay."

"Everything looks good to go, do you have any concerns at all before we discharge you?" Richard asked her, almost as though he was hinting at something more from her.

She shook her head, more than ready to go home, "I'm okay, just ready to get home, away from… watchful eyes."

Richard nodded in understanding, "We'll leave you be. I'll leave the discharge papers here," he set a pile of papers down on the table before he and Bailey left the room, leaving Meredith and Cristina alone.

Meredith pulled back the sheets and moved to stand up off the bed. She found it a lot easier than she had the first time the physical therapist had come to see her the previous evening. She looked around a moment before addressing Cristina, "Do I have anything to change into?"

Cristina nodded and produced a duffle bag from under the bed. Meredith opened it and looked inside to find a change of clothes. As she pulled out, she felt something with a slight weight fall back into the bag. She set the clothes aside to find her phone in the bottom of the beg beside a pair of her converse. Except it was her phone from Boston. She spoke in a quiet voice, "Who packed the bag?"

"Finn brought it by before he left for the airport, you were asleep," Cristina spoke slowly, wondering the intention behind the question.

Meredith picked up the phone and turned it on as she spoke, sensing the slight question from Cristina, "Old phone."

"You can still leave him, Meredith," Cristina told her, having previously avoided the topic, "You can come and stay with me. You know we'll keep you safe."

Meredith was quiet for a moment before speaking, "I'm just going to change." She needed space. She felt suffocated, almost. She needed space to think. She watched Cristina who nodded before dragging the privacy curtain round the bed and leaving the room.

As she changed into the more comfortable, socially acceptable clothing, she was deep in thought. Could she leave again? It had clearly not turned out well last time. He found her. He still has his hold on her. There just wasn't any point. She knew he'd have more to say about the fact that Richard had pulled the clause of her contract up, to say that she had to stay in Seattle. She wasn't sure if she glad or not that he'd stopped Finn taking her back to Boston. Back in Boston she didn't have to deal with all these people, caring about her. She could suffer in silence. Instead, she would have to wait until Finn came back on Monday night to hear exactly what he thought of the situation.

Having finally gotten dressed, she picked up the phone that had eventually turned itself on. She only had messages from Finn. She couldn't delete them, could she? She hadn't turned the phone on in two months and there was at least a message a week from him waiting for her, if not more. She locked the phone and put it back inside the bag before putting her shoes on and pulling back the privacy curtain.

She visibly jumped when she realised Derek was stood at the entrance to the room, not expecting to see him there. She recollected herself and picked up the discharge papers, scanning them over a moment before signing them. When she looked up again, he was still there. She sighed softly, "What are you doing?"

As she spoke, he stepped further into the room, sitting on the bed beside her with a small smile, "Seeing you off. I have surgery in half an hour."

She gave him a small nod, "Cristina is taking me home," she informed him, although he probably already knew. She started collecting her things, dumping them into the duffle bag before zipping it up and slinging it over her shoulder as she stood upright, a slight ache in her ribs at the sudden movement.

She picked the discharge papers up and he stood up again, staying close beside her as she walked out to the nurses' station and handed the papers over, letting them know to pass them on to Dr Bailey. Cristina stood back a moment, giving Derek a little more time. He took Meredith's hand in his as he spoke, "Can we talk before you go?"

Meredith pulled her hand back instantly as though the skin-to-skin contact burned her. She looked over to where Cristina was stood, "I just want to go home."

He nodded with a resigned sigh before stepping back from her, speaking in a quiet voice, to avoid anyone else listening in, "I want you to know that I'm here, Meredith. Whatever you need, I'm here," he told her.

She hadn't expected him to say that. It made what she was about to do even harder. She took a deep breath, keeping her emotions in check. She was done crying. She looked down as she spoke, unable to look at him, "Derek, I don't want you to be here. I need you to not be here," she paused a moment before speaking again, "I'm married, Derek."

He hadn't expected that from her. He had expected some sort of distancing from her, but for her to say she didn't want him hurt, a lot. He pulled his hand back from hers and stood a little straighter. If this is what she wanted, though, then he'd respect her wishes, "Okay, I'll just, I'll go."

He watched as she turned away from him, walking over to where Cristina stood. He wasn't able to see the hurt on her face at having to send him away, but she had to do it. She didn't want to open herself up for hurt again. She needed him to move on and leave her behind.

Derek turned around and walked down the corridor, meeting the gaze of Mark who had watched the interaction from down the hall, who didn't miss the look of hurt in Derek's face as he walked away.


	7. Pain

**Pain. It comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. Then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of the world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage out pain is up to us. We anaesthize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.**

* * *

Cristina spoke as they walked into the house, "I'm going to stay with you today and then Mark is going to keep you company tomorrow." She was thankful that Mark had come by the house and cleaned up after what had happened, so that Meredith wouldn't be faced with it when she returned home.

Meredith was too tired from the pain medication to argue further her point that she didn't need 24/7 care and just nodded to acknowledge she'd heard Cristina, "I'm just going to head up to bed."

Cristina headed watched Meredith walk up the stairs, to make sure she wasn't about to fall down them before going into the kitchen and starting to tidy up the old mac and cheese that had been made that night. Cristina wasn't normally one to be cleaning around, but this was an exception. The last thing Meredith needed to be doing right now was cleaning her house.

Meredith stripped off the clothes that Finn had brought to the hospital for her and simply wore an oversized t-shirt before climbing into bed under her duvet. She didn't have much time for thinking, something she was thankful for, as she dozed off almost immediately.

She woke up to a hunger in her stomach, but the pain in her ribs stopped her from getting up out of the bed. She reached over to her phone to send a quick message to Cristina to ask for medication. Maybe it was a good thing that she was there with her.

Moments later, Cristina came up with a glass of water for her along with a bottle of pain medication, setting them on the bedside table. She accepted Cristina's help in aiding her to sit up against the headboard, but not without a grumble of feeling like an invalid when she wasn't one.

"Get over it, Meredith," Cristina replied as Meredith took the pain medication, "Ready to eat something?"

Meredith gave a shrug, "Sure. Neither of us can cook though, so this part of the whole taking care of me thing wasn't really all that well thought out," she pointed out with a short laugh that only exacerbated the pain in her ribs.

"Well, I'm sorry I'm no cook but I am pretty good at ordering take-out. Pizza?" Cristina suggested, sitting in the bed beside Meredith, pulling up the dominoes website on her phone.

"Okay, but only if you're getting chicken wings," Meredith made an attempt to lighten the mood in the room.

"Of course, there'll be chicken wings," Cristina rolled her eyes and laughed softly, picking up on Meredith's attempt, "Shall we move this party downstairs then?"

Meredith nodded but didn't move yet, waiting for the pain medication to take effect, "Just give me a minute and I'll be right with you."

"Take your time," Cristina said as she scrolled through the pizza choices, waiting until Meredith went to stand up before she would herself, "Pizza preference?"

Meredith simply shrugged, feeling the pain medication starting to work and relieve the pain she was feeling in her ribs, "Something with meat on it and no vegetables." She slowly swung her legs around so that she was sat on the side of the bed, followed by a slow movement to stand up off the bed. Keeping an eye on Meredith's movements, Cristina followed suit, getting off the bed herself and following her downstairs.

As they sat down on the couch, Meredith's phone started to ring as Finn called her. He spoke before she even got the chance to.

" _Are you home?"_

" _Yeah, Cristina brought me back."_

" _Is she still there?"_

Meredith paused a moment as she looked over to Cristina, who simply shrugged, _"She went home."_

" _Good. I'll be back before you know it. I love you."_

" _You too,"_ she wasn't sure if he heard her as the line went dead.

Meredith put the phone down and looked to Cristina, a worry running through her that she would start asking more questions, "You don't have to stay."

"I'm not leaving until later on tonight, Mark is still going to come and check on you tomorrow," Cristina stated, already knowing Meredith's worry, "We're not going to pry. If you want to talk about it, you can. If you don't, we're not going to push you. You need to heal. You'll get your strength back."

Meredith unlocked her phone and went to her emails. A few from her lawyer regarding the restraining order documents, to which she responded to tell them it was no longer necessary. There was no information regarding the divorce she'd filed, which clearly meant Finn hadn't signed the papers, and she figured at this point he'd forgotten about them. "How bad is the gossip?" She asked Cristina as she put the phone back down.

"It's not as bad as it could have been. Richard, along with the help of Mark and Derek, and Bailey for that matter, had it shut down pretty quickly, so you don't need to worry about that," Cristina assured her but was aware that it wouldn't ease Meredith's anxiety about it any.

"Have I missed anything that has nothing to do with me, then?" She asked, ready to keep the conversation off her and her drama.

Cristina thought a moment before answering, "Well, Karev started shacking up with that resident, what's her name… Wilson, she's one of yours, right?"

Meredith furrowed her brows a moment, "Yeah, she's fifth year specialising in General, remind me who Karev is again?"

"Paeds attending, commonly referred to as Evil Spawn," Cristina offered up as a description.

Meredith remembered now, she'd heard stories from Cristina, and he'd sat with them a few times in the cafeteria, he seemed like a decent guy, "Oh, I know who you mean now. Does everyone just sleep with each other at Seattle Grace?" This was something she'd picked up on over the past couple of weeks.

Cristina laughed a little at Meredith's comment, "Pretty much, yeah."

Meredith had picked her phone up again, scrolling through news headlines that she had missed while she'd been… checked out. That's what she could call it. Nothing of any significance appeared to be going on.

"Why won't you just tell us the truth, Meredith?" When she looked up from her phone, Cristina had her eyes on her, studying her almost.

"What makes you think I'm lying?" Her voice faltered as she answered Cristina's question with a question. The strong urge to run pulling inside her.

Cristina sighed and switched on the tv with a shrug, noticing the panic in Meredith's voice and expression and choosing not to push it any further. She'd say something when she was ready. Hopefully before she got hurt again.

* * *

She'd fallen asleep on the couch and Cristina had left her at some point. She didn't have the energy to move herself upstairs so that's where she stayed. She spent the night and morning in and out of sleep.

When she woke around 10am, Mark had suddenly appeared beside her, startling her, "What the hell, Mark? How did you get in?"

Mark gave her a side glance and shrugged, "Cristina gave me the key. She's in surgery all day."

She groaned slightly at the ache through her body as she stretched, now regretting staying on the sofa. She slowly rose from the couch, "Why are you here? I don't need a babysitter."

Mark watched as she supported herself, one arm against the couch with a pained expression on her face. He shook his head slightly, "Someone has to make sure you don't fall down the stairs again."

She glared at him a moment before a shot of pain ran through her and she winced, remembering why she got up in the first place. Painkillers. She spoke in a harsh voice, "I don't need a babysitter, why can't you all just leave me alone?"

Mark didn't say anything and stayed put on the couch in front of the TV, leaving her to it. Even if she pushed them all away, became distant with them, angry with them, they couldn't give up on her now.

She returned to sit beside him, wrapping the blanket around herself close, deep in thought. She started to breathe easier as the painkillers started taking over. She turned to look at him, her legs tucked against her with her arms around them, as she spoke, "Cristina said you found me." When he didn't say anything she elaborated, speaking in a quieter voice, "I remember… he figured it out, that I was pregnant, that it couldn't have been his," she paused, realising she may have said to much, insinuating Finn was there. She backtracked a little, "He left. I went up the stairs, to go to bed, I was tired. Then I fell backwards… I remember a lot of pain, but that's it, that's all I can remember," her voice broke a little and her head turned to stare at a fixed point on the hardwood floor, as silent tears fell from her eyes, "I read my chart. Mark, the injuries in my chart, that can't all be from falling backwards down the stairs, right?"

Mark's hand reached and his hand gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. She turned to look at him as he answered her, "When I got there, the door was unlocked and I could see you at the bottom of the stairs," he took a breath, remembering the image in his mind, "I don't know exactly what happened, but you didn't just fall down the stairs, no, that's not what it looked like."

She let out a long sigh and wiped at the tears on her cheeks and under her eyes, still speaking in a quiet voice, "I'm such an idiot. I should've never, I should've… I completely forgot he even had a key to my mother's house…" she trailed off again, realising she was saying too much. "I should've eaten something before going upstairs, I should've just slept on the couch, or something." She lay her head back against the back of the couch, the tears falling again, "and now my baby is gone because I couldn't keep it safe. I failed before I even had a chance to begin."

"Are we going to talk about Derek Shepherd, then?" Mark asked after a long moment of silence between them, changing the subject. He'd kept quiet about it so far, but he felt like he needed to do something. For both Meredith's and Derek's sake. He was definitely not himself, he spent the whole day, after Meredith had been discharged, moping around the hospital, refusing to speak beyond the confines of his job, and then the day after the same way. Mark had never seen him this way before.

Meredith looked over at him from where she sat on the couch, caught out by the question, "Why do we need to talk about him?" While she wanted to avoid her relationship with Derek, she knew it would be one she would have to have at some point, and there was a part of her wanting to know how Derek was, as much as she tried to not think about it.

"Because he's walking around the hospital looking downright depressing, and his beard is growing as though he doesn't care, if you ask me," Mark explained, keeping his eye on Meredith's reaction.

She felt a small tug in her chest at Mark's words. Her voice dropped in volume when she responded to him, "Mark, I… I just needed space, okay? And he needs to move on, anyway. I ruined his life and he needs to just move on." She looked away from Mark as she spoke, eyes fixed on the tv that was playing some nonsense show that provided background noise, "He's probably just sad about the baby. There's nothing I can do."

* * *

Finn wasn't due to come back till that evening, so Cristina had driven her in to the hospital that morning for her first day back. She met with Richard after taking her bag to her office, putting her lab coat back on, which somewhat eased her nerves. As previously mentioned, he had agreed to let her come back on reduced hours to do research and teaching only, no operating. She'd have to wait at least another two weeks before she could operate again, not wanting to have her standing in an OR for hours on end and exacerbating her injuries. She'd reluctantly agreed, along with ensuring she took breaks if she were in any pain.

After seeing Richard, she had a quick check up with Bailey to check her out physically. Bailey confirmed everything was healing within the appropriate timescales and offered to refill her pain medication, which Meredith declined, happy to continue with aspirin if needed.

She spent the whole day in her office, only seeing Cristina now and again when she stopped by, and Mark once when he popped his head in to see if she wanted to join him for lunch, which she declined, but he didn't push. She grabbed her laptop and some paperwork to take home with her, hoping it may reprieve her of any conversation with Finn when he returned home. She'd already stayed in work long enough that she couldn't avoid going home any longer. She stood waiting for the elevator with her work bag over her shoulder. He hadn't yet updated her on what time he'd be back, but she hoped she still had some time before she could see him.

The doors opened and her gaze met with Derek's, his face still unshaven as Mark had pointed out, but she dropped her eyes as she stepped inside and turned to face away from him, toward the doors. They were alone in the elevator. She pressed the button for the ground floor where she planned to get a taxi back home since Cristina had been pulled into an emergency surgery that was sure to last another 5 hours, if not more. She worked to keep her breathing steady. She didn't realise how much energy being in work, if only sat at a computer all day, would take out of her, but she didn't want it to show, especially in front of Derek.

After what seemed like forever, the elevator reached the ground floor and she stepped out, realising she definitely needed to sit down. Thankfully, there was a small sitting area to the side of the elevators, and she went to sit in one the chairs, her bag dropping at her feet.

He didn't miss the pained look on her face, the way she was clearly controlling her breathing. He stood in front of her, concern for her plain on his face as he spoke in a quiet voice, "Are you okay?"

She gave him a small, forced smile as she spoke, not quite looking up at him, "I'm fine, don't worry. Just waiting for a taxi."

"I can give you a ride, I'm heading out now," he offered as he lifted his bag, as though to prove his point to her.

"No, it's fine. I'll be fine," she said, trying to convince him to move on. If Finn had come home early, he wouldn't want to see Derek dropping her off. Even if he didn't know about their… relationship.

"You're saying the word 'fine' too many times for it to ring true. Just let me give you a ride, it doesn't have to mean anything."

She pulled her phone out of her pocket as it buzzed to see a message from Finn. He was only just getting on the plane from Boston, so wouldn't be back until much later, and she did need a ride home. She looked up at Derek expectant expression, and realised he wasn't going to drop it, so she reluctantly agreed, "Just give me a moment."

"Do you want some help?" He offered out his hand to her.

"No," she shook her head, ignoring his outstretched hand, before slowly moving to stand from the chair, "See? I'm fine."

"Okay," he nodded, not wanting to push it any further. He was grateful that she was letting him give her a ride home and he shouldn't push it, but he did pick her bag up for her off the floor when she didn't immediately pick it up.

She didn't bother argue, it had become kind of heavy anyway and she just wanted to get home. He walked with her to the car, close but not touching, and unlocked it, but she had opened the passenger door before he had a chance to do it for her. He put his bag on the backseat before climbing in the driver's side and putting her bag in the passenger foot-well. He glanced over to check she had her seatbelt on before he started driving.

They stayed in silence the whole ride to her house, neither one starting conversation with the other. Derek felt as though his presence irritated Meredith, and she still couldn't shake the guilt when she was around him, so settled with keeping her gaze fixed out the window as he drove.

Eventually, he pulled up outside her house and she undid her seatbelt. They sat in silence for a moment before she turned to look at him, talking in an almost whisper, "He's coming home this evening."

Derek's brow furrowed and he reached a hand toward to her, which she didn't take. He eventually dropped it again as he spoke, "I'm still here for you, Meredith. Anything. Just call me, okay?"

She shook her head and sat a moment longer before taking a deep breath and climbing out of the car, her bag over her shoulder. She whispered a quiet thank you for the ride home as fled into the house. He stayed parked there long after she'd closed the door behind her, making sure she made it inside before he drove off. As much as she avoided him and tried to push him away, he couldn't accept that this was the end for them.

* * *

She flinched as she heard the door slam shut from downstairs. She was sat in the bed, her laptop open with various files spread around her. She winced a little as she leaned forward to start gathering the papers, piling them up on the side table as she heard his footsteps coming up the stairs.

He stood in the doorway, looking at her. She looked up as she felt his presence and spoke first, "How was your flight?"

"I'm tired, Meredith," he brushed her off and she could almost feel the disgust he directed towards her. She watched as he went into the bathroom and turned the shower on.

She closed the laptop and placed it on top of the papers, before climbing out of the bed. She grabbed her dressing gown and wrapped it around herself before picking up the papers and laptop together, making her way downstairs to set herself up on the couch, leaving the bed for him to go sleep.

She couldn't concentrate with him in the house. She couldn't leave either. After fifteen minutes of staring at the word document open on her laptop, she put the laptop down on the table in front of her and made her way into the kitchen, washing up her dishes from earlier and cleaning around to keep herself busy.

"You already ate?"

She turned as he walked into the kitchen and spoke in a quiet, resigned voice, "Yeah, I ate when I got back."

He moved over to her and his arms wrapped around her middle, holding her close to him as her body tensed. He didn't miss it. His chin rested on top of her head, "I am sorry. I am."

After freezing for only a moment at his touch, she pulled away from him, tears in her eyes as she spoke, "I can't forgive you."

"Meredith," he warned her, his voice stern as he watched her, "Forgive me for what, exactly? For Addison? Maybe I can't forgive you for whoever you decided to go off and fuck the moment you got away from me."

She felt a stab through her chest at his words, he really didn't care that she'd lost her baby. Her hope. The final thing she had left to live for. She wiped at the tears that had started to fall and turned away from him, "Sign the damn divorce papers then."

"I'm not signing the papers. We're moving on from this," he told her, not willing to debate the subject, "You were barely even pregnant. We'll make a baby if that's what you want. We'll make another baby."

She refused to look at him, hear his empty words, she wasn't ready to deal with this right now, "I have work to do."

"You've been in work all day, come to bed, Meredith," he said, walking out of the room.

She went back into the living room, ignoring his words as she sat back on the couch with her computer in her lap. It was all she could do not to breakdown. She barely slept that night, staying on the couch all night, and left early before Finn was even up. She couldn't bare to look at him.

* * *

Her first session with Dr Wyatt had been scheduled for her first afternoon back at work. The minutes seemed to pass like hours as they sat there in almost silence, Meredith unwilling to talk about what had happened. She'd avoided the subject with everyone, she didn't want to talk about it. Any of it. She just wanted to move on and forget about it all. But she had to try something to help with the nightmares. She just had to be careful with what she said. If she let slip…

Finally, she was able to leave the gruelling hour-long session. She made her way back to her office, ready to get her things together and head home for the night. She was definitely ready to climb back into bed, or rather, onto the couch she'd chosen to sleep on instead. She hadn't actually seen Finn since he came back a week ago, having spent every day in the hospital. She just hoped no one had noticed she hadn't had a day off yet.

As she made her way out to her car, her mind wandered to the previous week, when she'd gone out to Derek's land. Looking at the sun that was setting outside, she wondered what that would look like from his viewpoint. They'd talked a lot that night, getting to know each other more. He spoke about his childhood, his family. She'd partially spoken about her childhood, but more about her time in college and med school – the time before Finn had entered her life.

She let out a short sigh as she sat in her car, not wanting to go back to the house, but knowing she'd have to. She needed to stop thinking about Derek, or she'd end up regretting letting him go, allowing him to move on from her. She resolved on taking a hot bath when she returned home, that should help the aching in her ribs that had become more persistent since getting off the couch in the shrink's office.

* * *

She'd been back at work for three weeks now and had made little progress with Dr Wyatt. She always avoided the issue surrounding the reason why she was there to begin with, and although the psychiatrist would try to push her to talk about it, she hadn't been successful. Meredith knew she'd have to start talking, or else Richard wouldn't be letting her back into an operating room anytime soon. It was just hard to talk about. She hadn't even told Derek about it herself; she'd chickened out and got Mark to do it. Wait, why did that matter? She shook her head of the thought as she made her way to the gallery of OR 3, ready to watch Dr Bailey performing a surgery she'd been interested in. In reality, she wanted to be down there operating alongside her, but she'd have to settle with just watching for now.

She hadn't spoken with Cristina or Mark in that time beyond small talk and hadn't even seen Derek anywhere. Partly because she'd been avoiding him. And she still didn't have a day off, not that anyone said anything. She was starting to find that a bit suspicious, but if they didn't say anything that neither would she. Finn still hadn't said a word to her, and she hadn't said a word to him.

She'd felt the eyes that watched her as she made her way around the hospital, but she was over it by now. People could stare at her all they wanted, they could say anything they wanted about her, she was beyond caring about what those people thought of her. Her residents on the other hand would ask if she was okay and if they did talk about her, they didn't do it when she was around. They would listen to her updates on the research she was conducting. She's filled in on a few skills labs with them, which helped her feel some sort of normalcy while she couldn't teach them in the operating room. She was glad to still have their respect. Hopefully, she could get back to operating in the next week.

"I thought I might find you here," she looked up to see Mark enter the gallery, pulling her out of her thoughts as he sat beside her, "You had lunch yet?"

She shook her head, "I'm not that hungry, I'll eat when I get home."

"You're never hungry nowadays," he pointed out, sitting back in the seat he was in, not particularly interested in the operation being performed below.

With a shrug of her shoulders, she retorted, "I've never really been a hungry person," she paused a moment before continuing her point, "I just ate more because I wasn't eating for just myself for a while."

Mark peered over at her, her attention on the surgery below. She hadn't referred to her pregnancy since the incident, but he didn't point it out. "You still need to eat though, you're visibly losing weight, if it were possible."

At his comment she turned to look at him, practically snapping at him, "I do eat, Mark, I'm just not constantly stuffing my face and would prefer to eat at home where half the hospital isn't watching me."

He didn't have a response to this, he had noticed the few looks she was still getting two weeks after the fact, as though they were waiting for her to have a breakdown of some sort. "As long as you're eating," his gaze moved to his phone where he was messaging away to someone.

"What's going on with you, then?" She asked, looking back down into the operating room where Bailey was finishing up, supervising a resident with the closure of her patient's incision site.

"I met someone," he said, sounding distracted as he typed away.

"You met someone?" she asked in almost disbelief, looking back at him as he typed away on his phone, "Like a one-night thing? A one-week thing?"

"Well, it's almost a one-week thing," he said, chuckling at her reaction, "I like her, okay? I think she's good for me."

"Well, I'll have to meet her then. Anyone who can keep you focused on a single woman for almost one week must be special," she said, teasing him and then narrowed her eyes, "She is single this time, isn't she?"

He chuckled at her teasing, glad to hear the animation in her voice, "Yes, she is. Come to Joe's tomorrow night, I'll bring her along."

She thought over the proposition for a moment, she hadn't been anywhere but him and the hospital, and maybe the store a few times, in the past three weeks. Maybe it would be nice to get out a bit. She'd have to try and see if she could get around Finn. She might have to take him with her. She nodded with a small smile, "I'll have to see, I'll try to be there."

* * *

She took a deep breath before she spoke, standing in the kitchen again with Finn, "Mark wants to meet at Joe's, meet a girl he's met. He thinks she was the one, or something," she shrugged with a hollow laugh.

He didn't look up as he spoke, focused on the meal he was making himself, "I'll meet you there, what time?"

She thought for a moment before answering. Maybe she could have an hour to herself without him there, it's not like he'd know, "Meeting them at 8, after work." He nodded as a sign of acknowledgement, clearly not about to continue any conversation with her. She turned around and walked away, off to take up her place on the couch.

* * *

She sat at the bar with Cristina as they waited for Mark to show you up with the woman who had apparently changed him for the better. Her eyes wandered around the bar, fingers tapping against the glass in her hand, unable to shake the memory of the night she met Derek in the bar.

"You seem distracted," Cristina pointed out, pulling Meredith from her thoughts.

She looked over to her friend, "I'm just," she waved her hand a little bit in the air as she tried to put the words together, "I can't stop thinking about Derek, and my husband will be joining us shortly."

Cristina didn't seem too shocked about this revelation, and simply shrugged, "Just speak to him, the husband part… I make no comment."

Meredith downed the rest of her drink before she spoke again, "Easier said than done."

"Take the leap," she suggested, signalling for another round of drinks from the bartender.

Meredith was about to make a comment, something along the lines of how Cristina had said something similar in med school, and then Mark approached them, a slim brunette girl stood beside him, seemingly nervous as Mark spoke, "Meredith, you made it!"

She raised an eyebrow at him and scoffed a little, "You thought I wouldn't be here? Alcohol is a great painkiller, Sloan."

Mark chuckled, ordering a drink for himself and the mysterious girl, "I'm sure it is, Mer. Now, I want to introduce you both to Lexie," he gestured to the girl stood beside him and then back to them, "And this is Meredith, and her… person? Cristina."

Cristina gave a half smile, not really interested, "Nice to meet you, I need to go pee," she said as she stood up off the stool and went to the toilets.

Meredith looked at the girl in front of her, something seemingly familiar about her but not able to quite but her finger on it. She shrugged it off and picked up her and Cristina's drink, "Let's get a table." She stood up and headed over to a booth, trying to hide the slight wince as she sat down, but Mark didn't miss it even if he didn't comment.

"We need another chair," Mark said as Lexie sat down across from Meredith and he pulled over a chair to the end of the booth.

"Expecting someone?" Meredith asked, raising her eyebrows as she took a sip from her drink. Her curiosity piqued when Mark looked at her sheepishly, sitting down at the booth as Cristina joined them again, sitting beside Meredith.

Just as Meredith started to realise what was happening, Derek joined the group, and her face dropped. He sat in the chair Mark had pulled over and gave them all a small smile, "Hey guys."

Mark grinned, trying to ease the somewhat tension that was in the air, "Lexie, this is Derek, Derek this is Lexie."

"Good to meet you, Lexie," Derek offered before taking a sip of his drink. Mark had told him Meredith might be there, but he obviously hadn't told Meredith that he would be there.

Cristina returned and a conversation had started up among them, Meredith was not an active participant in the conversation, however. She was too busy avoiding Derek's gaze, and simultaneously trying to figure out why this Lexie looked so familiar to her. When she finished her drink, she excused herself from the table to go up to the bar.

She ordered herself a club soda, anticipating Finn's arrival shortly as the time approached 8pm. She felt Derek's presence come up beside her as he ordered another drink for himself. He turned looked to her, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she answered him in a quiet voice, her fingers tapping against the bar.

"How's work?" he said, trying to start a conversation with her, just to talk to her again.

She sighed softly before turning to look at him, "We don't need to do this, Derek."

He moved a little closer to her, "I thought we could still be friends, Meredith." The way he said her name had her stomach doing flips and she looked to the floor as she bit her lip, no response for his statement. They were handed their drinks and Meredith looked up as she took a sip of hers and Derek spoke again, "Should you be drinking on pain meds?"

She shook her head, "I'm not taking them anymore, and this is a club soda," she gave him a small smile. She heard the bell off the door for the bar ring and took a step back from Derek, noticing their closeness as she looked up to the newcomer.

"Meredith," Finn eyed the drink in her hand as he approached the pair, and his arm slid around her waist, in a motion that felt more like he was claiming her, as he pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

She gave him a small smile, her heart hammering in her chest, "You remember Dr Shepherd? He's Mark's childhood friend."

Before hands could be shook, Derek took his drink from the bar, giving Finn a slight nod before heading back to the booth where Mark and Lexie sat. he sat in the corner of the booth where Meredith had previously been sitting, "What is _he_ doing here?"

Mark shrugged, "I didn't know he was coming. Honestly, I'm not surprised. I was surprised to see her here on her own."

Lexie looked between them both, her brow furrowed, "Am I missing something?" Her gaze moved over to where Mark was looking, a quiet, almost cold conversation between Meredith and Finn taking place by the bar.

Mark looked back at her and shook his head, "It's not… she just, it's not our story to tell, I guess." He looked up to Derek who stayed sat there, his hand gripped on the glass in front of him.

Meredith walked back over to the booth, Finn followed close behind her, "Where did Cristina go?"

"She got paged, had to get to the hospital," Mark told her, his gaze resting on Finn for a moment, "Finn, this is Lexie."

Finn gave a curt nod, "Nice to meet you," he sat in the booth beside Derek as Meredith took the chair Derek previously sat in, placing her drink on the table in front of her as an awkward silence spread among them.

Meredith took another sip of her drink before looking up at Lexie, wanting to break through the tension. She was still unable to shake the sense of familiarity as she spoke, "So, what do you do?"

Lexie looked up at her, a little wide-eyed, "Oh, I'm a fifth-year resident at Mercy West. Looking at fellowships for next year," she said the last part with a small, nervous smile, everyone's attention on the two of them as they spoke.

"Oh, what's your speciality?" Meredith asked, somewhat genuinely interested to know more about the girl.

Lexie's smile got a bit wider as she spoke about her specialty, "I'm specialising in neurosurgery," her attention turned to Derek, "You're head of Neuro at Seattle Grace, right?"

Derek nodded with a polite smile, "Yeah, have you been looking into our fellowship?"

Meredith tuned out a little from the conversation as they spoke about the fellowship. Mark's eyes gave her a questioning glance as she found herself staring a little too intently at Lexie and she caught his gaze. Mark's head cocked to one side as their gaze met and Meredith shrugged a little before turning her attention back to her drink.

As her eyes bore into the liquid in the glass, suddenly the pieces fit together and she had the sudden urge to remove herself from the situation, finally realising who the girl sat across from her at the table might be. She felt Finn's hand squeeze her thigh and she looked over at him unable to hide the slight panic in her eyes. His touch didn't calm her, it only agitated her further.

"Is everything okay?" He asked, eyeing her as he noted the look in her eyes.

She nodded and looked back over at Lexie, "I'm sorry, I just feel like I know you from somewhere."

Lexie looked thoughtful for a moment as she studied Meredith again, almost as though she was looking closer at her, "Now that you say it… Oh," a look of realisation washed over Lexie, "I know who you are." Her eyes looked at the questioning looks around her and noticed Meredith's discomfort as she also seemed to realise, "Can we speak more privately?"

Meredith looks to Finn, who simply nodded, also curious as to what seemed to be going on as Mark stood to let Lexie out. Meredith followed Lexie outside the bar, and Lexie didn't miss the way Meredith's body appeared to relax a little but didn't comment. There was a more pressing issue.

Meredith spoke first, "Your father is Thatcher Grey?"

Lexie nodded, "Yeah, and I'm assuming he's your father too, right? You're that Meredith? I thought you were in Boston?"

"I moved here a few months ago, and he's not my father, I mean, biologically, yes," Meredith started to say, but they were interrupted as Derek came through the door of the bar, almost slamming it open, making Meredith jump.

He took Meredith's hand and moved to the side with her, leaving Lexie on her own with a questioning look. "That man killed our child and I will not stand by making polite small talk with him."

She just about recovered from the shock to respond to him, "What the hell are you…? I didn't even know _you_ were going to be here! Do you think I want to sit here, making polite conversation with you when it's _my_ fault?!"

Derek took in what she was saying and took a breath, releasing her hand as he spoke in a low voice, "I know you're lying I know he hurt you, and I don't know why, because he doesn't deserve to have you lying for him."

She leant back against the wall, glancing over at Lexie who was still stood there. She looked back to Derek, the pain apparent in his eyes, "I'm sorry, Derek, I'm sorry."

He watched as she started to cry in front of him, clearly at her breaking point. He stepped forward and took her in his arms, holding her close as she cried against him, and any anger he was feeling fell away as his hand rubbed her back with a soft murmur, "It's not your fault, Meredith, it's not…"

She shook her head and eventually pulled away from his embrace, wiping at her eyes, "I have to go, I have to… Don't worry about me," she said as she stood up off the wall, her hands now going into her pockets.

"I'll always worry about you, Meredith," he told her in a soft voice, the only indication that she'd heard him being the small smile that played on her lips before he turned around and walked away.

She turned and took a few breaths before walking back over to Lexie, "Is everything okay?"

She nodded giving her a half-smile, "Look, I have a lot… there's a lot and I don't have family, I don't do family. Thatcher isn't my father. I don't have any sisters."

Lexie nodded in understanding, but slight disappointment, "Okay, I'm sorry. We should go back."

Meredith nodded and took another breath before heading back inside. She slid back in the seat beside Finn whose arm slid around her, "Everything okay?" Meredith nodded as Lexie sat back down, "We should be heading home, I think, I have a plane to catch in the morning."

Meredith's head lifted at this new information, "Plane?"

Finn gave her a hard look, "We'll talk in the car."

She nodded and stood back up again, and Finn followed her, "See you guys," she gave them a small smile as Mark eyed her suspiciously and she shook her head a little, and then left the bar with Finn.

Mark looked at Lexie as she spoke, "Is she okay?"

"She has a lot going on," Mark answered, "Should be okay though, I hope, Meredith kind of acts on impulse sometimes," he gave a small laugh, trying to hide the slight worry he was feeling for her, but his attention was drawn by Lexie's next statement.

"She's my sister, Mark, my half-sister."

* * *

Meredith and Finn walked in silence the whole way to the car, and once sat inside Finn turned to her, "It was him wasn't it? Shepherd?"

She tensed up at Finn's questioning, and refused to answer him. She spoke quietly, changing the subject, "Where are you going tomorrow?"

He let out a deep sigh, running his hand through his hair as he spoke, "I'm going back to Boston, Meredith. We live in a constant state of silence, and you don't even sleep in the same bed as me anymore. And I have to get back to the practice."

She stayed silent as he started the drive home, her fingers tapping against her leg in slow movements. As they turned on to the street, she found the courage to speak again, "Are you going to sign the papers?"

He pulled up on the pavement outside the house and they both got out of the car. He walked round to her side, where tears had begun to fall down her face. She flinched slightly as two of his fingers pushed her chin so that she was looking up at him. There was almost a sadness in his eyes, a hint of remorse. "I never meant to hurt you, Meredith."

She rolled her eyes and scoffed, turning her head to the side and stepping back from him, "You're joking, right?"

His hand slammed against the side of the car, anger surging through him and his voice raised, "You frustrate me so much, Meredith!"

She flinched, stepping back a little more, but her resolve didn't falter, "What, so you left me for dead at the bottom of the stairs?"

She'd never seen him flinch before, but her words made him flinch, "You… I panicked," his head dropped, "When I saw what I'd done, I hated myself."

"I put up with it, Finn. I loved you. I thought you might change. I believed you, every time. I did. But then you killed my child," she spat the words at him, "I can't put up with it anymore. I'd rather you had killed me."

"I wanted you to have my child, Meredith. You come here and let someone else get you pregnant? You didn't want my child _that_ much?" He was looking back at her now, anger clear in his expression as he spoke.

"Grow up, Finn. I didn't choose anything. I haven't been taking contraception for two years," she rolled her eyes at him with a bitter laugh. She felt the rain start to fall around them, but neither moved from where they were stood.

"Really? Then how come you didn't get pregnant? Why now?" He spat back at her, moving slightly closer, which only made her step back, keeping the distance between them.

"How did you even become a doctor?" She shook her head as she spoke, the rain coming down harder now, "Newsflash, Finn. There's nothing wrong with me. You're clearly shooting blanks!"

Her eyes widened as he moved toward her again, faster this time and before she could react his hand grabbed her hair, slamming her face against the side of the window as spoke between gritted teeth, "You little bitch."

She felt pain searing from her nose and the wetness of the blood flowing from her nostrils, the bitter taste of iron in her mouth. Her hand went to cover her face and she grit her teeth through the pain. Finn backed up immediately, realising what he had done, yet again. She looked up at him, tears stinging her eyes and her face throbbing in pain, "Go. Go back to Boston, sign the damn papers, and leave me the hell alone. I'm not your damn punching bag anymore."

She moved past him, grabbing her bag that had fallen to the floor while keeping her hand against her face as she went inside the house, water and drops of blood trailing on the floor. She headed straight to the kitchen for a towel, holding it to her face to try and soak up some of the blood, the adrenaline she felt masking most of the pain for now. She didn't look back to see where he went.

She picked her phone up out of her bag calling Mark's number, sighing in relief as he answered, "Can you come get me?"


	8. Speak Up

**Don't let fear keep you quiet. You have a voice, so use it. Speak up. Raise your hands. Shout your answers. Make yourself heard. Whatever it takes, just find your voice and when you do, fill the damn silence.**

* * *

She sat on the front step of her porch, waiting for Mark to arrive. The adrenaline previously coursing through her veins had now subsided and she was feeling the full extent of the pain from her suspected broken nose. She was sure a bruise was beginning to form on her face as she held a frozen bag of peas to her face, the pain making her irritable and impatient.

Eventually, Marks car pulled up and she stood up, feeling a little dizzy as she held on to the porch railing. He got out of the car and made his way to her, "What the hell happened to you, Grey?"

She groaned softly as the loudness of his voice aggravated her pre-existing headache, "I think it's broken, and I'd really like something for the pain, preferably morphine."

She pulled the frozen peas from her face as he examined her injury, and he nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I'm going to have to reset that," she groaned at his words, knowing how painful that was going to be, "I'll put you to sleep while I do it, and we'll get you some painkillers."

"Fine, I don't want anyone else to see me, though. Just you, and Cristina," she gave him as serious a look as she could manage before wincing in pain again.

"Come on, let's go. By the way, Lexie is in the car," she groaned softly but followed him anyway, the pain was too much right now for her to be bothered. She let Mark lead her to the car and she got in the back seat, avoiding Lexie's concerned gaze, she tilted her head back against the headrest as Mark drove to the hospital.

After what felt like the longest car journey she'd ever taken, the car finally stopped, and she got out with Mark's help before he took her into the ER. He grabbed a chart from the admission desk, letting them know he'd be handling it and to page Cristina to the exam room.

Cristina had just been to update her patient's family, escaping before she could be engulfed with unwanted physical contact. Just as she was walking away, she heard the familiar beeping of her pager, sending her down to the ER in seconds with just one name, _Meredith._

She burst into the exam room, her eyes taking in the scene around her. Lexie sat quietly in a chair to one side, while Mark was fussing over a patient, getting an IV in. And then she saw the particular patient.

"Meredith? What the hell happened?" She demanded of her friend.

A grin crept across Meredith's lips as she saw Cristina, "Cristina! You're here!"

Cristina rolled her eyes at her friend, obviously having been administered morphine by Mark. She moved to the side of the bed that Mark had just vacated, who had moved to stand by Lexie, "Mer, what the hell happened?" She repeated herself.

Meredith began _giggling._ She hadn't seen her friend on morphine before and couldn't help rolling her eyes at the reaction it was giving her, and Meredith spoke between bouts of laughter, "I… walked into the cupboard!"

Even doped up on painkillers, she could tell Meredith was lying. She glanced over at Mark, narrowing her eyes at him to try and get some more information but he simply shrugged and spoke to Meredith, "I'll be back, need to get an OR booked for you." Lexie stood and he left the room with her, knowing anything could come out of Meredith's mouth at this point.

Cristina turned back to Meredith now, who was still laughing to herself a little, "Are you going to tell me the truth Meredith? Where's Finn?"

Meredith's eyes widened, as though she was remembering something, but the amusement didn't leave her expression. She crossed her arms over her chest, feeling proud of herself as she spoke, "I told him he was shooting blanks, he was _really_ mad," Meredith followed up her confession with another giggle.

Cristina's eyes widened slightly in alarm, as she now looked over Meredith's injuries a little closer, "He hit you?"

Meredith shook her head as she spoke, "Nope," she popped the 'p', "he just shoved me against the car," she shrugged and lay back against the pillows, closing her eyes as exhaustion seemed to hit her.

Cristina took her hand and squeezed gently, needing to get more information before she fell asleep, "Meredith, where is Finn now?"

Meredith's head turned to the side, away from Cristina, but she allowed her hand to be held still, she murmured softly, "I don't know, Boston, I guess. He said he's going," her voice trailed off as the pain medication started to take over her consciousness, "said he isn't coming back." Cristina sighed softly, staying beside Meredith's bedside, not willing to leave her alone just in case Finn hadn't actually left.

Shortly after Meredith had fallen asleep, Mark returned to the room with Lexie, "She's booked in for the OR in an hour, Yang."

Cristina simply nodded in response not saying anything, so Mark continued, "Did she tell you what happened?"

She turned to look at him with an annoyed expression on her face, "I'll talk to you about it later, it should be up to Meredith whether Lexie knows or not, you know she's not a family-friendly person."

Lexie looked between the two, "I can go, if you guys need to talk."

Mark hesitated for a moment, before agreeing with Cristina and turned to Lexie passing her his car keys, "Here, go back to mine, I'll see you there later on. I shouldn't be too long, a couple hours maybe."

Lexie nodded, giving Mark a quick kiss before leaving the room, leaving Cristina and Mark alone with a sleeping Meredith. Mark moved to stand on the other side of Meredith's bed, "We need to go take her up to pre-op, you got any interns in that can keep quiet? Best if Derek doesn't know she's here."

Cristina nodded in agreement, pulling her phone out to page her best resident that she knew would be able to keep quiet before looking back up at Mark, "It was Finn, from what I gathered, they had an argument and he smashed her face into the car," her voice broke a little as she spoke, and looked back to Meredith, "This shouldn't have happened again to her. She's broken enough, and now she's got one of the most obvious injuries. I could kill him."

"You're not the only one. Did she say where he is now? I know he was on about getting a plane to Boston in the morning when we were at Joe's," Mark's gaze also fixed on Meredith as she spoke.

"She just said he was going back to Boston, said he wasn't coming back," Cristina shrugged a little, "Hopefully he isn't coming back."

* * *

After returning to the hospital, Derek had been pulled into an emergency craniotomy as he walked through the ER after leaving Joe's and was happy to distract himself with it. Coming out of the scrub room, he gave after care instructions and set the ICP boundaries with his resident, and his eyes glazed over the OR board, his eye catching the name _Grey._ He did a double take and had a look properly at the entry. _Why was Meredith a patient?_ It had only been five hours since he'd left her outside the bar. He felt an anger building up inside him, looking at the procedure, a rhinoplasty with Sloan? He looked over to see they'd been in there for half an hour already, with up to two and a half hours left before they'd be done.

As he was about to make his way up to the viewing gallery, Cristina appeared in front of him. "Cristina! What happened with Meredith? Why is she in surgery?"

Cristina tried to wave him off, knowing it wasn't her place to speak about it without Meredith's permission, "She is a surgeon, you know?"

"I'm not dim, Cristina, I know she's a patient. What's going on?" Derek was becoming more infuriated now, impatient.

Cristina sighed and gave him a sympathetic look and minimal information, "Meredith will be fine, Mark just had to put her to sleep while he reset her nose."

"Why does he need to reset her nose? What happened?" Derek was pretty much demanding at this point to know what was going on.

"It's not my place to talk about it, just know that she is safe, okay? Now, leave Meredith alone unless she asks for you," Cristina went to move and Derek grabbed her arm, dropping it again when she glared at him.

"Where's Finn?" Derek spoke in a cold voice, spitting out Finn's name.

"I'm not completely sure, he said he was going to Boston, but we don't know if it'll be permanent," Cristina told him, "I have to go now. Maybe go get some sleep or something."

Cristina walked away without waiting for a response from him. Derek's hand dragged over his face as he let out a frustrated sigh before checking the time on his watch. He decided to try and follow Cristina's suggestion of going to get some sleep and made his way to the nearest on-call room.

* * *

After five hours of waiting, unable to get any sleep, he couldn't wait any longer to check on her and went off to find her. It didn't take long for him to find the room where she was sleeping, a fresh bandage over her nose and a definite bruise now formed under her eyes. His eyes examined her face, and down her body, just now seeing how she has been losing weight since her first 'accident' now that she was lay in the hospital bed, again.

His eyes checked the watch on his wrist, it was almost two in the morning. He walked over to the window, watching the rain come down under the car park floodlights a moment before he heard a soft groan coming from the bed. He turned around to look at her as she had started to wait. It was too late for him to leave the room and her eyes opened to look straight at him.

"What are you doing here, Derek?" Meredith murmured, closing her eyes again as she fell back against the pillow.

He moved a little closer to her bed as he spoke, "Wasn't it just seven hours ago I was telling you that I'll always worry about you?" He watched as her face flinched a little in pain and her hand pressed the button to administer more morphine, and a few tears escaped her closed eyes. He moved closer now, reaching his hand to gently push a few loose strands of her back out of her face, his fingers lingering against her skin, "Oh, Meredith…"

"Derek, you really should go," her voice broke a little as she spoke, his fingertips drifting down her cheek and then resting his hand on her shoulder. Her eyes opened and locked with his, and he could see the complete vulnerability in her expression.

"I'm not leaving you alone, Meredith, you're not doing this alone anymore," he leaned forward and pressed his lips against her forehead gently, lingering a moment before pulling back, "Go back to sleep, let me take care of you."

Her hand lifted across her chest to lay on his hand that still rested on her shoulder, giving it a weak squeeze before closing her eyes again. He twisted his fingers with hers and stayed beside her as she fell asleep again, feeling her fingers go slightly limp in his hand. He pressed another kiss to her forehead before sitting in the chair beside the bed, keeping her hand in his.

* * *

He woke to the feeling of fingers running through his hair, not even realising he'd fallen asleep with his head lay on the bed beside her. He looked up at her with a soft smile as she spoke, "You stayed."

"Mm, what time is it?" He asked her, as he pulled his wrist up to look at his watch, but she grabbed his hand to look at it instead with a soft grin on her lips.

"It's only 6am," she said with a shrug, still grinning at him as she laced her fingers through his.

He raised an eyebrow at her, "You're in a good mood, considering you had your nose broken and then reset last night."

"It might be the morphine," she laughed softly, "and honestly, it was _totally_ worth it."

His look remained inquisitive at her words, "What was worth it? What could possibly be worth a broken nose that resulted in surgery?"

She shuffled to the side to make space on the bed and patted beside her, "Sit with me, and I'll tell you all about it." He laughed softly with a slight shake of his head, getting up and sitting on the bed beside her, his arms sliding around her waist as she leaned back against him. He stayed quiet, allowing her to speak, "After you left last night, he told us that he was catching a plane in the morning, all moody-like, then we left. He said… actually no that bit doesn't matter," he saw something flash in her eyes at that point, but it had gone before he could decipher it and she continued speaking, "And then he said he was going back to Boston, and _then_ he said he didn't mean to hurt me," she rolled her eyes at his point, "something… snapped? Inside me. I don't know. Like this adrenaline rush out of nowhere. You know how many times I've heard those words leave his mouth? Every. Single. Time."

He gently held her a little closer as he felt her tense a little, his mind wondering how many times she'd been in the situation where he'd told her those words. As much as hearing the words she was saying angered him, he couldn't get angry around her. He couldn't do it to her. His attention didn't leave her as she continued speaking, relaxing again in his hold, but her expression sombre, "I said I wish he'd killed me, rather than just leaving me for dead. It just, it hurt so much." Her head rested against his chest, and he lifted one hand to stroke his fingers over her cheek, to try and comfort her somewhat, the best he could, "He accused me of purposefully not getting pregnant with his child, like I could control that. I hadn't been on any form of contraception for… two years, maybe? When we when… you and I, you know, I completely forgot. Maybe I was just too drunk," she giggled softly at the memory, but there was an emptiness in her laughter. The sound faded as she got lost in her thoughts a moment and he just waited for her to continue.

The quiet that enveloped them was so intense, he couldn't help but jump when a loud laughter escaped her lips and then she groaned in pain, clearly having strained herself too much. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head, murmuring, "What's so funny?"

She leant her head back to look up at him, her eyes giving away how tired she was, despite the animation in her voice, "I told him he was shooting blanks, he didn't like that. And now, my face is covered in bruises, my nose was broken and then reset, and I'm stuck in this hospital, _again,"_ she lowered her head against his chest, her eyes closing again. "And I definitely did not fall against the car."

His hand rubbed her back gently as he kept one arm around her, holding her close and not wanting to let go. He was angry at himself at this point, he should've been able to protect her from him. In that moment, he swore to himself that he would do anything to stop her from getting hurt again. His eyes watched her as her expression softened and her breaths came slower, indicating she had fallen asleep again, and eventually he followed.

* * *

When she woke again, she was alone in the small hospital bed. She sat up a little in the bed, looking around at her surroundings as she tried to shake the grogginess. The room itself was empty, but the door was ajar so she could hear the faint noises coming from the hallway. She could see from outside that it was at least morning by now, but she couldn't decipher what time exactly. She felt a little stiff, and the pain in her face had been obviously subdued by pain meds, but other than that she felt fine.

She pulled back the covers and moved so that she was sat on the edge of the bed before slowly lowering herself onto her feet. She took hold on the IV, wheeling it into the bathroom with her while she did her business and tried to freshen herself up somewhat. Looking in the mirror, she wasn't too surprised at the bruises that had formed under her eyes, and most likely covered her skin under the bandages. Dabbing her skin with a wet cloth, the cold water actually felt good and relieved some of the ache she still felt.

A moment later, she emerged from the bathroom and Cristina was sat on her bed waiting for her. She rose an eyebrow at her friend, "Cris, what are you doing here?"

"Am I not allowed to check up on you?" Cristina shrugged as Meredith walked across the room and sat on the bed beside her.

"Why are you so hell bent on babysitting me?" Meredith laughed a little, but realised the motion gave way to the ache in her nose.

"Why are you so hell bent on getting hospitalised all the time?" Cristina quipped back at her, narrowing her eyes at Meredith.

Sat on the bed beside her, she let out a soft sigh, "He's gone, Cris. You don't need to watch me like a hawk now."

"Is he actually gone, though? How do you know?"

"I just do, okay?" Meredith turned her head to look at her friend, "I know, I've been stupid. I shouldn't have… there's so many things I shouldn't have done. But it's done now, and he's gone, and with any luck I can just move on with my life."

Cristina's head turned towards the door and Meredith followed her gaze as Cristina murmured, "Speaking of moving on…"

Derek walked into the room as if on cue, "Oh, sorry, I'll come back."

As he turned to walk out the door, Cristina stood up, "Don't go, McDreamy, I was just stopping by before she escaped here again," she turned to Meredith as she approached the door, "Try and stay out of trouble, Meredith. I guess we'll see you back here in a week or so."

Meredith nodded as Cristina left the room and her gaze moved back to Derek standing by the end of the bed. She shifted so that she sat in the middle of the bed, biting her lower lip nervously. She knew he was there last night, but truth be told, she couldn't remember exactly what she had told him. Now, she just said the first thing that came to her mind, "I'm going home?"

Derek nodded, "Mark got pulled into a surgery this morning, but he said you can be discharged later this afternoon after he's checked you over, as long as the pain isn't too bad." She noted the caution in his movements as he moved closer and perched on the end of the bed, "How is the pain?"

Meredith shook her head a little, "It's not too bad right now, just a bit of an ache, I've gotten through worse," she gave a half-smile and began fidgeting with the hospital bracelet around her wrist, her eyes focused on it's movements, "You came back."

"Of course, I came back, Meredith," he shuffled a little closer as he reached his hand toward her, gently pushing her hair behind her ear before sliding his fingers under her chin. When he saw a slight panic flash in her eyes, he dropped his hand, thinking he'd taken it too far and muttered softly, "I'm sorry."

She looked up at him with watery eyes, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke, "No, no, I'm sorry. I just…" She shook her head a little, as though to shake the thought away and he watched her carefully, the realisation taking over that he would need to do this at her pace, he couldn't push her. She looked at him again before she spoke, "Derek, I do feel this… connection. I do. But I need time. Technically, I'm still married, and I know, I know it's over," she could see the hurt in his eyes, no matter how much he may have been trying to mask it, she released a soft sigh, "I just need a friend right now, okay? Can we do that?"

Derek nodded with a small smile, "I can do that, Meredith. I can be your friend. I'll wait for you to be ready; I promise."

"Thank you, Derek," she returned his small smile and reached her hand out to his, taking his hand in hers with a gentle squeeze, her free hand wiping away the tears that had formed under her eyes tentatively.

He gently squeezed her hand back, "As your friend, would you be okay if I stayed with you for a few days, while you recover? I can sleep on the couch, or something. I really don't want to leave you alone again. I'd hate myself if anything else happened to you."

Meredith thought for a moment as he spoke, focused on their hands entwined with one another's. As she made her decision, she looked up at him with a small smile, "I'd really appreciate that."

* * *

After being signed off and discharged by Mark later on that evening, and an agreement with Richard to take at least a week off, Derek drove Meredith home. Thankfully, Cristina had spare sweatpants and a jumper to lend her so that she didn't have to go back home in either her blood-covered clothes from the previous day, or her scrubs.

A breath she didn't even realise she was holding released as Derek pulled into her driveway, noticing the absence still of Finn's now dented car. She stepped out the car and headed to the front door with Derek close behind, unlocking the door for both of them. As she stepped inside, something felt different. She set the keys on the console table in the hall before walking through the downstairs rooms, Derek following fairly confused.

"What's wrong?"

"I just… a feeling, I can't describe it," she sighed softly and shrugged, "I'm just going to change and then we can… I guess order dinner in. Unless you can cook, because I definitely can't," she laughed softly as she headed to the stairs.

Derek set his bag down on the couch in her living room as he looked around the place properly, he hadn't been here since that first night she'd moved in. It definitely looked more lived in, and while a few changes had been made with furniture, and furnishings, there was still a lot that needed to be done.

He realised more than five minutes had passed when he checked his watch again and Meredith still hadn't come downstairs. He moved over to the stairs and started to make his way up, "Meredith?"

He looked down the hallway as he heard her voice, observing the multiple doors that lined the halls, showing the house was actually bigger than it seemed, "I'll be down in a minute, I'll see you in the kitchen."

He gave a reserved sigh, but did as he was told, making his way back downstairs and to the kitchen. He started to look through the cupboards and the fridge, managing to get ingredients together for a simple cheesy pasta, much like the one they had shares at his trailer. That felt like a lifetime ago. By the look of her cupboards, he could tell that she really didn't cook, as she'd told him previously. But then what did she eat? It didn't matter now. He could cook for her now, whether she liked it or not.

Shortly after he'd set the pasta to boil and made a start on the cheese sauce, she appeared at the doorway to the kitchen, having changed into pyjama bottoms and a ratty Dartmouth tee. He returned her soft smile as he mixed the sauce together in the saucepan. She moved further into the kitchen and sat at one of the stools, her eyes fixated on the pan in front of Derek, and he almost missed her quiet voice speaking, "He's definitely gone. His things are gone, all of them. He must've come back while I was at the hospital last night, or this morning."

"Is there anything I can do?" Derek didn't know how he was supposed to help, or if there was something he was supposed to do, so he figured he might as well ask at least.

She shook her head with a soft smile, "It's okay. I just had to change the sheets, move some things around. I haven't slept in my own bed since, well before my first hospital stay. I was sleeping on the couch."

He gave her a sympathetic smile, but she simply shook her head again so he returned to his cooking, "I saw you have some wine in the fridge, but maybe no alcohol on those pain meds, hm?"

She laughed softly with a slight wince, "Maybe not. I should have juice somewhere round here." She got up from the stool and went into what he assumed to be the pantry, before re-emerging with a carton of tropical juice, "Do you want some? Or do you want the wine?"

"I'll have some juice, I think," he lifted the pan from the stove he'd just switched off, pouring out the hot water before returning the pan to the stove to mix in the cheese sauce. As he did this, she grabbed two clean glasses from the dishwasher, pouring them each a glass of the juice before returning to her stool, placing his glass in front of the seat beside her.

Derek watched as Meredith sat sipping at her juice, seemingly deep in thought with her gaze focused on the pasta in the pan. He turned the heat off on the stove, before realising he wasn't sure where the bowls were. "Mer?" He tried to grab her attention, but when she didn't respond he moved around to her and touched a hand to her shoulder gently, "Meredith?"

At the intrusion to her thoughts, she jumped slightly at his touch and he immediately dropped his hand as she looked up at him, "Sorry, I just…"

"It's okay," he gave her a warm smile, "I was just wondering where I could find bowls and forks?"

She returned his smile before stepping off the stool and grabbing the required items from the dishwasher, making a mental note to empty it afterwards. She set them on the side for him and returned to her stool, "There you go." She watched him carefully as he served the pasta between the two bowls and then passed one to her, "Thanks, Derek."

"It's no bother," he moved round to sit beside her, setting down his own bowl of pasta, "If you can't cook, what have you been eating?"

She shrugged as she forked a few pieces of pasta, "Normally I'd order in, or eat at the hospital, but I haven't been able to order in for a few weeks, and well, I've been avoiding the cafeteria at the hospital," she ate the pasta she'd pierced onto her fork, savouring the taste as she did so, "This is good. Anyway, the vending machine appears to be my new best friend."

"Well, I'll have to do something about that," when she narrowed her eyes at him, he added, "as your friend, it's my duty to make sure you have a balanced diet."

She laughed softly and shook her head as she ate some more of the pasta, offering no further comment and they continued to eat in silence. With her bowl mostly empty, she stood and took his empty bowl and set them beside the sink. She picked up her glass and finished off the juice before speaking again, "You can stay in the guest room, rather than the couch, by the way. From personal experience, it's really not good for your back."

"Okay, well I have the day off tomorrow but then I have to go back in because Nelson goes on leave," he gave her a small smile and stood up from his stool "I'll just grab my bag and take it up."

"I'll show you which room, there are a few," she said with a small laugh, "I don't understand why my mother bought such a big house with Thatcher, she had zero intention of filling the rooms."

Derek laughed softly with her, if not just happy to hear her laugh, and grabbed his bag before following her up the stairs and into one of the guest rooms. Plainly decorated, simple. He set his bag on the bed and turned to look at her as she stood in the doorway.

"The bathroom is at the end of the hall, and my room is opposite the bathroom, if you need anything," she gave him a small smile, "Feel free to grab a shower, I'm going to go and tidy in the kitchen."

"I can do that, Meredith, you should rest," he furrowed his brow at her suggestion, but she just shook her head at him.

"No, I need to keep busy a little while longer, you cooked anyway, and you're a guest," she grinned softly, but it didn't quite reach her eyes, before turning round and heading back down the stairs. He sat on the bed and released a heavy sigh. He had to keep reminding himself that she needed her independence. He got up off the bed and went to get himself cleaned up and ready for bed.

* * *

She didn't know what time it was when she woke, but it was still dark outside. She could feel a shiver running through her body and the sticky sensation from the layer of sweat that coated her, signifying she had some form of nightmare, not that she could even remember it in that moment. A movement at the door caught her eye and her breath caught in panic as her eyes dared to look over. Realising who was stood there, she released the caught breath, "Derek, what are you doing?"

"Are you okay?" He furrowed his brow as he moved closer to her side of the bed, and she started to sit up a little, trying to calm the shaking in her hands from adrenaline still coursing through her veins caused by the nightmare she couldn't remember.

"Why are you in here, Derek?" She asked again and her hand rose to her mouth as she coughed a little and he sat beside her feet.

"I heard, Meredith, you were shouting…" he gave her that pity look again, and she looked down at the sheets covering her, pulling them closer to her body as she still felt a chill.

"I'm sorry, you can go back to bed, I'm fine," she looked up and managed to give him a half smile to reassure him, but he was far from reassured.

"What can I do to help?" she could see the genuine concern in his eyes, a look that actually made her feel safe, a look she vaguely remembered when he'd practically held her hostage in his office. She could see that he cared, and she could tell herself that he cared, and he could tell her that he cared, but her brain just wasn't processing this information. Why should anyone care about her?

She shook her head and climbed out of the bed on the opposite side to where he was sat, "I'm just gonna shower, and I'll be okay." She felt his eyes on her still as she walked into the adjoining bathroom, locking the door behind her as she prepared to take a shower.

The warm water splashing against her back calmed her tense muscles somewhat, but not completely. She had started remembering bits of her nightmare, as much as she tried not to think about it. She didn't know if Derek would still be waiting for her when she left the bathroom, and if he was waiting there still, it would probably help her case if she didn't look like she was on the edge of a breakdown.

Eventually, she stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself, noting she'd managed to not get the bandage that still covered her nose wet at any point. She looked at herself in the mirror a moment, recognising the slight hollowness in her face before as she took a deep breath. When she stepped out of the bathroom, she breathed a sigh of relief as she noticed Derek wasn't sat on her bed anymore.

Her eyes glanced at the time on the clock that sat on her bedside table, realising it was almost dawn, before grabbing her comfortable lounge pants to wear with an oversized jumper. Just as she had pulled the jumper over her head, she heard a soft knock on her door and opened the door to find Derek stood there, dressed, with a warm coat on. She quirked an eyebrow at his appearance.

"Do you want to come and watch the sunrise?" He gave her a soft grin as he spoke, and she eyed him cautiously a moment. At her expression, he added a further explanation, "The view from my land, it's something you should see, and I didn't think you'd be going back to sleep anytime soon."

She pressed her lips together a moment as she deliberated and stepped back a little. After a moment of silence, she shrugged and nodded a little, speaking in a quiet voice, "Okay, yeah, that sounds good."

She stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her before walking in front of Derek down the stairs and into the hallway. She opened her closet and slipped her trainers on before grabbing her coat, Derek stood to one side while he waited for her. When she was ready, he gave her a small smile and spoke in a quiet voice, "Do you want to take anything with us? I have coffee and stuff at the trailer."

"Just coffee will be good for me," she returned his small smile as she grabbed her house keys off the side, "Do you want to drive? I don't think I'm allowed to yet," she released a short, quiet laugh.

"Don't worry, I'll drive," he followed her out the door and went to the car to open it up while she locked up the house. He opened the passenger side door for her and waited as she climbed in and closed the door behind her before climbing in the driver's side.

He started the engine but didn't start driving yet. Instead, he turned to look at Meredith who was focused on the greenery of her front lawn out the window. He spoke in a quiet voice, "If you need to talk about it, I'm here. Whether you want to talk or not, I'll be here, okay?" he watched as she stayed quiet, her gaze fixed as she nodded a little in understanding, and he started driving to the ferry terminal.

Just under half an hour later, they were docked on the early morning ferry. As he turned the engine off, he turned back to Meredith who was still looking out the window, and he could see the tiredness in her face. He stopped himself reaching a hand to her, not wanting to make her uncomfortable, "Do you want to go up on the deck, or stay in the car?"

His voice pulled her out of her reverie, and she turned to look at him, and he could see her processing his words a moment. She unfastened her seatbelt and nodded her head as she spoke quietly, "I want some fresh air."

He got out of the car with her and they walked side-by-side to the upper deck. The early morning wind whipped through their hair, and Derek watched Meredith carefully as she tied her hair up into a ponytail to keep it out of her face. They stood by the railing in silence as the ferry moved slowly across the choppy water, the waves hitting up against the sides of the boat. Derek glances to Meredith a moment, seeing her eyes closed as her hands gripped the railing in front of her, noticing the slight purpling of her hands in the morning cold. He cautiously moved a little closer and spoke in a soft voice, but loud enough for her to hear, "Mer, give me your hands."

Her eyes opened and she looked at him curiously before looking down at her own hands, just know feeling the bite of the cold on her fingers. She released her grip and held her hands out to Derek who took them in his own, covering her dainty fingers with his gloved hands to provide warmth to them. A soft murmur escaped her lips as her gaze was fixed on their hands together, "Thanks, I forget how cold it can be of a morning."

"Do you want to take my gloves?" He offered, keeping a hold of her hands in his.

She shook her head a little, "No, it's okay. This is good." She looked up at him and gave him a small smile. He returned her smile before slowly manoeuvring them so that her back was against his with his arms around her waist, still holding onto her hands. "That's even better," he just about caught her voice as a gale of wind swept by them.

He held her close against him as the ferry travelled across the river, his chin lightly resting on the top of her head as they stood in silence. Eventually, the ferry reached the receiving dock, and Derek reluctantly lowered his arms from around her, keeping hold of one of her hands, "Let's get back to the car." She nodded and allowed him to lead her back to the car.

* * *

A short while after, they found themselves sat side by side, a small distance between them, near the edge of the cliff, overlooking the fields below, the sun beginning the rise amongst faraway hills. Meredith's gaze was focused on the orange-tinted light of the sun as it rose, a mug of hot coffee clasped in her hands on her lap. She brought the mug to her lips with a soft murmur, still entranced by the rising sun, "It's beautiful."

Derek broke his gaze off the horizon to glance at Meredith as she sipped on the coffee, aware of the way the emerging sunlight reflected in her eyes. His breath caught, because regardless of the bandages, and the bruising on her face, she was still beautiful, and he couldn't imagine why anyone would ever hurt her. At that thought, his grip tightened on his mug as an anger start to rise in him.

A change in the atmosphere between them, a tension Meredith couldn't quite place, she turned to meet his gaze with a perplexed look on her face as she studied his expression, and she whispered, "What's wrong?"

Her voice snapped him out of his angering thoughts and his face softened as he noticed the slight worry on her face, and he shook his head a little, "It's nothing, I'm okay, promise." He wasn't lying. Looking at her, concentrating on her, he was okay. And he felt all the better knowing she was safe here with him, in their hiding place. He gave her a warm smile, as though to try and convince her and in return, she gave a small shrug before sighing softly, taking another sip of her coffee, and turning to continue watching the sunrise.

They stayed in a comfortable silence for another ten minutes, until the sun had fully risen in the sky before them, coming out from behind the hills on the horizon. Meredith set her empty mug down in the grass in front of her before turning to Derek again, a wider smile on her face, "This did make me feel better, thank you."

He set his own empty mug down and moved a little closer to her, his arm moving around her waist as she leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder, "Any time, really. You can come here if you ever need it. I mean, I was hoping to start work on a house out here. It's something I've been thinking about for a while."

She kept her gaze on the scenery in front of them, happy to listen to him talking, "Since you came to Seattle?"

"Pretty much, I mean when I first moved here, I found the land, bought the trailer, and didn't really know what I was going to do with all this space. And then the idea just came to me a couple months ago, to be able to build the house I wanted…" he probably figured it would be better not to mention it was a thought he'd had when he'd met her on that first night, and was reinforced when she told him she was pregnant with their child.

"Quite the contrast from the New York lifestyle," she mused, looking up at his face to see him smiling down at her. The look in his eyes caused butterflies in her stomach and she had to shift her gaze back to look in front of them as to not get too lost in the moment. They needed to just stay friends. It was easier, and safer that way. That's what she'd keep telling herself, anyway. For some reason, her mind went back to the other night, when he'd come into her room after Mark had worked on her nose. She winced slightly at the memory and Derek's arm dropped from around her waist.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" He looked to her, a look of worry obvious in his eyes.

She shook her head as she stood up and walked a little distance away from him. Turning her head away as she felt ears start to fall down her cheeks involuntarily, "No, no."

He stood up, following behind her but allowing her to have some distance from him, "Meredith, what's wrong?"

She took a breath and wiped at the tears that had formed, the cold of her fingers catching her off guard slightly and causing her to wince again. She turned to face him, "I told you things, didn't I? Dammit, what did I tell you?"

He could see the frustration clear on her face as she spoke and he moved a little closer, a hand held out towards her as he spoke, "What do you mean? Told me what?"

She didn't take his hand, but kept her eyes on him, trying to control her breathing as she spoke, "About… about…" her hands gestured to the bandage on her face as she tried to articulate her words, "I wasn't supposed to tell _you."_

He moved closer and wrapped his arms around her, keeping a firm but gentle hold around her as she struggled a moment but then settled in his hold. She needed to calm down and his hold was actually helping, as much as part of her didn't want that affect. He spoke in a quiet voice as one hand gently rubbed up and down her back, "Do you want to know what you told me?" He felt the slight nod of her head, but she didn't speak. He lowered them to the floor and pulled her to sit between his legs as he kept his hold around her, and her head lay on his shoulder. He kept a quiet, gentle tone as he spoke, "You told me what happened after I left the bar. About the conversation you had with… him. You said he didn't hit you in the face, but you didn't fall against the car either, so I assumed he… he pushed you against the car, didn't he?" When she gave a slight nod, staying quiet, he continued, careful not to get angry as he held her. "You told me that he was gone, that he left to go back to Boston. He accused you of purposefully not getting pregnant with your child, you told me that. And you said, you said that you told him you'd rather he had killed you than left you for dead," his hold on her tightened slightly as he spoke the words, his voice lowering slightly, "You didn't specify what you meant by that, and you don't have to tell me but I have to ask, Meredith," he looked down as she looked up into his eyes, his brow furrowed, one hand reached to gently touch his fingers against her cheeks, "He caused the 'accident', didn't he? You didn't, you didn't fall down the stairs, did you?"

Her face turned away from him as her eyes filled with tears, her voice breaking as she spoke, "Derek… I'm sorry. For everything. I pulled you right into this mess and I shouldn't have, I knew I shouldn't have. That's why I distanced myself from you, that first week I was here. But then, that weekend happened, and I thought, for a moment I thought it would be okay, you know?" She looked back at him, the tears streaming down her cheeks once more, "I wish I'd never gone back for that weekend. I wish I'd just told Richard what was going on from the start, he never would have found me. Maybe we could be happy, maybe. I've made this all so much worse than it ever needed to be," she lay back against him as his arms held her close and the sobs started to take over her body. All he could do was hold her, comfort her the best he could. He didn't even know what to say.


	9. Happy Alone?

**There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone because what if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage, it's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.**

* * *

He sat on the grass with her in his lap, holding her close against him as her tears continued to fall, until her sobs started to quieten. He kept his chin resting on top of her head, one hand gently rubbing up and down her back as he comforted her. Eventually, he felt her breaths coming slower and he glanced down at her to see she had supposedly exhausted herself into sleep. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head and sighed.

The sun had risen considerably by this point, but it was still quite early in the morning according to the watch on his wrist. As clouds threaten to break above them, making sure to keep his movements slow, he slid one arm under her legs and kept the other securely around her waist as he moved to stand with her, doing his best not to jostle her. She only stirred a little, her hand clutching against his coat and gripping on tight as he carried her sleeping form to the trailer.

Somehow, he managed to get the door open and he took her inside. As he went to lay her on the bed, her grip on him tightened and he couldn't part himself from her, although he was aware that he'd have to remove their coats to avoid any overheating. The last thing she needed was to get sick. He lay on the bed with her, keeping his arm around her as he slowly and carefully unzipped her coat, and then his own. Her hand still gripped to the lapel of his coat, so he carefully replaced the fabric in her hand with his own hand after taking his arm out of the sleeve.

Thankfully, she stayed asleep as he managed to manoeuvre them both out of their coats. He continued to hold her close and focused on the slow rhythm of her breathing, his fingers absent-mindedly playing with the ends of her hair still in the ponytail. His eyes closed as he pressed his lips to her forehead, inhaling her familiar lavender scent.

He didn't know how much time had passed, he only knew it had when he opened his eyes again and she was facing away from him, clutching at the sheets beneath them, his arm still around her middle as they lay in the bed together. At some point in the morning, the heavens had opened, and he could hear the light tapping of the rain against metal walls of the trailer. He lifted his arm off her to check the time on his watch, it was almost midday. He wasn't even sure he had anything in that he could make them to eat, so they'd probably have to head back to the city once she woke.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as she stirred a little in his arms, and he noticed the change in her pattern of breathing as she started to wake, a soft mumble escaping her lips that he couldn't quite decipher. His hand reached for hers, momentarily forgetting that she might be a little disoriented and jumpy.

She felt groggy and sluggish as she became conscious again and blinked a couple times not registering where she was. And then she felt the warmth behind her, and she tensed. _Had he come back?_ When she felt a hand touch hers and suddenly, she sat up, slightly distancing herself from the person lay beside her. At the sudden motion, she felt the blood rush to her head, and she felt dizzy. She groaned and held a hand to the side of her head, closing her eyes.

"Meredith?" When she heard his voice, and finally registered it was Derek who was beside her, and they were in his trailer she lay back against the pillows with her eyes still closed, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she spoke in an almost whisper, "I just, I forgot where we were." She lay still with her eyes closed as she waited for her heart to stop racing in her chest, and she could feel his eyes watching her.

"You fell asleep, so I brought you in here. Lucky, really as it started raining," as he said the words, she registered the patter of rain outside and nodded a little, her lips pressed together.

She eventually opened her eyes to look at him with a small, slightly pained smile at the slight throbbing in her face, "Mm, I'm sore. I should've brought those pain meds with me," she mumbled.

"I think I have some Advil," he offered, "I know it's not as strong as the prescribed stuff, but it might help until I can get you back home."

"Advil sounds good, I hate the prescribed stuff anyway, I hate feeling out of it," she sat up again, slowly this time, as he climbed off the bed to grab her a glass of water and the package of Advil out of one of the small kitchenette cupboards. She moved to the end of the bed as he returned to her and he sat beside her on the end of the bed, passing the glass of water and two Advil, "Thanks."

She took the tablets, swallowing them with one gulp of water, and then taking a few more sips as a silence settled between them. Her mind went back to the conversation they were having outside, and she cringed internally at having broken down in front of him. She really had to stop doing that.

She stood up from the bed, stretching out her back a little as she did so and passed the glass back to him. "What time is it?"

"It's just coming up to half twelve, is there anything you wanted to do today?"

She shook her head with a slight groan as she moved closer to the door of the trailer, passed where Derek sat at the table, "I wanted to be at work, getting on with my research. I'm so close to getting an actual trial together, and then crap keeps happening, and now I have to take a week off."

"Hm, most people would enjoy the week off," he pointed out.

She furrowed her brow as she turned to look at him, "I'm not most people."

"You certainly aren't," he mumbled softly and stood, walking over to her as she narrowed her eyes at him, trying to anticipate his movements as he pulled his coat on and handed hers to her.

She took it, putting it on as he reached for the door, "Derek, it's still raining outside." She looked out the door, seeing the rain pouring down outside still.

"I know, I figured if you want to work on your research, I could take you home… Richard doesn't have to know," he grinned softly at her.

She stepped out the door head of him, covered by the rain momentarily by his small porch while she waited for him to lock up the trailer. She pulled her hood up over her head, walking to the car with him and climbing in before they could get too wet from the rain.

An hour or so later, they arrived back at Meredith's house. As they approached, Meredith felt a kind of dread in the pit of her stomach. It wasn't that she thought anything bad was going to happen, it was more that the house just gave her bad memories, and she didn't like being there. It probably wasn't helping with her nightmares either.

"I need a new house," Meredith announced. "Sell this and find somewhere new to live."

Derek turned to look at her in the passenger seat with his brow furrowed, "Isn't this your mother's house?"

Meredith simply shrugged, "It's in my name now. Everything is, I took over power of attorney when I came back to Seattle." She unfastened her seatbelt and climbed out the car, with Derek quickly following suit. She pulled her keys out her coat pocket and went to unlock the door for them both, "Can you help me change these bandages?"

Derek walked into the kitchen, watching as she took out the fresh bandages, "Yeah, I can do." He walked round to sit beside her at the kitchen table. Her lips pressed together, and she closed her eyes as he carefully removed the bandages from around her nose, carefully inspecting Mark's handiwork, "Should be able to take your stitches out in a couple days." He used an antiseptic wipe to wipe around the area carefully, before replacing the bandage. "There we go, all sorted."

"Thanks, I think I'm going to head up to bed for a bit," she opened her eyes to look at him and he gave her a small smile.

"I'll be here if you need anything, okay?" He reached for her hand to give it a gentle squeeze.

She nodded, "Thanks, you don't have to stay, you know."

"I'll be here as long as you need me, go on up to bed you look exhausted," he pressed a kiss to her forehead before she stood up. She looked at him a moment as though she wanted to say something, but she simply shook her head a little and went up to bed.

* * *

It had been a long, boring week, and she was glad to be back in the hospital to work. She'd been by a few days prior to have her bandages taken off during a follow up with Mark, who had deemed her fit to return. She'd used the time off to start her search for somewhere new to live but had come up empty handed still. Derek was still staying on the couch in her living room and she didn't have the heart to tell him to leave and go back to his trailer, especially with the constant rain they were experiencing in Seattle.

They'd not spoken much since they got back from his trailer. She could tell something was bothering him and still feeling guilty about everything that had happened... she didn't push him about it. She'd given him the spare key, after getting the locks changed, only so she didn't have to get up and open the door every time he came back from work.

Their conversation has been mainly restricted to meaningless goings on in the hospital, and what they wanted for dinner the next night. Even on the night he'd been on call at the hospital, he'd made sure to leave her a meal to heat up to ensure she had something to eat. Was that normal for someone to do if they were upset with the other? Finn barely thought about leaving food for her if he wasn't home, even when he wasn't angry with her.

As she sat on the couch, swiping through house listings on the iPad, she came across a condo that caught her eye. Open space, floor-length windows. Two stories, with the upper floor over-looking the lower floor. A balcony attached to the master bedroom, and a smaller second bedroom that could be used as an office, maybe? She was so engrossed in looking through the pictures, she didn't hear Derek coming in the house.

"Hey," Derek called out to her from the hall.

She jumped a little at his voice as he walked into the living room, looking up at him from the iPad, "Hey, good day?"

"Slow day," he shrugged, "Are you coming back tomorrow?"

She grinned softly and nodded, "Finally, I'm going stir crazy here," she looked back down at the iPad, bringing up the contact info for the estate agent, sending them a quick email for further information and arrange a viewing.

"What have you been up to today?" He sat beside her on the couch, leaning back as he ran his hand over his face, seemingly exhausted for what he described as being a slow day.

"Not much, found this though, what do you think?" She passed the iPad over to him and he sat up a little as he had a look through the listing.

"This actually looks really good; it has everything you were looking for as well."

She nodded with a small grin on her face, "Yeah, and it isn't too far from the hospital either."

He passed the tablet back to her, smiling in response to her happiness, "It's nice seeing you happy, Meredith."

She took it from him, "I just can't wait to be rid of this place. Did you think any more of building that house you were telling me about?"

A dark look shadowed his eyes and he shook his head, "I've decided against it. Might just sell the land."

She furrowed her brow a little, "Oh, where are you going to live then?"

"I'll find somewhere, don't worry about me."

"You love that land though, and the trailer. It's just so… you," she shrugged as she stood up off the couch. "I heard from my lawyer this morning."

He stood up and they walked into the kitchen together, "Oh, yeah?" He walked over to the fridge and pulled out the leftover lasagne he'd made the previous day.

She sat on one of the stools as she watched him, "He's going ahead with the divorce, I might have to go to Boston in a few weeks to finalise everything, sign the final bits of paperwork."

"Why do you have to go to Boston? Surely, you don't even have to meet with him," Derek furrowed his brow, not understanding.

"Isn't that how all divorces work? Mediation and all of that, not that there's much mediation. I signed a prenup, and he did as well actually, my mother's insistence, only thing useful she's ever suggested. I went to see her the other day, still living the best day of her residency," she looked up at Derek who was watching her with an amused expression, "I'm starting to ramble again, aren't I?"

"Just a little bit," he put the lasagne in the oven to warm up and moved round to sit beside her, "I'm sure you don't need to be in the room with him, you know, just sign the papers and send them off? Have your lawyer represent you?"

Meredith shrugged, "I'm not, uh, there's no legal charges against him. For anything. I just want to get the whole thing over with and it would just delay everything, and the last thing I want is to have to face him in a court room," she looked down at her hands, trying to calm herself a little as she felt herself starting to ramble again, she muttered, "I need to get the rest of my things anyway, I guess."

She looked up as Derek stood up, "Wait, you're not pressing charges? After everything he did?"

"Derek…"

She watched as his fist clenched and she flinched, feeling herself starting to cower a little as she sensed the familiar anger she used to see on a daily basis. The volume of his voice rose slightly as he spoke, "Meredith, you can't just let him get away with it!"

He started muttering away to himself and she felt her breaths coming quicker, involuntarily. She knew he wouldn't do anything. He wasn't Finn. Derek wasn't Finn. But then she heard a crash and she was out of her stool and on the other side of the room, putting distance between Derek and herself. "You… you need to go."

He looked up at her, seeing the tears streaming down her cheeks as her body visibly shook, her arms wrapped around her middle as she leant back against the wall with her eyes closed. She didn't even know what had crashed to the ground. His voice softened, "Meredith…" He stepped toward her, cautiously, "I'm not going to hurt you."

"I can't, I can't do this," she muttered, shaking her head, not moving from her spot, frozen in place.

He stepped a little closer, and when she looked up at him, fear evident in her eyes, his heart broke. He'd done this to her. He felt his own eyes welling with tears as he saw just how broken she was, "Meredith, I'm sorry."

As she looked up at him, she couldn't stop the panic coursing through her veins. She tried to focus on his now calmer demeanour, the moistening of his as he watched her. She remembered the look he had given her back when he'd picked her up from the airport, when he was the one she had run away to. He was the one that had looked after her after the real monster had hurt her. Her voice broke as she spoke his name, her hand reaching out to him, "Derek…"

"Oh, Meredith," he stepped forward and took her in his arms and her face buried against his chest. His face buried against her hair as they stood there, and he murmured softly, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't think, I'm not angry at you, I don't want to hurt you, I just want to protect you."

She continued to sob against him, unable to control herself as his hand rubbed her back in a comforting manner, and he pressed soft kisses against the top of her head and her forehead. As he picked her up, her legs wrapped around his waist almost as though she was clinging on to him for dear life.

He carried her through to the living room and sat on the couch with her across his lap. Her sobs started to quieten, and he could hear soft, hoarse murmurs escaping her lips, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He shook his head and pressed a kiss against the side of her head, "You have nothing to be sorry for, Meredith. Nothing at all."

Her hand clung to the front of his shirt as she looked up at him, locking her eyes with his again and tears threaten to fall again, "I didn't protect our baby."

Derek's brow furrowed as he looked down at her, his hand reaching to cup her face and his thumb wiping at the tears under her eye with his gentle touch, "It's not your fault, I promise you. That is not your fault. I should've protected both of you."

His arms tightened around her at his admission and her eyes widened slightly at the words, "No, that's not, no…"

His hand moved to hold her, linking their fingers together with a gentle squeeze, "Neither of us is at fault."

Her mind flashed back to the kitchen just moments ago, and wanting to move away from the topic of conversation that hurt her more than any pain Finn had ever inflicted on her, her gaze focused on their joint hands, "What was the crash in the kitchen?"

"Oh, uhm, I owe you a mug. I knocked it off the side, by accident. I'm sorry."

She released a soft laugh and shook her head, "It's okay, I hate those mugs."

"Maybe we should go and smash them all," he suggested with a shrug.

She knew he was probably joking, but the thought of throwing her mother's dishes against a wall sounded appealing. Therapeutic almost. She looked up again, tears having stained her slightly blushed cheeks, and she offered him a small smile, "We should. Before I leave. Just throw them against a wall."

He laughed softly at her counter-suggestion, a feeling of relief washing through him at the smile on her face. He hated to see her cry. It struck him to his core and he just wanted to take away all the pain and hurt she'd had to endure through her life. He gave her another gentle squeeze, "Whatever you want. You can have anything you want."

"Oh, uhm, in that case… can you sleep in my bed tonight? I noticed, the two times we've slept in the same bed together, I don't get nightmares. I'm so tired from the nightmares, or the avoiding of sleep so I don't get nightmares."

"Anything you want, Mer," he pressed another soft kiss against the top of her head, thankful that she was allowing him to do so, "I'd love to help you keep the nightmares away. Let's eat first, though. The lasagne should be warmed up by now."

"Thank you," she pressed a kiss against his cheek before reluctantly moving off his lap and out of his safe embrace.

Derek served them both a portion of lasagne each, and they spoke about his upcoming surgery the next day and the plans Meredith had with her upcoming clinical trial, happy that she could actually focus on getting it off the ground when she went back. She went up to get ready for bed first at Derek's insistence that he clean up – he did break the mug after all.

Shortly after she'd settled under the covers, Derek came into the room, clearly having gotten ready for bed in the guest room he had slept in for the past week. She gave him an encouraging smile and pulled back the duvet, inviting him into the bed beside her. She turned off the lamp as he slid under the covers and pulled her into his arms, her back against his chest. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled slightly, a grin spreading across his lips at her familiar lavender scent.

"Goodnight, Derek."

"Goodnight, Meredith."

* * *

"I got a call from the realtor earlier, I've put an offer in on the condo and there's been interest in the house," his head turned at her voice as she walked up beside him, both of them stood in front of the OR board the following afternoon.

"You haven't been to see the condo yet," he commented, slightly surprised at her upbeat attitude but figured it was because she had been pulled into an emergency surgery that morning with Dr Bailey. She was always happier when she'd been in the OR.

She shrugged and looked up at him with a soft grin, "They sent a video over for me, and I'm going to go over at the end of my shift. Which is why I'm here," he laughed softly at the sudden realisation on her face, "You drove us in. Which means you're driving us home. Do you want to come and see it with me?"

"I'd be honoured," he said to her, a slight tease in his voice.

She rolled her eyes at him, "I was told there's an adjacent condo up for sale and you said you needed somewhere to live, and she's going to how me round both of them. So, this works out for you as well."

"You want to be neighbours?"

"You don't want to be neighbours?" She raised an eyebrow at him, "And here I thought we were friends."

His arm wrapped around her shoulders with a gentle squeeze, the slight tease of his tone still present, "Would it not be more economical if we lived together?"

She pressed her lips together as she thought how to phrase the next thing she wanted to say, and looked up at him, his arm still around her shoulders, and her voice became a little more serious, "I want to have my own place. The house, it'll always be my mother's. Boston… I don't have any ownership of the place in Boston."

"I understand," he gave her a reassuring, he hoped, smile and dropped his arm, "Want to grab some lunch? I have some time before my next surgery."

"I'd love to."

* * *

They stepped in to the first condo behind the realtor. The realtor who kept looking to Derek every time she spoke. Meredith couldn't fathom why she kept doing this, she was hired by Meredith. Each time this happened, Derek would look to Meredith, obviously having also realised what was happening.

Derek left Meredith to wander around the empty condo, the one she had seen in the advert online. There were supposedly only a few differences between the two properties, as the realtor had told them on their way into the building.

Alone with the realtor as Meredith did her own inspections, Derek decided now would be the best time to speak up, "You should know that your business is with Dr Grey, not me."

"Excuse me?"

"She's buying the property, so maybe direct any information or questions to her. I'm just buying the property she doesn't choose."

"Oh! I apologise, I thought you two were buying together," he noticed the sheepishness in her tone and the slight blush in her cheeks.

"It's okay, I just thought I'd make you aware. So, what do you need from me to go ahead with the sale of the other property?"

He listened intently, making a list on his phone of the documents he would need to gather, and a reminder to contact his lawyer to get the ball rolling with the property sale. Their conversation finished up just as Meredith returned to them, eager to see the next property across the hall.

From that point, when the realtor spoke, she made sure to address Meredith, who in turn gave Derek a knowing look, letting him know she was aware of the conversation he'd had with the realtor. He just grinned in response as they went across the hall.

As previously informed, there really was no difference between the two properties. Even the view from the balcony and the floor length windows was practically the same as they faced the same way, over the river. "You can have this one," Meredith grinned softly, patting Derek on the shoulder as they looked around together this time.

"Thanks for your blessing," he teased her light-heartedly, with a soft laugh.

A thoughtful look crossed her expression as she turned to him, "Do you want to live here? I know I kind of thrust this on you, and you might not even like the design, or the area, or you might just want to continue living in your trailer in the middle of nowhere. I just thought that since it was available, and you said you liked it when I showed you the pictures, it would be a good opportunity, if you did like it. You might not even want to be my neighbour, oh I didn't think of that/ I don't want to have pressured you into buying it and –"

He reached a hand out to touch her shoulder, effectively stopping her small speech, "Meredith, it's okay, breathe," he watched her take a few breaths before continuing, "First of all, yes I do want to live here. I do like the design. I'm keeping the trailer, and the land, and I need somewhere close to the hospital to live for now, with central heating and running water. So, this is perfect. Finally, I would like to be your neighbour, and you haven't pressured me into doing anything."

He ran his hand down her arm and she visibly relaxed as he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She nodded in response, "Okay, as long as you're sure."

"I'm sure."

He released her hand and they returned to the realtor who was tapping away on her phone. They discussed the semantics and confirmed who was buying which property, both putting offers in for the asking prices. The only difference being that whilst Meredith was using the funds from selling her mother's house to pay for the property, meaning she would have leftover funds, since the house was almost double the value of the condo, Derek would be using the money he had put away from the sale of his New York property to pay for the property outright. It meant Derek would most likely get possession of his property before Meredith, but he assured her that as long as she needed him nearby, he wouldn't move out of the house with her until she was also able to move.

* * *

The conversation about Meredith's possible trip to Boston didn't come up with Derek again, but when she mentioned it to Cristina, she got a similar reaction from her as well.

"You can't go to Boston, definitely not on your own."

"I never said I'd go on my own," she muttered with a roll of her eyes as she typed up her latest surgical notes on the computer in front of her, avoiding Cristina's judging look.

"Great, I'll come with you then."

Meredith's brow furrowed as she scrunched her face up in response. She loved Cristina, and she did want someone to go with her – she didn't want any chance of being alone with Finn, but she was also being stubborn about being independent and doing things for herself. It's not like she'd ever be alone with Finn anyway when meeting with the lawyers, "You can't just drop everything to come and help sort my miserable life out."

Cristina sighed at her friend's stubbornness, "Don't be so stubborn. If I can't go with you, I'm sure Sloan or Shepherd would be more than happy to go with you."

She stood up from the desk, "I can't, I'm just, sick of dragging everyone into this. It's my mess, my problem. I'll sort it."

Cristina sighed again but didn't say anything more and Meredith stood up from her desk, pulling on her lab coat as she left the room in a sour mood. She didn't want to talk about the impending trip she had to make to Boston. The lawyer had sent a follow up email that morning confirming the date and time of their meeting. Three weeks' time. She ran a hand over her face, with a slight wince when she forgot about her injury for the millionth time, as she approached Richard's office.

She knocked on the door gently, opening it when she heard Richard call her inside. She recognised the red-haired woman who sat in the visitors' chair, "Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, I can come back."

Richard shook her head, beckoning her inside his office, "It's okay, we're just finishing up." Addison stood from the chair, shaking Richard's hand, "We'll see you on Monday, Dr Montgomery."

Meredith narrowed her eyes a little. Why hadn't she been told about this? Her arms crossed over her chest as she waited for Addison to leave the room. Once she was alone with Richard, he waited for her to start talking. She sat in the chair opposite him, "I have to go to Boston in two weeks, erm, the Friday and Saturday."

"What are you going to Boston for?"

She hesitated a moment before looking out the window, unable to meet his questioning gaze. She took a breath before speaking, "Finalise the divorce, get it over with. Pick up the rest of my things."

"Are you going alone?"

She rolled her eyes with a huff, muttering her answer, "I'm trying to."

"Meredith, you can't go alone."

"I'll take it under advisement," she said, standing up from the chair and heading toward the door, "I have a surgery."

"Okay, I'll get you the time off. Just, be careful."

"Always," she flashed him a small smile before leaving the room. Why couldn't people just get off her back about it?

* * *

She was quiet on the ride home with Derek from the hospital. He tried to make conversation, but he quickly realised she wasn't in a talkative mood. He pulled into the driveway as rain started to patter against the windows. He looked over to her when she didn't move, noticing her gaze fixed on nothing in particular. He reached his hand over to hers, speaking softly, "Mer?"

She jumped a little at his touch and turned to look at him with a soft murmur, "I'm sorry, we're home. Yeah…" she trailed off as she moved to unfasten her seatbelt.

"I need to go to the trailer, get some things. Are you okay if I go now?"

She gave him a small smile in an attempt to reassure him, "Yeah, I'm just going to head to bed, it's been a long day."

He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "Okay, I'll bring some dinner on my way back if you want."

"Sounds good," she picked her bag up before climbing out of the car, "I'll see you soon."

He gave her a smile as she shut the car door, and he watched her go inside, waiting until she had closed the door behind her before driving away. There was definitely something bothering her, and hopefully she'd feel up to talking after she'd gotten some sleep.

* * *

He could hear her distressed screams coming from the upstairs bedroom as soon as he stepped into the house. Glancing to the door to make sure it had closed he ran up to the bedroom in a panic, dropping the bag of takeout on the small table. He opened the door to her bedroom to see her curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, the sheets strewn around her.

Kicking his shoes off, he moved onto the bed and his arms were around her in seconds, "Meredith, Mer, wake up..." He held her close, noticing the thin layer of sweat over her skin, strands of her hair plastered against her face from her body's physical reaction to the nightmare.

He held her tighter even as her movements slowed and sobs began to break through her chest, as though she was unable to control it. He pressed his lips to the top of her head and rocked her slightly with a soft murmur, "It's okay, I'm here, it's okay."

She had woken now, but had turned in his hold to bury her face into his chest, still sobbing from the nightmare she had just been lost in. He rubbed one hand against her back to comfort her as he refused to let her go. He hated himself for having left her. He didn't know how long she had been experiencing the nightmare, but he should've been there earlier. He heard her quiet, broken voice, "Derek..."

"Shh," he pressed another kiss against the top of her head, "I'm here now, it's okay."

Her hands gripped at his T-shirt as her sobs calmed but she stayed hidden against him, murmuring, "Please don't go, don't go anywhere, I need you."

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I'm here, I'm not going to hurt you, I'll never hurt you," he murmured soothingly close to her ear as her face moved to bury against the crook of his neck, "Go back to sleep, get some sleep."

She shook her head and pulled her face back slightly after a moment to wipe at her eyes, her voice hoarse from crying, "Did you get dinner? We can't waste it, and we should eat something..."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, "I did but don't worry about that, it can be reheated."

"I'm not... I don't want to sleep, I can't sleep..." she shook her head again, adamant that she wouldn't be going back to sleep just yet. She wiped at her eyes again as they threatened to water and looked up at him, meeting his concerned gaze. "Thank you," she said in a soft whisper, "for being here."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He gently moved the loose strands of hair behind her ear that had fallen forward.

She shook her head a little and buried herself back against his chest as she mumbled, "I just want to stay like this. It feels nice. And safe."

"You'll always be safe with me, Meredith."

They lay there a few moments longer, his arms around her as she finally felt the after affects of her nightmare starting to fade away and her breathing return to normal, her brain starting to make sense of the situation she'd found herself in with Derek in the bed. "Did you get everything you needed from the trailer?"

"Yeah, I just needed some paperwork and extra clothes," he gave her a small smile as she looked up at him, a look in her eyes as though she wanted to ask him something.

She pressed her lips together a moment and shifts to lay on her back, her gaze moving to the ceiling, not that she could see anything in the darkness of the room. No one was about to get off her back about going to Boston alone until she agreed to well... not go alone. She turned to look at him again, aware that he was still watching her. "Will you come to Boston with me?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I mean, everyone keeps harping on, saying I can't go alone, and I feel safe with you, Cristina may actually cause harm if she's in the same room as him, and Mark is going away with Lexie. I guess I don't want to be alone when I go but I don't want to bother anyone, and I get if you're busy or have surgery planned, or anything else planned."

"Meredith," he reached forward to gently cup her cheek with his hand, "I can go with you. I don't have anything planned that I can think of, and if there is anything I'll reschedule."

"Thank you," she murmured as she reached her arms around his neck to hug herself close to him. He moved his arms around her waist to return the hug, burying his face in her hair.

"It's no bother, Meredith. Now, shall we go downstairs and eat?"

She nodded but didn't loosen her hold on him. He chuckled softly and pulled her with him gently as he sat up, helping her move into his lap. He didn't know if this was the right time bring it up, it probably wasn't, but he couldn't stop the words leaving his mouth. "I love you, Meredith."

She looked up at him, her eyes slightly wide and watering, as she heard his words and she started to pull back a little. He kept his hold firm on her. "I just need you to know. Because it means I'll do anything for you. I want to protect you, and look after you, and I'd give you the world if I could. And I understand you're not ready, and I understand we can't be more than friends. You still need time to heal, and I do understand that. I just needed you to know that I love you. You need to know that I'm here for you, and I love you."

Her forehead leant forward against his shoulder as he spoke, his fingers tangled in the hair at the back of her head. She thought about his words, having an internal battle with that voice in the back of her head. The one that made her think nobody loved her, and nobody cared about her. Nobody loved her. He was there though, wasn't he? He didn't appear to have any ulterior motive. Even when he had first found out she was married, that he didn't tell her, he was still there when she needed him. But she thought Finn would be there when she needed him, and that was all just a ploy. What's to say this isn't either?

"Shh," he spoke in a soft whisper, "Don't over think it. Put it out of your mind. Let's go and eat."

She nodded and pulled back from him, wiping under her eyes as she untangled herself from the sheets to get off the bed. She grabbed her dressing gown off the chair and pulled it on before heading downstairs with Derek close behind her. Her voice was slightly hoarse as she spoke, approaching the bag of takeout he'd left on the table in the hall, "What did you get?"

"Just some mixed noodle boxes from the Chinese near the ferry docks," he came up behind her and picked up the bag, going through to the kitchen with her, setting the bag on the table as she grabbed them each a plate from the cupboard, "I had this patient today, nearly inoperable tumour…"


	10. Crossing Lines

**In surgery there is a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line unauthorized is not tolerated. In general, lines are there for a reason. For safety. For security. For clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it … the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it?**

* * *

"Thank God that's all done with," Meredith breathed as she sighed in relief.

Derek could only laugh at her reaction, shaking his head, "Meredith, you barely had to do anything."

She narrowed his eyes at him, "It was stressful... directing people around."

He laughed again and gently squeezed her shoulder, and she joined in with his laughter, "You did a great job, Mer."

"Are you all sorted?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I was sorted two weeks ago, remember?"

"I remember sitting on the floor of your empty living room, eating pizza from paper plates, that I remember," she grinned playfully as she grabbed a water out of the fridge, passing a chilled bottle to him as well.

"Well, I definitely have furniture now, I promise," he took a swig from the bottle as she did with her own, his eyes focusing a little too much on the way her lips wrapped around the opening. He quickly snapped out of it, putting the lid back on the bottle as he set it down on the counter, "How would you like to celebrate?"

She shrugged as she moved to stand beside him, both of them leaning their backs against the counter in Meredith's new kitchen, "I don't think I can celebrate yet. We need to get this weekend over with first."

Unconsciously, her head tilted to rest against us shoulder with her eyes closed and his arm slid around her waist, protectively, "It'll be okay. Once it's done, it's done. And it will be a huge weight off your shoulders, trust me."

They stood there like that for a moment, and Derek's eyes were fixed on her face as she allowed him this rare moment of intimacy. But it was quickly interrupted by the ringing of Meredith's phone.

"Hello?" she answered, and he watched the slight widening of her eyes as she listened to whoever was on the other end, and his brow furrowed, concerned as to who could possibly be on the other end of the phone, "Okay, I'll head to the hospital now and meet the ambulance there, thanks for letting me know."

She hung up the phone, taking a moment before looking up at him. "Meredith, what's wrong?"

"It's my mother, she'd being brought into the hospital. They think she's having severe arrhythmias… and she's lucid."

* * *

"Meredith, what's going on? Why are you in Seattle? You're supposed to be in Boston," her mother questioned her, more in confusion than being angry with her.

"I moved back, Mom. About eight months ago now, after you got sick," Meredith explained as she walked around to the chair beside her mother's hospital bed.

Seeing the look of confusion on Ellis' face, a woman who was purely independent and always held her own, it broke her heart. "I'm sick?"

"You have Alzheimer's, Mom," she paused as she watched her mother take in this new information. "You've been in Roseridge for almost a year now."

"You weren't speaking to me, Meredith. I didn't come to your wedding. I'm so sorry… I regret never being there for you. I should've been there and then you stopped speaking to me… why are you here now?"

A sob caught in Meredith's throat as she recalled the events of that argument with her mother, when she was devastated that her own mother wouldn't come to her wedding. She looked up at the ceiling a moment before speaking again, in a quieter voice, "It's okay. I took power of attorney. I came back, I moved back to Seattle. And Mom, it's okay. You were right."

When she met Ellis' eyes, a look of understanding passed between them. Her mother had been right to tell her that Finn would only hold her back, that he only wanted someone to admire him. Wanted someone to control. Meredith had argued with her, defending the relationship and her decision to marry him. "Oh, Meredith. What happened?"

The tears had started falling now and she made a frivolous effort to wipe at them, only for the tear stains to be replaced by fresh ones. She shook her head, not wanting to unload this all on her sick mother. She might not get this time again where her mother became lucid, and she didn't want to waste it on her sob story. "It's... nothing. It's over, that's all."

Ellis didn't believe her. As much as Meredith didn't think so, Ellis knew her daughter and she knew there was more to it. Her hand reached for Meredith's, who took it, and gently pulled her to sit on the bed beside her, "Meredith, I'm still your mother. Do I need to come after him with my scalpel?"

She released a short, sad laugh, but it soon turned into quiet sobs as she felt her mother wrap her arms around her, pulling her head gently against her chest in a comforting hold, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you."

Ellis simply rubbed her hand up and down Meredith's arm, holding her daughter close against her in an attempt to comfort her. As confused as she was in her current situation, Meredith was broken, and she needed mother her right now. Her gaze was caught by a black-haired surgeon, made obvious by his dark blue scrubs that matched Meredith's, and his white lab coat, as he lingered near the door to her hospital room, not seeming to come in the room, but ready to come in if need be.

Her attention was taken again when Meredith started talking again in a quiet voice, "I need to... I should go, I didn't mean to break down like this," she tried to pull away as she wiped at her eyes but Ellis just shook her head and kept a firm hold on her, "Mom, what are you doing?"

"Something I should've started doing a long time ago, Meredith," she pressed a kiss to the side of her head and lay down with her daughter curled up beside her, vulnerable and broken. Meredith had always been so strong, so independent, Ellis never had to worry about her. But seeing her this way, as she realised the damage that had been inflicted on her pride and joy, Ellis hated her illness with a vengeance.

When Meredith's pager went off, she sat up again and her mother let her go, understanding the need for Meredith to respond. She quickly checked, seeing that it wasn't urgent, but she was needed on a consult down in the pit. "I'll come back up soon, okay?"

Her mother took her hand as she stood up, "I understand, Meredith, more than anyone. I want you to know, you are extraordinary, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Meredith rolled her eyes and gave Ellis a small smile, "Don't talk like you're going somewhere, I won't be long."

"You know as well as I do, Meredith, I might not be here when you get back."

"I won't be too long," she reassured her mother, but as she left the room and headed down to the emergency room, she was suddenly fully aware her mother may not be all there when she returned. Lucid moments were never guaranteed, and no one knew why they happened, or typically how long they would last for. It was different in every patient.

* * *

Meanwhile, Derek, who had hidden out of sight when Meredith left the room, had returned to Dr Ellis Grey's hospital room, not sure why he was there but felt like he should speak with Meredith's mother. She looked up as he entered, "Do I know you?"

He shook his head, "No, we haven't met. I'm a… friend of Meredith's."

"And you're a surgeon as well?" He could tell she had already made her mind up about him and was probably only asking him questions out of formality.

"Head of Neurosurgery, Dr Derek Shepherd," he gave a warm smile and moved a little closer.

Surprisingly, she returned his smile with a small nod, "I always thought a doctor, a fellow surgeon, would be a good fit for her, someone who understands the demands of the job. I don't know what's happened, but I think you do, and I can tell she means a lot to you."

Derek nodded, "She really does, I'm trying to protect her the best I can, she's very stubborn."

Ellis nodded, a thoughtful look in her eyes, "I can imagine that. I… the last thing I remember, I remember thinking I needed to do something, that something wasn't right. But then I don't know what happened," she shook her head a little and focused back on the present, "Keep trying. Don't give up on her."

"She isn't someone you give up on if you can help it," he nodded in confirmation.

"Look after her, I know she probably won't let you because she's exactly like me…" Ellis sighed softly and looked out toward the window, her mind still reeling slightly from all the new information.

"Can I get you anything, Dr Grey?" He inquired; his head tilted to the side slightly as he watched her.

She turned to him with a thoughtful smile, "Can you go and retrieve my daughter for me? I need to speak with her again before I inevitably go again."

He nodded and headed back out of the room, almost running into Ellis' daughter herself. He hands went out to grab her arms as she stumbled, supporting her. Her name left his lips in a short breath, "Meredith."

Her brow furrowed as she looked up at him, "Derek, what are you doing here?"

"I work here?" He said it more of a question than a statement, as though asking if it was a good enough excuse for him to be leaving her mother's room.

She rolled her eyes at him with a small scoff, "That's obvious. I mean, why are you coming out of my mother's room?"

His hands dropped from her arms, realising they had lingered there a little too long and she was definitely steady on her feet at this point. His hand ran through his hair as he spoke, suddenly finding himself nervous under Meredith's scrutinising look, "I was coming to find you, your mother, Ellis, Dr Grey… she asked me to come and find you."

"Right…" she looked at him with disbelief, her eyes narrowing at him, "But why were you in there in the first place?"

"I was just walking past, and, yeah… don't worry about it, go and see your mother, she asked for you," he gave her a warm smile, hoping if he used his charming look she'd let him off the hook with his lack of explanation.

"Okay, you're acting strange…" a look of panic washed over her face slightly, "Did you, did you say anything? Did you tell her anything about… you know?"

He reached his hand out to squeeze her shoulder as way of comfort, shaking his head, "I didn't say anything. Don't worry. Go in and see her."

Relief took place of the panic at his words and she spoke, almost inaudibly, "Thanks, I'll see you later."

He nodded, turning as she walked around him and into her mother's hospital room, closing the door behind her and he noticed the closing of the slatted blinds, keeping out any prying eyes. He released a short breath of relief himself but couldn't push away the worry he had for the effect the time with her mother might have on her. As nice as the woman had seemed to him just now, it didn't quite match up with the description he'd received about her from Meredith. His thoughts were pushed to the back of his mind for now as his pager alerted him to a 911 in the pit.

* * *

After leaving the scrub room from his successful emergent surgery, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check for any messages, having instructed the scrub nurse to not pick up the message and read it aloud for him. Meredith had sent him a message around twenty minutes ago just as he was starting to close up the patient.

_I need a drink, are you coming?_

He sent her a quick reply, telling her he'd be ready to go in no more than an hour. He still had to speak to the patient's family and check on his most recent patient and others from earlier in the day before heading out for the day. He did tell her he would meet her though if she wanted to go somewhere to drink. He didn't want her going alone, or even, without him.

He slid the phone back into his pocket, making his way out to the waiting room to speak to the family. His registered Meredith's presence at the nurses' station, filling out some paperwork, but figured he would speak to the patient's family first before alerting her to his presence.

* * *

Across the room, Meredith had felt the shift in the atmosphere as he entered the room, and her gaze flicked up for moment from the paperwork she was finishing off for her mother's surgery the next day to remedy the almost deadly arrhythmias she had been experiencing. Normally fixed by medication, but when Ellis was taken hostage by the Alzheimer's, she wasn't known for taking her medication or making it easy for the staff at the nursing home to administer it.

The conversation with her mother has exhausted her, both physically and emotionally. She never for a moment thought she would have to explain what had been happening with Finn over the last few years to her mother, how she had got away. How she had almost died and lost her baby. More so, she didn't expect the reaction from her mother. She expected disappointment, at the very least and 'I told you so.' Instead, Ellis just listened, and held her daughter, comforting her as she relayed the information.

Ellis had actually been worried to leave Meredith without her. Which brought about the conversation about Derek, with Ellis ensuring her that it was okay to let someone else in again. She had seen how Derek spoke about Meredith, how he had a protective air about him. Meredith confirmed her mother's analysis of him, that he was protective of her, but she didn't want to hurt him again. They had sat in silence for ten minutes after this, a comfortable silence.

When she had looked back to her mother again, it was clear Ellis' mind had slipped away again. The lost look in her eyes had returned. Her mother had stayed quiet when Meredith said goodbye, and had gone to speak with the head of Cardio who would be performing the surgery in the morning before going to fill out the paperwork, but not before sending her quick message to Derek who she had seen was in surgery at the time.

As she finished signing her name, she felt his presence close beside her before he said her name to get her attention. She looked to him with a small smile as she passed the paperwork back to the nurse, "How was the surgery?"

He couldn't help but notice the slight red that tinged the whites of her eyes, but he didn't draw attention to it. He returned her smile as he spoke, "Successful, quite a recovery ahead but I'm feeling positive about it. I just need to check on a few patients before we head out. How's your mother?"

Her gaze lowered at his question and she took a sharp breath before looking back up at him, plastering on a smile she hoped was half convincing, "She's okay. Sleeping. She, uhm, she's gone again."

"I'm sorry," his hand twitched, wanting to pull her into a hug but deciding against it. He knew she wouldn't appreciate it right now, out in the open where anyone could see them.

"It's okay, it had to happen sometime. Anyway, go see your patients, I'll meet you at the bar across the street?" She asked running her hand through her hair, "I'm going to see if I can find Cristina and Mark to join us. More the merrier, right?"

He nodded, "I won't be long. I'll meet you guys there, I think Mark had a surgery himself, but it should be finished soon."

"Okay," she gave him a small smile before turning on her heel and walking in the direction of the office she shared with Cristina, feeling his eyes on her retreating form and thinking about what her mother had told her.

" _That man loves you, and I can tell you're at least half-way there. Let him love you. He's one of the good ones."_

* * *

"So, Boston this weekend?" Cristina asked, placing a tequila sunrise in front of Meredith as she sat down on the side opposite of the booth from her, next to Mark. If she didn't know any better, she'd think they'd done it on purpose to have Derek sitting beside her. But for Cristina and Mark to agree on anything, the world would have to be ending.

Meredith nodded as she sipped at her drink, "Yeah, and then I'm never going back."

"And Shepherd is going with you?"

"Yeah, he said he would. I still need to book the flights out though, and get a hotel to stay in Friday night, I've really put it off," she gave a short laugh, almost a nervous laugh.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come as well?" Mark asked her, having already offered once but Meredith had already tried to persuade him that even Derek joining her was too much.

"I'll be fine, Mark," she narrowed her eyes at him, "I've told you this already, there is no point all of us going. It's one night."

"Okay, but just say the word and I'll be on a flight," he said before taking a sip of his scotch, "Where's Derek anyway?"

"He had a few patients to see before he left, I'm sure he'll be here soon," she answered as she took a sip of her own drink.

"How's Ellis?" Cristina asked.

"Danvers is doing her surgery in the morning," Meredith said with a shrug.

"I know, but… she was lucid, Mer."

"And now she isn't, so, it's fine," she shrugged again, not really wanting to talk about it right now. She just wanted to drink, wanted to forget everything she had spoken to her mother about. Things her mother wouldn't even remember now.

"Whatever you say," Cristina sat back in her seat, choosing to not push her right now. She knew her person, and she knew she was hurting, but Meredith wasn't going to open up until she was ready.

By the time Derek arrived, Meredith was already halfway drunk, opting for straight tequila shots to get her though. As he sat down, they were all laughing over a story Meredith had told about Mark back from when she had known him in Boston.

"What have I missed?" He asked, sliding into the seat beside Meredith, his single-malt scotch in his hand.

"Derek!" Meredith grinned as she turned to face him, "I was just sharing a story about the time Mark got syphilis from a nurse in Boston," she spoke between laughs.

"Now, why doesn't that surprise me?" He said with a chuckle, noticing the change in Meredith's mood from earlier, which he supposed was due to the tequila.

"Hey! You're supposed to be my friend, Derek," Mark complained, feeling slightly ganged up on.

Derek shrugged with another chuckle, "Yeah, but then you slept with my wife, so."

Meredith rolled her eyes, gently slapping her hand against Derek's arm, "I thought you were over that."

Derek feigned hurt as he looked at her again, "Doesn't mean I can't use it against him. It's an unspoken rule."

She shook her head, and her soft laughter mesmerised him a moment before realising they were in company. Cristina spoke up, "As much as I enjoy taking the mick out of Sloan here, I have to get going. See you guys tomorrow."

She gave Meredith a pointed look before leaving that Derek couldn't decipher, and Meredith rolled her eyes back at Cristina, knowing exactly what the pointed look was for, pertaining to an earlier conversation about how she should move on with Derek. Meredith was still adamant she would only bring more pain for him, although her mind had been swayed a little more after the conversation with her lucid mother.

Mark's phone went off then, disturbing Meredith's inner thoughts. "I have to go; Lexie is waiting for me. Maybe be nicer next time, and I'll stick around for longer," he joked as he stood up.

"Oh hush, Mark, you love the attention," she teased, laughing at him and he walked away, shaking his head in amusement.

"Feeling better then?" Derek asked once they were alone again, reaching to push her hair out of her face.

"Feeling drunk," she gave him a half smile, catching her bottom lip between her teeth as his fingers brushed against her skin, "We should probably get going soon as well, early start and then a plane to catch."

"Speaking of planes," he dropped his hand, picking up his phone to pull up the confirmation email from the airline and hotel to show her, "I booked our flights and hotel earlier today, we leave at 5am Friday morning."

"You didn't have to… I'll pay you back for them both, at least let me pay my half."

"No, don't, you can just buy me dinner instead," he grinned softly, and she shook her head a little in amusement, "I got us separate rooms at the hotel, but they're adjoining as well. Is that okay?"

"That's great," she returned his grin, passing the phone back before finishing the tequila shot that sat in front of her, refuelling the buzz inside her that had begun to fade. She looked to Derek again as they sat in silence, her eyes catching his and running her tongue along her lower lip, her lack of inhibition making it hard to hide the physical attraction she had for him, never mind her emotional feelings toward him.

"Maybe I should get you home," Derek murmured, feeling the same pull towards her, the world around them melting away as his fingers reached to brush against her cheek, cupping her face in his hand. When she didn't respond he spoke again in an almost whisper, "Meredith?"

This time, she snapped out of it, realising where they were and pulling back slightly so that his hand dropped, "Oh, yeah, yeah we should go." She stood up from the booth, pulling her bag over her shoulder and steadying herself with her hand against the table as the slight dizziness hit her from the alcohol consumption.

"You okay?" he asked, having appeared at her other side, lightly holding her lower arm in his hand to help steady her.

She nodded, finding herself unable to speak at his touch, afraid she'd say something she couldn't take back. Derek's hand dropped feeling her arm tense slightly, taking her pause to mean something differently as he murmured, "Sorry."

"It's okay," she moved a little closer to him, looping her arm through his for his support, and wanting him close to her again. He adjusted his arm so that it was around her waist as they walked out of the bar and to the parking lot.

As they approached the car, Meredith turned to face him, his arm still around her waist as her hand crept up the front of his chest as her fingers played with the collar of his shirt and she looked up into his eyes. Before she knew it, her lips were pressed against his with a dying need for him as he backed her up against the side of his car. Derek hands moved to her waist as he pressed against her slightly and her arms moved around his neck, playing with the hairs at the base of his neck.

Moments later, he felt the tears falling down her cheeks and pulled back slightly, lifting his hands to wipe the tears with his thumbs gently as soft murmur escaped her lips, "Sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shh, Meredith, there's nothing to apologise for," he pressed his lips against her forehead as she leaned forward against him, his arms moving around her to hold her close.

"I can't, we can't… not yet," she spoke quietly as his hand rubbed against her back, and she felt safe in his hold with her face buried against his chest.

"I know, I understand," his lips pressed against the top of her head, lingering a moment, "Let's get you home."

"Will you stay with me tonight?" She asked as she pulled back from his hold and he opened the passenger side door of his car for her to get in.

"If you want me to," he squeezed her hand gently before moving round to the driver's side and climbing in, starting the engine.

* * *

When she woke, her head was against the cold glass window of the car door, Derek's hand shaking her shoulder slightly, "We're home."

She looked to him with a small smile, a slight blush rising in her cheeks as she recalled the events in the parking lot and she got out of the car, making sure to pick up her bag. Derek walked ahead of her into the condo complex they both lived in. There was a slight tension between them as they rode the elevator up to their floor, but it wasn't entirely uncomfortable.

"Do you still want to me to stay with you?" He asked gently as she unlocked her front door.

She turned to look at him and nodded, "I mean, if you want to."

"I do, I'm just going to go change and I'll be over," he turned and walked into his condo.

She walked inside her hallway, dropping her bag on the floor by the door and taking her feet out of the heels, a soft sigh escaping her lips at the relief she felt placing her feet flat on the carpeted floor. She walked through into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water, sipping it as she leaned against the counter, not realising how much time was passing as she was lost in her own mind.

When she heard her front door close shut, she couldn't help but jump in her own skin, almost dropping the glass in her hand as she heard Derek's voice from the hall, "Mer, where are you?"

"Kitchen, sorry, I lost track of time," she emptied the remainder of the water into the sink, placing the glass down. She smiled up at him as he walked in the room, in his pyjamas, "I just need to change for bed."

"Okay, take your time," he returned her smile and followed her up to her room.

She went into her drawers grabbing the first top and shorts she saw that she could wear to bed, heading into the bathroom and leaving Derek sat on the bed. She quickly changed and took a moment to splash water over her face after brushing her teeth.

When she went back into the bedroom, Derek was resting against the headboard waiting or her. A thought crossed her mind, wondering why he still stuck around her, but she shook it off as she turned off the lights and climbed on the bed beside him.

"Thanks, for being here," she said as she climbed under the covers, leaving the duvet folded back so that he could join her, which he did.

He hesitated to move his arm around her waist, as natural as it felt to do so. He lay on his side, watching as she lay on her back, "I'm here whenever you need me, Meredith."

There was a moment of comfortable silence before she spoke, turning to look at him as she did, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. You didn't deserve that, and you deserve so much better."

"You didn't hurt me," he replied without pause, his hand reaching to push her hair back behind her ear as it fell forward, "You didn't hurt me and you have nothing to be sorry for." He watched as her eyes started to water and she looked down. He moved closer and pulled her against him as he noticed the tell-tale signs of her silent crying against his chest, and he murmured softly to her as his hand gently rubbed her back, "We shared something special, something really special, and it was taken from both of us. That wasn't your fault, that will never be your fault."

It didn't take long for Meredith to fall asleep against him, having exhausted herself, and he couldn't deny the tears that had formed in his eyes as he had held her, his own regrets about not being able to save her from the pain they both felt.

* * *

The flight to Boston was very quiet. Meredith was quiet, and Derek let her be, only speaking to her when necessary. He couldn't imagine what was going through her mind. They'd arrived at the hospital the previous morning, and she had paced her office throughout her mother's surgery, occasionally receiving updates on her mother's status from him at regular intervals. He'd offered to keep her company but she had insisted she was fine on her own and so he had resigned himself to keeping her updated.

The surgery had been successful, and Ellis was on track to head back to the nursing home on Monday when they both returned to the hospital after their short trip to Boston. She had only spoken to him to confirm the arrangements of the next day for the meeting with the lawyers and the mediators. He'd offered to go in with her, but she was, again, adamant that this was something she needed to do on her own. Besides, it would probably irate Finn more if Derek were present. That's when she had revealed that Finn knew about what had happened between Meredith and Derek when she'd first come back to Seattle.

He couldn't stay away though, the next day, when he dropped her off at the mediator's office. He'd watched her walk inside but couldn't bring himself to drive away. He decided to sit in the car and wait for her.

She'd said it would only take about an hour, so when it hit the hour mark and she still hadn't come back down the elevator, he got out of the car and went to sit in the waiting area for her, ready to be there in case she needed him.

Only ten minutes later, she appeared behind the opening doors of the elevator, and he saw the tension dissipate from her when their eyes locked and he stood up to walk over to her. It was over.

* * *

This would be the last time she would set eyes on him again. Voluntarily, anyway. She could only hope that she wouldn't be in his presence a single moment further than after this meeting.

"Now that everything is agreed and signed on, we'll get this filed away and confirmation sent to your respective lawyers," the mediator concluded as she gathered the papers in front of her. Meredith fidgeted with her fingers, looking down at her lap. She knew her lawyer had one more thing to add, and then she could leave. Derek would be waiting for her and they could get back to Seattle and she wouldn't have to be in Boston ever again.

"One more thing," her lawyer took a document out of her bag, sliding it across the table to the opposing lawyer, "Restraining order. After this meeting, your client is not to come within 100ft of Meredith Grey, or there will be consequences. Additionally, unless life saving treatment is required, your client is not permitted access to Seattle Grace Hospital."

Meredith's gaze shifted upwards and she caught the wide-eyed look on Finn's face. She'd definitely surprised both him and his lawyer with that one. It wasn't surprising that Meredith didn't want to fight over any property, or assets further than what she was legally obligated to take away from the marriage, but he clearly didn't expect the restraining order. It almost made her laugh, out of nervousness if anything else. She looked away from him again as she stood, smoothing out her dress pants as she did so, ready to leave.

Her lawyer spoke again when no argument was made against the restraining order, "My client will retrieve her belongings from the property on Hillside, and the keys will be left in the previously agreed custody of myself to pass along. Again, my client has until 6pm to do this, and I should remind you of the restraining order in place. If not adhered to, the police will be called."

She didn't hear the response given by his lawyer as she picked up her bag and left the room, pulling out her phone to dial Derek's number as she stepped on to the lift. Before he could answer, she had lost signal and the call dropped as the elevator descended to the ground floor.

When she stepped out of the elevator, her gaze caught the familiar deep-blue eyes as she realised Derek was sat in the waiting area where she had left him almost an hour and a half ago. She gave him a small smile, gently biting her lip at the same time as he approached her, "Ready to celebrate now?"

She shook her head, "I need to go to the house, get the rest of my things."

"You don't have to come with me," she said as she furrowed her brow, looking up at him.

"I'm here for you, Meredith," he grinned at her before taking her hand and leading her out to the car he had rented the previous morning they had arrived in Boston.

"I think you just enjoy driving around your fancy car," she teased him as they climbed in.

"Ah, you got me," he teased back as he started to drive, following the directions she had brought up on the in-car sat nav.

They stayed in a comfortable silence for the twenty-minute drive to the apartment. Meredith could feel her nerves on edge and found her knuckles going white as she gripped the handle of the car door as they approached. Derek glanced, and upon seeing how nervous she was, rested a hand on her thigh to comfort her, murmuring softly, "He's not going to come here, he's not stupid enough."

She nodded as he pulled into a parking space, giving him a small smile before climbing out of the car. Her leg felt cold where his hand had once been, but she didn't have time to reflect on it. She took the relevant keys out of her bag and headed to the door; Derek close behind. Seeing her hands shaking slightly, he took the keys from her hands to unlock the door and encouraged her inside, his hand on the small of her back.

"I just need some things, from the office and the back room, and the closet," she muttered as she made a mental list of everything she needed to get. "Feel free to sit, or..." she gestured her hand as she spoke and disappeared into the bedroom.

Derek walked through to the living room, glancing around at the set up. It felt... cold. He couldn't even begin to imagine Meredith having lived here, after seeing how she had turned her condo into her home. He had to stop his thoughts from straying, however, the possibility that this was the place he hurt her the most. His chest ached, understanding how hard it must be for her to be back here. At this thought, he felt like he needed to be closer to her, and so he left the living room and went through to the room she had gone to initially, the bedroom.

He walked into the room that shared the same coldness of the living room, his heart breaking as he found Meredith sat on the edge of the bed with her eyes shut, her hands grasped together. He spoke quietly, trying not to startle her, but not taking it personally when she did jump a little, "Meredith..."

Her eyes opened and she found Derek crouched in front of her, taking her hands in his as he became aware of her distressed state. She tried to give him a small smile, "I'm fine."

"What do you need? Let me help."

She closed her eyes again and pressed her lips together as she thought, and he waited for her to speak again. She opened her eyes again and spoke in a soft, quiet tone, her voice faltering slightly, "In the closet, top shelf at the back. A small, black box."

He nodded wordlessly and stood straight again to walk over to the closet, opening it and finding the box she described. He showed it to her for confirmation and when she nodded, he passed it to her. He looked back at the closet, seeing a number of dresses, and other formal clothes that looked like they belonged to her. Don't you want to take these?" He asked in a soft voice.

She shook her head, "No. they're not... I mean they are mine it's just, they're not _mine."_

"What's next?" He closed the closet, dropping the subject as he turned to face her again, a warm smile on his lips.

"Office, some of Mom's paperwork should be in there, I'm not sure if they're totally important but I'd rather take them than leave them here," she stood, the small box in her hands as she led him out of the room, hastily making an exit from the room that brought back so many traumatic memories.

He followed her into the office, his eyes glancing around the room until they landed on a canvas picture on the wall. As Meredith rummaged through a cabinet on the back wall, Derek studied the picture more carefully.

"You look happy here..." he murmured softly as he studied the image of her in the long white dress, on what he presumed to be her wedding day, the first dance, maybe.

His head turned quickly to look at her as she spoke, stood with a folder of paperwork in her hands, "In hindsight, I wasn't truly happy."

Derek simply nodded and followed her out of the office into the main living area, "Is there anything else you need to take?"

He watched as her lips pressed together, a tell-tale sign she was concentrating, trying to think if there was anything else that she would need to take with her back to Seattle. He stayed stood in the main living area as she flitted around the apartment, placing a few more personal affects in her bag before returning to him, "I'm ready."

Derek simply nodded, "Let's go home."

* * *

Much later that night, or more like very early the next morning, as they stood in the hallway between their respective front doors, Meredith took Derek's hand, ready to say goodnight.

"Thank you, for coming with me," she gave him a small smile, sending the slight tension in the air between them, "You didn't have to, so thank you."

"I was happy to go with you," he returned, squeezing her hand slightly in his as he mirrored her smile.

A silence passed between them and Meredith couldn't seem to slow the beating of her heart as she looked into his deep blue eyes, feeling the heat rising within her. This attraction was going to kill her.

A breath released from her slightly parted looks as her bag fell off her shoulder to the floor and she stepped towards him, unable to ignore the need she had for him. Her arms wrapped around his neck and his arms immediately looped around her waist, their lips crashing together. She drank him in, his scent, his taste, his touch. Her mind fogged over as he carried her through into his living room, sitting them on his couch with her legs still around him as they pressed together. When his lips moved from her mouth, kissing down her neck, she couldn't the words that spilled out of her mouth.

"I love you, Derek."

At her admission, they both froze, and he looked up at her, almost as though he thought his ears were deceiving him. All she could think was, _Crap._

* * *

**We can't help ourselves. We see a line. We want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of trading the familiar for the unfamiliar. A sort of personal dare. Only problem is once you've crossed it's almost impossible to go back. But if you do manage to make it back across that line. You find safety in numbers.**

* * *

**A/N: So. This is where I'm leaving it. There will be a sequel, eventually. I have a lot on, and I want to at least finish the Morning After before I start my sequel. Hope you've enjoyed reading!**


End file.
